ROXIE TADEJA

Roxie. Foxy. I really don’t know the meaning of foxy but I guess that’s the perfect word to describe her. Not only because it rhymes with have her name but I found it cute. J

Roxie? She’s a friend and a sister to me at the same time. I never expected that our friendship will flourish to what it is right now but I’m so thankful because of that. People can find her intimidating at times. I mean, if you don’t know her or if you’ll be seeing her first time, you’ll be intimated about her. She has this air of attitude that says; “hey, I’m the boss here” but no, she’s not bossy. She won’t even ask for help even if she needed it when it comes to work. She tends to hide it to herself and try to resolve any issues on her own.

She’s someone so sweet. The boys in the camp can also attest to that. She’s caring and very motherly. By the way, she‘s the mother of a wonderful girl name Neve. She has her own set of ups and down that made her who she is right now. She’s a tough lady with a big big heart.

People find her sexy. We’ll no doubt about that. For beauty and sexiness doesn’t mean you have the loveliest face or the most beautiful body; Roxie says she’s fat and big, but for me, I find her sexy. There’s something in her that makes her sexy. Maybe the way she smiles and the way her eyebrow arches at times. Or the way she taps her fingers. And maybe because she is simply who she is.

Yeah, I was intimidated with her before but we’ve past that stage. I know I’ve given her a lot of headaches before. She’s right, she doesn’t like what I’m doing but she loves the person more. And that what makes her special to me. She may not understand me at times but she lets me be me. No questions asked. She’s always there for me. She’s more than a friend. She’s a sister to me. A sister who without any hesitation will tell me that what I’m doing is wrong; a sister who can give me a slap if needed but will also tap my back at the same time. A sister that will say everything is fine when you’re feeling blue. A sister who have a kind heart that shed tears and will cry with you if you need someone to cry with. A sister that will run through the rain and do crazy things with you and a sister that will remind you to stop. A sister with never ending love…

I may not have said it directly, but sis, I owe you so much and thank you for being that someone I can run to when everything’s going wrong. Thank you for being that someone that I can share my crazy ideas and stupidest acts with and thank you for reminding me to stay on track. Thank you for being you and for letting me be me… I love you Sis! Or Mother (sabi ni Leslie) any how, I love you for who you are.

CHAPTER 3: Sa Isla ng Talim; isla ng walang kasiguraduhan

ilang buwan ang lumipas. September, October, November. tatlong buwan ang natapos. hindi ko inaasahan na magtetext si roxie sa akin. Ang alam ko kasi naiinis sa akin si roxie dahil sa mga kasalanan ko sa kanya noong nakaraang camp. May parang gathering daw ang mga teachers. Fiesta kina teacher connie; nagimbita. Nagdecide akong sumama. anticipating na magkikita kami. Wondering how should i act infront of them, infront of him. at higit sa lahat- tinanong ko ang sarili ko if i'm really over him. And the usual adventurous me. I was diving into it, Bahala na- Que cera cera.Overnight daw yun. So nagdala ako ng gamit; something enough for me to survive the night. Nagkita kita kami sa tropical nila roxie. Andun na sila Ate Janet; Roxie, Vangie at iba pa. Surprisingly, malapit naman sila sa akin - no judgement. wala akong narinig na kung ano man. puro pangungumusta. Siguro nga namiss namin ang bawat isa. Kuwentuhan. Kulitan habang nasa dyip. Bumaba kami sa may caltex ba o petron yun. Sabi ni roxie, dadaanan daw namin ang "da boys"

Kabado na ako. alam mo yung sound effects sa mga horror films kapag alam mo na may mangyayaring hindi maganda; ganung ganung yung tibok ng puso ko... nagrarambol ika nga. Maya maya pa, nakita na namin yung tatlo. Si Leslie, Jon and Jed. oh my, ang gwapo nya. Nagpakalbo si Jed. simpleng ngiti lang ang bati ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung paano kikilos. Hindi ko alam kung pano yung tamang pagbating dapat gawin. Naririnig ko yung puso ko. Nakakainis. Nanlalamig din yung kamay ko. Its hard ignoring his presence. Kuwentuhan. Kulitan. Pero hindi nya ako masyadong binabati. I tend to ignore him as well and reminded myself, i cannot demand for anything from him. Masaya akong makita sya but at the same time, naiinis ako kasi it seems that fate is playing with me. Inside my head were questions like; "why do we need to crossed our paths again when it will just make it hard for me?" "Mahal nya rin kaya ako? or this is just a one way love affair -- kung saan ako ang tanga at ang talo?"

Bumaba kami sa Pretil sa may binangonan. Inaantay namin sila Kat at Carol at si Herline. Iniwan nya sa akin yung jacket nya. kinuha ko naman with no questions asked. Pagdating sa talim, nagkukulitan pa din. Pero medyo malapit na kami.Magkatabi kami sa upuan. Overnight kami sa palaisdaan ng tatay ni ate connie. andun kame sa may bench. Magkayakap kami for the rest of the night. wala na naman ako sa tamang pag-iisip. Bahala na. Que cera cera... basta ang alam ko mahal ko sya.

