Tired; Bored; Hatred

I dont know what happened to me. I lost the enthusiasm to go to work everyday. I lost the the energy in doing the daily tasks assigned to me. Its like everytime that i came in the office, i wanted to go home as soon as possible. I'm having a hard time dragging myself to work each and every working day. (yes, mel i lack the passion to go to work)

I feel like I'm a monster with a big heavy body with a big big chain ball on my left foot and I have to drag myself. I have to carry my big heavy body and the heavy chain ball on my way to the office that turns to a beautiful princess everytime the shift ended.

I dont know what happened. I lost the energy to go to work everyday. Maybe, i just grew tired of what is happening on the floor. I grew tired of nonlogical process. I grew tired of lies and hullaballoos that the management is telling everyone. I grew tired of working for a company who doesnt even care for their employees. A company who avoids confrontation. A company who cant explain the need of a sudden change. A company who expects their employees to be dumbed -- they want employees that dont think and just simply follow; like a shadow that would imitate everything that the man is doing. A company with too much politics in it.

This company started good because people are happy. Because they listen but now? Those people who used to listen tries to avoid you. Maybe thats how the business works. Maybe we are really failing. But why not go to the root cause of the problem instead of covering it up?

Well, enough... I dont want to rant about how bad I feel about the company cause I know people will read this and might react as well.

One Thing that I kept in mind, all these years: I have two choices: To leave or To Stay and right now, i know I'm about to leave because i dont want to lose my principle. I tried hard to swallow and closed my eyes to everything that is against my principle... but i cant stand it anymore.

For those people who has power: Learn to LISTEN to your subordinates; hear them out loud, they wont complain if they're satisfied or at least compromise with them so that both parties would benefit.

Listening is different from Hearing... and please have a process! A standard one. This is the company that i've worked with that has an organizational chart but the job description of each officer coincides or is either doing more or less than what is expected from them.

A friend once told me, a company that doesnt have a definite job decription means they are paid enough...
(so true :( ).

I'll just discuss more tonight...

A Dream that will Never Come True

.... Walk me down the aisle daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy don't cry ....

Its a stanza from the song Butterfly Kisses.

I always dream of my dad walking me down the aisle on that special day, but i know, it wouldnt happen. Ever. Reality bites and its hurting me.

Im missing my dad. So Much. And yes, i admit, i'm a daddy's girl;

Daddy take me with you
I promise I'll be good
Daddy, this is next time
And momma said I could

Sittin' in the front seat ridin' down town
An icecream cone I'd rap him around
My little finger
Tighter than my baby could
You can make a tear go a long long way
When you're daddy's little girl

Well he tightened my bike chain from 7 to 13
Taught me to drive when I was a wild thing
Reached and he prayed while I made some mistakes
That I wouldn't have made if I'd have done it his way

Now he hugs me when he sees me
We talk about the past
He tries to give me money
And I try and give it back

He's a book of advice
More than I need
The look in his eyes is saying to me
Let me help you all I can
While I'm still in this world
What will you do when you're daddy's gone
And you're daddy's little girl

I know my dad always wanted the best for me, and right now, I can still remember the look in his eyes when I graduated in college. I remember how proud he was with me and my other siblings. I can remember the pain in his eyes whenever Im loosing path.

And What'll I do when my daddy's gone?

I cried. I cried too much and took me years before I accepted the fact that Daddy wont be there anymore...

I Love You Papa.

BUTTERFLY KISSES

BUTTERFLY KISSES

Daddy take me with you
I promise I'll be good
Daddy, this is next time
And momma said I could

Sittin' in the front seat ridin' down town
An icecream cone I'd rap him around
My little finger
Tighter than my baby could
You can make a tear go a long long way
When you're daddy's little girl

Well he tightened my bike chain from 7 to 13
Taught me to drive when I was a wild thing
Reached and he prayed while I made some mistakes
That I wouldn't have made if I'd have done it his way

Now he hugs me when he sees me
We talk about the past
He tries to give me money
And I try and give it back

He's a book of advice
More than I need
The look in his eyes is saying to me
Let me help you all I can
While I'm still in this world
What will you do when you're daddy's gone
And you're daddy's little girl

Jeff Carson:
There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
And she's daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus
And I close my eyes
And I think God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all

For butterfly kisses
With her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair

Walk me down the aisle daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy don't cry
With all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning
And butterfly kisses for life

Faith Hill:
What'll I do when my daddy's gone
------------------------------
Butterfly Kisses
By: Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven, and she’s daddy’s little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank God for all the joy in my life, But most of all...
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony daddy, it’s my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today.
She’s looking like her momma a little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings in a great big world. But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy, but if you don’t mind,
I’m only going to kiss you on cheek this time."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precise time.
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise, and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking, and I said, "I’m not sure,
I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over... and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it’s just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?" "Daddy don’t cry."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses.
I couldn’t ask God for more, man, this is what love is.
I know I’ve gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember

The Dream

She prayed hard. She asked for signs. Signs that would lead her to the person that she would love forever, the one that is destined for her. She's hurting and it’s all because she thought she is in love. She wants to feel what Love is. She listens to music -- love songs. She read stories -- love stories; books about love and its magic. She watched movies and cried and feels good at the same time. Wondering and hoping one day she will find that special someone that would give her that special throbbing of the heart that she will spend the rest of her life with.

One night, she had a dream. It was her wedding day. But when the pastor asked them to kiss, she shouted and awaken. The man has no face. It’s only a silhouette. She then prayed that night and sleep again. The next morning she felt great.

On the back of her mind, she won’t tell anyone about that dream. She won’t tell how the place looks like but one thing is for sure, it’s not her dream wedding by the lake but she felt so comfortable, contented and happy.

Another dream. She was in some sort of a parking lot and she was waiting with some other people she will be working with. She notice this guy... she didn’t freaked out or something because everyone has a vivid face. And when she woke up, she knows that this would happen soon.

She had another dream. But this time, she was in a house doing laundry. She was with a man, - again a faceless man, she was talking to him. They were joking and playing. And she know deep in her heart -- this is the man she meant to be with forever. 

The last two dreams are recurring. And it all stops... One day...

That fortunate day when she finally meets him; like the way in her dreams.

THE MEETING

She is 20 that time. She just graduated from college and is enjoying her life. She is full of dreams. She has a lot of things in mind. She is just your typical lad in her twenties. She didn’t know what lies ahead but is willing to face everything. She’s someone simple. She’s not that pretty but people say she has expressive eyes. Her smile and the tinkle in her laughter make her attractive.

           

He is 26 that time. He is currently in a relationship and like any other guys, wanted some thrill. He is full of dreams and wants to achieve more in life. He is a typical guy in his late twenties. He didn’t know what lies ahead but he so thrilled to experience life. He’s simple yet has this x-factor. He’s not handsome but he is oozing with sex appeals. His eyes, his brows are the one that draws her near him.

Both of them didn’t know that one typical morning in that July of 2007, they will cross paths and destiny will play with their hearts; mind and even life.  As the saying goes, no one knows what lies ahead through the course of our life.  And both of them realize one thing. That typical morning, their lives will be changed.

July 2007

She feels that urge. She can say that something is about to happen. You can call her paranoid or strange but one thing she can prove is that her heart is beating beyond normal. She is an aspiring writer and maybe it’s overcritical but, she’s sure that this day will mark something; she is about to experience a life-changing situation and yes, she’s too excited for it.

            He’s there. He saw her coming. She’s wearing jeans and shirts and she looks so ordinary. Her kinky hair was tied with a ponytail. He didn’t know what lies ahead but he felt that this gal will play a great part on his life.

            The day went by. She’s not breathing normally. She survived the first day; or she thought… Upon entering the house, she is asked by the guys. She stopped for a little chit chat; anyways, they will be together for a couple of weeks; why not build friendship? He asked her for her number. And there it was; her heart is beating erratically. She asked for signs why she is feeling this, and then she remembered; the stranger in her dreams… And she knows; right there and then; she is about to meet the man that she will love forever.

            You can call her as someone who is hopelessly romantically. She is your typical girl who loves to read romance; she loves to read almost everything but she is a fan of Nicholas Sparks. She hopes and dreams that someday; she will get her message in a bottle. She wished that someday; she can write her own notebook and will experience a walk to remember. She wants to have her 50 first date and she wants someone whom she can share her music and lyrics. She wants someone who will remain sleepless and someone she can call her own.

 --- To be continued ---