The next day, nagkukulitan. Pumunta naman kami kina Te Roda. Tamang kulitan ulit. saka ko lang nalaman na nagkita kita pala sila noong birthday ni Kat. - asa pa ako na imbitado ako di ba? siguro super busy lang talaga ako... or i was in mundane, ignoring them... but as far as i know; wala akong natatanggap na text at nahihiya naman akong magtext sa kanila.Nagkakuwentuhan na magkakaroon ng second camp at nalaman ko na inaayos na nila Leslie at Roxie. They asked me if sasama ako - sumagot akong hindi pa ako sigurado. Si Leslie ang nagreact at sinabihan akong daldal. Tahimik lang ako. ayoko ng magreact. baka magkamali pa.Basta, ang alam ko sulit yung pagsama ko at sana makasama ako sa meeting sa susunod na linggo. Sabi ko aayusin ko yung schedule ko; tinanong ko kung magkano yung offer, kung wala naman akong gagawin bakit hindi di ba? siguro tama yung sagot ko kasi hindi na sila nagreact pa. Magkatabi kami ni jed sa upuan. Nagiging malambing sya.--- kung kailan naman sabi ko sa sarili ko i need to forget him; saka me ganito...

deep inside; i was praying nasana hindi na matapos yung araw. na sana kung kami talaga; sana maging okay kaming dalawa. sana wala na lang complications, sana wala na lang bon na nagaantay sa kanya.. sana its rem and jed na lang... puro sana na hindi ko alam kung mabibigyan katuparan...

bagong kanta na naman --- Maybe it's wrong to say please love me too coz i know you never do somebody else is waitin' there inside for you.... maybe its wrong to love you more each day coz i know she's here to stay.... but i know to whom you should belong....

matatapos na naman ang araw. Kumusta naman kaming dalawa, patuloy ba kaming magsasayaw sa isang ritmo na walang kasiguraduhan? pero sabi ko nga, masaya ako kasi mahal ko sya... and maybe its wrong to love him more each day.... -sigh-

BE MINE FOREVER

This morning I received an email from one of the most influential person in my life and she's mad at me. She asked me to stop going to their house even if she's miles away. and i know i have to obey her. I informed Jed about it. I texted him and told him everything because my heart cant take it. Before, this influential person and I was so close but right now, i dont know what really happened.

He replied and told me not to mind it. We texted each other until i feel better. He told me that he loves me so much and he wont allow anyone to take me away from him. I told him that he let me go before and he told me that it wont happen again.

I trust him. I know this time everythings good between us... and just when everything's good... here' comes another complication. I feel like were romeo and juliet. fighting against all odds and i hope that ours will be a happy ending...

he asked me to be his forever and i agreed and told him that even from the start, he owns me...

CHAPTER 2: somewhere down the road

Nagkita kami uli matapos ang isang linggo. May usapan kami na aakyat ng bundok. Maaga pa lang andun na ako sa meeting place. Late sila. Badtrip. Hapon na sila dumating. Natuwa akong makita sya. iba pa din ang tibok ng puso ko tuwing nakikita ko sya. may kaba pa din. Magkasama kami at parang masasabi kong mahal nya ako. Alagang alaga nya ako. at gusto kong kalimutan na may iba syang karelasyon. At sana nga nde na matapos yung araw na magkasama kami. Masaya ako. at yun ang mahalaga.
Naging maayos ang akyat. Maulan pero masaya yung lakad. Inulan kami sa campsite at
basa na din ang loob ng tent. Bumaha na nga sa loob ng tent namin eh. ang laki laki
kasi eh. Good for 10 persons ata yung tent. Masaya yung unang gabi. Magkasama kami sa tent at yakap yakap nya ako. Paano ko pa mararamdaman yung lamig ng gabi kung kayakap mo ang taong mahal mo. OO, inaamin ko.Mahal na mahal ko sya. pero maling mahalin sya. pero masaya pa ako.
Maaga kaming gumising kinabukasan. Kailangan namin mgbreak camp at bumaba na. sayang. Hindi na kami makakapagpeak kasi umuulan. pero, may pupuntahan pa daw kami. magbebeach daw kami. Cutad ata yun.
Masaya naman yung pagbaba namin. Pero andun pa din hiya. Nahihiya ako sa mga kasama namin. Puro barkada nya yung mga yun eh. Alam kong alam nila yung sitwasyon namin. Yung sitwasyon ko. Ako yung other woman. Pero masaya akong kasama sya eh. Gusto kong
kasama sya. pero, alam kong kailangan kong pigilan yung sarili ko. Kailanga kong putulin kung ano man yung kaugnayan ko sa kanya... kahit mahirap; kahit masakit; kahit na yun na yung huling bagay na gusto kong mangyari. kailangan kong gawin yung tama. Kailangan kong gawin yung dapat.
Gusto kong maging masayang alaala tong lakad na to. Habambuhay kong ilalagay sa alala ko yung sayang naramdaman ko. alam ko naman na pagkatapos nito, hindi na kami magkikita o malabo na kaming magkita kita. At ayokong humingi ng sign sa taas--
remember the movie serendipity? if we are meant to be; fate will play its part.
Mula batangas;nagbus kami pa-pasay. Bumaba ako sa tambo. At nararamdaman ko na sa pagbaba ko, kasabay noon ang pagtalikod ko sa taong mahal ko.

Nagkaroon ako ng sariling buhay. Ilang beses din akong nangumusta sa kanila. Ilang
beses din akong nagtext pero wala akong sagot na nakuha. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, tama
na; tigil na. Tuloy lang ang buhay pero lagi kong naalala yung araw na nagkakilala
kami.Laging bumabalik yung pakiramdam ng araw na malaki ung pagbabagong naganap sa
buhay ko. Sobrang madami yung nangyari. Kailangan kong unahin ang mga bagay bagay
kasya sa kanya. May mga personal na bagay na kailangan kong gawin. Nagpapakapagod ako sa trabaho kasi ayoko ng maisip sya kasi nasasaktan lang ako.
Masokista-- maybe thats the right term to use. Pero, kung ako nga hindi ko alam kung
bakit ko minahal yung taong yun e. Basta mahal ko sya. Siguro dapat tama na yun. Namatay si Uncle Nonoy. Kailangan kong ayusin ang mga bagay bagay. Kailangan kong
asikasuhin si Uncle. For a while, nakalimutan ko sya. For a while, ibang klaseng loneliness yung naramdaman ko. For a while, ibang tao ang namimiss ko. For a while, iba yung ipanagmumukmok ko. Umalis kami at nagpunta sa Aklan. Malaki ang nagawa ng 2
linggong pagbabakasyon ko. Nawala sya sa isip ko. at unti unti;binuo ko ang mga
pangarap ko. Pangarap para sa sarili ko. Hanggang makabalik ako ng Manila; hindi ko na sya naalala. May ibang mga lalaki na ako na napapansin. At alam ko natutuwa para sa akin si Ycar. Natutuwa din si Mama kasi alam nyang okay na uli ako. Na hindi na ako nasasaktan. Sabi nga nya, ganun talaga kapag nagmamamahal.

I know, i'm ready to moved on. and that i'm taking one step forward. Balik na sa dating buhay... parang hindi ko siya nakikilala... in my head; a song is humming... we had the right love at the wrong time.... guess i always knew inside i wouldnt have you for a long time...

CHAPTER 1: Ang Estranghero sa Panaginip Ko

Nagkakilala kami noong July 2006. Masasabi kong nakaplano ang lahat na magkakilala kami. Kagagraduate ko lang noon at atat pa akong magkatrabaho, so lahat halos ng offer pinapatulan ko. Late akong dumating sa sta.lucia. Hindi ko pa alam yung lugar na yun noon. Habang papasok ang sinasakyan naming dyip, iba yung pakiramdam ko. Nakakatawa mang isipin pero pakiramdam ko noon, may life changing event na mangyayari. Habang iniiwan namin ang mga gamit namin sa guesthouse; iba din ang dalang emosyon ng bahay. DEJAVU!; parkiramdam ko nangyari na ito noon pero alam ko namang first time ko na makapunta sa bahay na yun.
Coffee time. Tamang tama hindi ako nagbreakfast. Late na kasi kami nagising ni Ate ycar... nagkulitan pa kasi kami nung gabi. Nakakatawa. Tahimik lang ako at nakikiramdam. Tipid ang mga sagot sa mga tanong. Nag-iisip kung anong ginagawa ko sa lugar na yun. Ayoko ng pakiramdam ko ng mga sandaling yun. Kakaiba sya. Iba yung tibok ng puso ko... para akong nagpapalpitate. Parang may hinahanap ang mga mata ko; at sa paglingon ko; alam kong nakita ko yung dahilan ng kakaibang pakiramdam na ito.
Andun sya sa kabilang mesa. Pamilyar ang mukha nya pero alam kong ngayon ko lang sya nakita. Mukha syang masaya. Ang sarap pakinggan ng tawa nya. Ang sarap nyang tingnan. Lumingon sya at biglang akong nahiya. Ibinalik ko ang atensyon ko sa mga kasama ko sa mesa. Nakipagkuwentuhan at pinipilit syang tanggalin sa isip.
Training. Getting to know each other. Pangalan, edad, course, interes, libangan at kung ano- ano pa. Minsan me follow up question. Kabado ako pero hindi ko alam kung bakit parang naglalaro lang ako. Nahiya bigla kasi nagche-cheer yung grupo nila sa likod. Siya na yung kasunod. At yun pala yung pangalan nya... Very Manly. Mukha syang seryoso. Bagay sa kanya yung pangalan nya. Nakakatuwa din yung mga kaibigan nya. Yung chinito saka yung long hair na me clown face Hindi ko pa alam na magiging mahaba at magiging malaking bahagi sila ng buhay ko.
Tapos na ang training. Kulitan. Kuwentuhan. Nakakatuwa sila. I never felt this so at ease with strangers. Kinuha nya number ko. Kulitan sa text. Kuya pa nga ang tawag ko sa kanya eh. His first text message was; “can you be my textmate” and i replied back; “kulit mo kuya ___”
Lumipas yung mga araw. Dumating ang mga estudyante naming. Busy busyhan na ang lahat. Nagkaroon ng rest day. Inuman. To make the long story short; a life changing event happened. Oo, sa mga nakakalam na nung kuwento, malaking pagbabago ang naidulot sa akin ng nangyaring yun. Naguluhan ako umiwas sa kanya ng ilang araw dahil hindi ko maamin sa sarili ko na nahulog na ang loob ko sa kanya. Madami akong narinig. Maraming nagsasabing mali. Maraming ayaw sa nangyari. Pero matigas ang ulo o sadyang lulong lang ang puso ko? Minahal ko sya noon pa. Mahal ko sya sa panaginip pa lang. Nasabi ko naman na dejavu yung lugar? Hapon yun ng marealize ko kung saan ko sya unang nakita. Nakita ko sya sa panaginip ko. Parehong pareho yung nangyari. Naglalaba ako nun ng lumapit sya at naupo at nakipagkulitan sa akin. That very moment, the way he smiles and the ringing of his voice reminds me of the faceless man in my dreams. He’s the stranger in my dreams. At unti unti, lumilinaw ang mukha ng estranghero sa panaginip ko. Siya at wala ng iba.
Hindi ko alam pero ng mga sandaling yun, pakiramdam ko para akong taong may amnesia na binalikan ng alaala. Hindi ko alam kung nakita nya ang reaksyon sa mukha ko o kung nabasa nya ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. Nakakatuwa ang ngiti sa labi nya at bigla akong nalungkot dahil alam kong malaki ang posibilidad na hindi na kami magkita uli. May iba syang karelasyon. May nagaantay sa pagbabalik nya. At kelangan kong tanggapin yun. Magkaibigan lang kami. Wala ng iba pa. At ayokong umasa dahil ayokong masaktan. At gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na alam ko ang lugar ko sa buhay nya. Kaibigan. Magkaibigan lang kami.
Malapit nang matapos ang camp. Ilang araw na lang binibilang namin. Masaya ako kasi nakilala ko sya. Malungkot ako kasi kailangan kong kalimutan na sya ang lalaki sa panaginip ko. Kailangan kong tanggapin ang katotohanang hindi magkakaroon ng katuparan ang pangarap kong makasama sya. – habambuhay.
Oo, nakita ko ang sarili kong kasama sya sa pagtanda ko; sa pagabot ng mga pangarap ko. Sa bawat ngiti at luha. Oo, mahal ko na sya. At alam kong ito ang life changing event sa buhay ko. Ang mainlove ako ng totohanan. Ang malaman ko ang ibig sabihin ng pag-ibig at pagmamahal. Kung paano ba talaga ang magmahal. Siguro, hindi pa ganun kalalim ang nararamdaman ko pero ayoko ng palawigin pa. Baka mas masaktan lang ako. Ayokong lumusong sa kumunoy. At wala akong karapatan.
Naisip ko, nakilala ko ang taong mamahalin ko sa maling panahon. Nakilala ko ang lalaking alam kong handa kong paglingkuran. Yung taong alam kong kaya kong talikuran ang lahat para sa kanya pero bakit bas a maling panahon? Bakit ba may pero pa? Sadyang mapagbiro ang tadhana pero sabi ko sa sarili, kung kami, kami talaga! Ayoko kasing makasira ng relasyon. Kung ako ang gusto nya. Ayusin nya lahat ng problema.
Huling Gabi. Magkakuwentuhan kami. Kung pwede nga lang hindi na matapos ang gabi. Puro Oo lang ang sinasagot ko sa kanya, gusto ko kasing matandaan ang lahat. Mata, ngiti, kilos at amoy nya. Gusto kong baunin ang pakiramdam ng niyayakap nya ako at kung paano sya maglambing. Gusto kong isiping matatapos na ang isang magandang panaginip. Oo, mahal ko siya kaya handa akong pakawalan sya.
Ilang tula at ilang kuwento na ba ang nagawa ko dahil sa kanya? “hopeless romantic” yan ang tawag nila sa akin. Hindi ko naman kasi maaring ipagkaila eh. Sobrang nabaliw ako sa atensyong binibigay nya at masasabi kong nalulong ako sa mga yakap at halik nya. Masarap pala talaga ang di tama. Hindi naman maling magmahal. Sadyang hindi lang tama ang panahon at oras naming dalawa.
Naghiwalay kami kung san kami unang nagkita. Gustuhin ko mang lumingon alam kong hindi dapat. Dapat ko nang tapusin ang kahibangan ko. Kailangan kong mabuhay sa reyalidad. Kung talagang para kami sa isa’t isa, tadhana na ang bahala.

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HIGH SCHOOL

I love high school. I can’t deny that. I enjoyed every day of my four years in my precious alma mater. I know during that years; I was happy. Or I must say, I believe I was happy. I have a lot of friends and I started creating my dreams here.  I can still remember the nonsense giggles and “pacute days” before.  The nonstop slum books and autographs. The promises of endless friendships, timeless dreams and aspirations. And it brings a big sigh… a happy memory it is.

I was able to pass by my High school Alma mater yesterday and looking at those teenagers, I wonder if they are enjoying it.

My high school days were not like anybody's. I want to believe mine was different. Maybe because I’m really different. Looking back, I can say now that my high school life was not that fruitful; but I did enjoy it in my own ways. I don’t know why I’m saying this, why it seems that didn’t enjoy it. Maybe my purpose is to show the other side of high school.

I went to a public high school under a special science class program. My classes start at 6:15AM till around 3:30pm or 4pm. Yes. It’s a whole day class. Most of us are classmates since elementary. Others came from private elementary schools. It’s a total mix of students with one thing in a common - most of us are from the top sections in elementary; honor students, achievers; the pride of our primary schools; with talents and skills par excellence.

Honestly, I was too excited to enter High school. My cousins and my neighbors told me that High school is the best. Based on the TV Series and Movies, they describe high school as the "best part of your life". Technically, it’s because; it’s the transition period from being a child to young adult. The adolescence years, the campus courtship; the first love (which later on; you will realize that its just a puppy love) But, nobody warned me that it would as hard as it can be. In this stage you will be labeled. Campus Queen or King, the Jocks, the nerds, the punks, the nobody’s, the elites, the poor, the brainers; the no-brainers and other names.

Building friendship was hard for me. I mean a truly lasting friendship. Or maybe it’s because I can’t easily trust the people around me. Or maybe I was too paranoid as well - I wanted to give out a good impression but I ended up in bad waters. I have a lot of colleagues; people say I’m easy to get along with, I have acquaintances from SOF, DOST 2, Par-Sci and even from the regular sections- from the highest to lowest section.

It’s hard and confusing for me. During our homeroom - our adviser told us that we need to set good first impression because first impression lasts. She has a point but later on I realized; “WTH! It’s like you're hiding yourself, it’s like you're being boxed up; then why not just be me..."

I know people are talking behind my back (as paranoid as ever) I know they’re saying negative things about me. It may appear as if I don’t care but deep inside it’s really killing me. I know it’s a fact because I also talked behind someone else back just because I want to a part of a certain group. I want to win friends but then, it’s hard. Or maybe again; I didn’t try hard enough.

I gained friends and I felt more at ease with the crowd of other people; (I mean students from different sections)I can be myself with them rather than the people in our block. (maybe because I’m superior when I’m with them) or maybe it’s because I heard words like I don’t have finesse; that I’m too Magaslaw and all that... and I do understand that they want me to become better; but again; I’m different remember? - Deep in the back of my mind; I’m wondering if they want me to become better or just to be like them...

Birds of the same feathers flock together - that's the concept in High school. You need to have at least one common point to become friends and right now I find it shallow. For me, friendship is developed by the differences in each person and finding it enduring.

I find my high school as a boxed life. I need to do this to become this. I need to be this because it’s what’s expected from us. I have to or else... High school. I did enjoy it. Really I do, but I can’t deny the fact that right now, looking through these students - wearing the same uniform as what I have worn years ago makes me realize the feeling of being told on what to do, how to move and how to live according to other's expectations and how pathetic I have been following them.

I remembered the days when my teachers will say; "you're in section one, you should be (take note: YOU SHOULD; again the word is SHOULD) the model students." Model students in the sense that we need to make sure that we set proper example - no cutting classes, no late, no violations, we should be perfect for them and I hate it - they won’t allow us to commit mistakes and they forgot that we are also like any other students - we are also teenagers; bound to commit mistakes; bound to have low grades.

                Being in a special science class is an achievement. It’s a feather on our Caps. We can say we are on top of others when it comes to I.Q. but when it comes to E.Q. I doubt if we are developed to have a high E.Q. It’s like were guinea pigs - they are developing us to excel in every subject areas. And I’m thankful for that but the comparison? Teachers can’t understand that each and every student has their own capability; that we have our own identity, talents and skills. One can do something others can’t. One is bound to do great in something. Each and every one of us is different from each other.

I hate them for telling me that I won’t succeed. They don’t know me or life that I had lived. They don’t know anything about me or the dreams that I have. Or the pains that I’m going through or the confusion that I was suffering way back then. But no one cared and I feel during that time, I can’t trust anyone.

I hate high school because I lived according to their expectations. I know I can’t bring back the old times. It’s already a past and regardless of what I have heard before; I am still me no matter what.

I remember one of my teachers saying; that in every flock of sheep, someone will go astray. I can say I’m that sheep; the black sheep. but at least I was able to become me... no matter how hard was the consequences are - I was a floating member of the class; no specific group of friends. Just me and myself. I'm like a butterfly that jumps from one group to another. At least it saved me from the pain of being betrayed or being exalted from your group of friends...

Looking back, it’s so pathetic and immature of us, but as the saying goes; "they can forget what you have said or done, but no one can how you make them feel"

I did enjoy high school but I can say now that it’s not the best part of my life... the best part would be college when I was able to express who I really am... and being with people who lets you be you with no questions asked...

But maybe, that’s high school: a life’s turning point. The point in one’s life where you start building your own self; the part where you start creating a name for you and for yourself; the point where you start building your dreams, the part where you realize your talents and skills, where you discover your real potentials. The part of your life where you start knowing…and learning by your own; where you tend to scar your knees and cry true tears; point in life where you can commit as many mistakes as possible; point wherein you can try challenging your society or just simply going with the flow… (I chose the first option) The funny thing, despite this experiences, I given the chance, to change anything in high school, I won’t even dare because this makes me; ME!

My high school life is a happy one but perhaps, it could have been better if I learned earlier that life is never fair…

Have You Ever?

 Have you ever felt so tired of everything that is happening around you? That; sometimes you are wondering when will it change. Did you feel that certain kind of stress that all you want is to disappear from the world even for a while? That all you want is for the world to stop spinning even for a minute. That sometimes you feel that the time is passing by so quickly that you sometimes you can’t cope up with it. That all you want is for it to remain still; for a moment to last a little longer. Or sometimes, you wished that everything would just end... (A dark thought again...)

Have you ever felt that you are bound to experience a life changing event upon opening your eyes? Did you feel that when you wake up one morning; you suddenly feel so energized and so gay? And that you keep telling yourself that there’s something’s going to happen today that would change your life forever. (Without you realizing that every decision you make is bound to change your life forever?)

Have you ever felt a certain kind of fear? That it makes you so paranoid that you tend to look over your shoulder every now and then? Fear that envelopes your soul, fear that seems to haunts you even you’re in the safety of your bed and at the care of your home. Fear of someone finding your secrets; fear of losing someone; fear of betrayal; fear of anything; fear of every kind. (if you’re still feeling this; then it means you still have your conscience.)

Have you ever felt so down that makes you so grumpy all day? And you dont want to talk to anyone? And if someone will ask you; you will just grunt? You feel so grumpy, you feel so down that no one can ever come close to you except for that someone who knows you deep inside out.

Have you ever felt so disappointed for things that didn’t go as you expected? Or for not getting something that you want? Have you ever wanted something that you did everything just to get it? You plead, you cried, you tried to be good, mean and bad at the same time?

Have you ever cried for no reason at all? You cry simply because you want to and that as of that moment, crying is your best option; your best weapon; your so called anesthesia for whatever you are feeling.

Have you ever laugh out your heart out just because you wanted to laugh? That laughing makes you feel you fooled everyone else around you. That laughing will keep all those scrutinizing eyes away from you for even a while, That laughing it all out will make you someway better.

Have you ever had your heart broken? Broken into pieces, broken by someone whom you give it all to?

Have you ever had everything crashing down on you? Like you just simply crash and burn. All of your dreams, all of your wish and all of your hard work just fell down on you.

Have you ever had that weirdest dream? A dream you never think of. A dream that surprise your subconscious mind while sleeping and makes you wonder why?

Have you ever had that feeling so at peace? That no one can ruin your day, not even a thousand hurtful words can destroy the peace you made for yourself?

Have you ever watched the sunset and sigh at its beauty? Wondering if someone is also sighing at its beauty and wondering if you can be like the sunset… simply wonderful.

Have you ever gaze up onto the night sky and try to figure as much as constellations as possible? Or just simply watching and counting the falling stars? Thinking that one of those stars is you and that there are people gazing up to you.

Have you ever wished to go back in time? To change something that you did or simply to relive the moment or to simply remember it to every detail.

Have you ever wish something yet it didnt come true?

Have you ever lost a friend? a loved one? a pet or anything or anyone special and close to you?

Have you ever wished to find that someone who will sweep you off your feet... to find that someone that will make you feel complete, someone that you know you will love for the rest of your life and someone you will stand up with all the odds that will come....

            and all other Have you ever…

Naranasan mo na ba?

Naramdaman mo na ba yung naiinis ka pero wala kang magagawa.

Naranasan mo na ba yung ikaw mismo ang bumabara sa sarili mo dahil walang ibang makakaintindi sayo?

Naranasan mo na din ba yung sabihan ka na hindi ka part ng grupo at kung bakit ka nakikisama sa kanila?

Masakit pala. Kahit pa sabihing biro lang sya. Sabi nga di ba - "all jokes are half meant." 

Naranasan mo na ba yung bigyan ka ng cold shoulder treatment na wala kang kaalam alam kung bakit? Tapos out of the blue, malalaman mo na dahil may nasabi ka daw na nakasakit sa kanila.

Nakakapikon yun. Sana hindi mo na lang nalaman kasi tama din pala yung kasabihang;  "what you dont know wont hurt you". Nakakainis din kasi akala mo kaibigan mo sila; sa halip na tanungin ka nila para naman may justice sa side mo, walang gumawa. May mga nakakausap ka sa kanila pero hindi sila nagsalita. Cold shoulder pa din. Hanggang sa nasanay ka na lang.

Sabi mo okay lang ang lahat; sumagot ka ng oo na mababalik pa sa dati pero alam mong deep inside hindi na mangyayari yun. Kaya tuloy tuloy na yung pag-alis mo. Yung pag-iwas mo. Civil lang kumbaga.

Maiinis ka pa kasi binibiro ka nila. isinasama ka sa kalokohan nila. Pakiramdam mo tuloy, eh pinaglalaruan ka.Akala nga kasi nila okay na uli; pero ikaw deep inside; nde na magiging okay. Na nde na pdeng bumalik sa dati.

Sabi nga ni Dao Ming Xe; "Ano pa ang silbi ng Parak kung lahat madadaanan sa sorry". at isa pa, nde ka naniniwala sa kiss and make up. At alam mo din sa sarili mo na masyado ng madaming nabago at masyadong malalim ang lamat para maibalik pa sa dati ang lahat. 

Oo, nde na maibabalik sa dati ang lahat. At ayaw mo ding magexert ng effort dahil ayaw mo ng mapahiya at ayaw mo ng masaktan. 

HIndi ka siguro nila maiintindihan. Wala naman talagang makakaintindi sayo kung hindi sarili mo. Sabi nga nila, sa 10 taong kilala mo, 5 sa kanila walang pakialam sayo at 5 sa kanila ang natutuwa kasi nasasaktan ka.

 Eh bakit mo sila bibigyan ng kasiyahan, eh di hayaan mo na lang sila, wag mong pagpilitan ang sarili mo. Di ba nga, nasanay ka na wala sila sa tabi mo at dati naman wala sila sa buhay mo. 

 Ilang beses na akong nasaktan. At masasabi ko namang me natutunan ako. Ang pagkakaibigan at ang relasyon ay parang buhangin.- Isara mo ang kamay mo at unti unti silang mawawala sayo. Ibukas mo ang palad mo at makikita mong andyan lang sila.
 Kailangan mong hayaan ang mga kaibigan mong maging sila. Pabayaan mo sila sa mga gusto nilang gawin. Maging masaya ka sa kanila. Ganun din sa taong mahal mo. Hayaan mo lang sya. Hindi naman sya mawawala sayo kung ayaw nyang mawala sa sayo.
 
            Teka, ano na ba tong pinagsusulat ko? Kelangan ko na sigurong matulog... :)

PARA SA MAHAL KONG INA 11.10.2009

Para sa Mahal kong Ina

 Hindi ko alam kung napasalamatan na kita sa pagdadala mo sa akin sa loob ng 9buwan sa iyong sinapupunan. Salamat sa paglalagay mo ng isa mong paa sa hukay para lang maisilang ako. Hindi ko alam ang hirap na dinanas mo ng mga panahong nagpupumilit akong lumabas mula sa iyong sinapupunan upang makita ang mundong inihanda mo sa aking pagdating.

Hindi pa din siguro kita napapasalamatan sa mga panahong napupuyat ka para palitan ako ng lampin sa tuwing ako'y maiihi o madudumi sa kalaliman ng gabi o sa tuwing ako'y nagugutom - kailangan mong bumangon para ipagtimpla ako ng gatas. Napupuyat ka din sa kababantay sa akin sa tuwing ako'y magkakasakit.
 Hindi mo ako hinayaang malamigan, sa tuwing ako'y giniginaw, yakap mo ang nagbibigay init. Hindi ka din nagsawang ipaghele ako sa gabi. 

Hindi matatawaran ang pagmamahal na binigay mo sa akin simula pagkasilang ko hanggang ngayon. Ginabayan mo ako simula sa aking paggapang hanggang sa mga unang hakbang. Hawak mo ang kamay ko habang isinusulat ko ang aking unang abakada. Hindi matawaran ang tuwa mo ng unang banggitin ko ang mga salitang "mama". Hindi ka nagsawang pakinggan ang mga kuwento ko; lagi mo akong sinusuportahan sa bawat pangarap ko. Lagi kang nakaalalay sa tuwing nabibigo ako. Lagi mo akong pinapaalalahanan na muling tumayo at lumaban; na wag akong sumuko.
Simula noon hanggan ngayon - nasa tabi kita. Hindi mo ako iniwan. Kasama kitang umabot sa bawat pangarap ko. -- Maraming maraming salamat!

Hindi mabilang ang pagkakataong sumakit ang ulo mo dahil sa kasutilan ko. Hindi mabilang ang mga sandaling nagaalala ka dahil sa paguwi ko ng disoras ng gabi at sa ilang ulit na hindi ko paguwi at pagalis ng walang paalam. Hindi mabilang ang sama ng loob na binigay ko sayo sa tuwing sumasagot ako ng pabalang at nagkakamali; sa mga pagkakataong hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinasabi ko dahil lang sa hindi ko nakuha ang gusto ko. Ilang beses din ba kitang tinakot dahil sa mga bagay na inaakala kong tama. Hindi ako naging mabuting anak. Hindi ako tulad ng iba na ehemplo sa kabaitan. Hindi ako santa. Madalas akong magkamali at madalas kong sinusunod ang gusto ko - walang pasintabi kung masaktan man kita pero hindi ka nagsawa. Hinayaan mo akong matuto sa mga sarili kong pagkakamali. Hinayaan mo akong gawin ang gusto ko ngunit sa tuwing bumabalik akong luhaan at nasasaktan - wala akong sumbat na naririnig bagkus nakahanda ang iyong kamay para muli akong yakapin. Hindi mo ako kailanman itinaboy at itinakwil. Lagi kang nakaabang sa aking paguwi.

Hindi ko alam kung paano kita mapapasalamatan sa lahat ng bagay na ginawa mo para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung paano masusuklian ang pagmamahal na buong puso at buhay mong ibinigay. Sana sapat na ang sabihin ko ang mga salitang; Patawarin mo ako, salamat at mahal kita. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakabawi sa lahat ng kabaitan, pagmamahal at pagaaruga mo sa akin. Sana sapat na sabihin kong buong buhay kong tatanawin ang mga bagay na ginawa mo sa akin. Na lahat ng ginawa mo sa akin ay pipilitin kong mahigitan kapag nagkaanak na ako.  Hindi ko alam kung paano at kung ano ang tamang paghingi ng tawad o ang tamang pagpapasalamat. Alam kong hindi sapat ang mga materyal na bagay na pinipilit kong maibigay sayo. Alam kong hindi sapat ang pagpapaalam ko sa tuwing ako'y umaalis; ang pagtatanong ko kung kumain ka na ba sa tuwing ipinaghahain mo ako; ang pangungumusta ko sa araw mo. Alam kong kailanman hindi ko matatapatan ang bagay na ibinigay at patuloy mong ibinibigay.

Isinulat ko ito dahil ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago ko masabing Mahal na Mahal kita, ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago kita mapasalamatan sa lahat lahat at ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago ako makahingi sayo ng tawad. 

Mama, patawarin mo ako sa lahat ng maling nagawa ko. sa lahat ng sakit ng ulong ibingay ko, sa lahat ng sama ng loob at sakit na ibinigay   ko sayo.  Mama, maraming maraming salamat sa pagmamahal, pagaaruga, pagpapatawad, sa bawat yakap at tapik sa balikat, sa bawat paghele at paghalik mo. sa walang sawang pagaalala at pagpapaalala, sa mga kuwento at mga payo, sa bawat kuskos na ginagawa mo sa damit ko, sa bawat pagkaing inihahanda mo, sa bawat gabing hindi ka makatulog, sa bawat sandaling hindi ka mapakali, sa bawat gabay mo sa buhay ko, sa bawat araw na patuloy nating inaabangan para sa katuparan ng ating pangarap, sa bawat butil ng pawis mo para mabigyan ako ng magandang bukas, sa lahat lahat ng ginawa at patuloy mong ginagawa para sa akin - MARAMING MARAMING SALAMAT.

Mama, Mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw ang nagturo sa akin kung paano magmahal ng walang kapantay - ikaw ang nagturo ng tunay na pagmamahal - ang pagmamahal na hindi nagaantay ng kapalit. Ang pagmamahal na marunong magpatawad at magparaya. Ang pagmamahal na handang magpakasakit. Mahal na mahal kita. Mama, sana balang araw maging katulad kita - isang butihing ina.

what you dont know wont hurt you...

I hate this feeling. Sabi nga ni Jed, chillax lang. pero naiinis talaga ako eh.

naiinis ako. Naiinis pa rin ako. Naiinis ako kasi pakiramdam ko pinagkaisahan ako. Naiinis ako kasi hindi ko nagawang maipagtanggol ang sarili ko. Naiinis ako kasi hindi ko silang nagawang komprontahin.

Siguro tama sya. Nagsorry naman sya. Pero sya lang ang nagsorry. at wala naman akong karapatang magdemand ng sorry from them, pero totoo din naman yung sinabi ko sa kanya. Balewala na sa akin yung nagawa nila. Balewala na sa akin na iniignore nila ako dito sa office... HELLO! hindi naman nila hawak ang happiness ko and besides, hindi lang sila ang tao dito. Sabi nga nila, you cannot please everybody at part sila ng everybody na hindi ko mapiplease.

Nasaktan lang siguro ako. Mali. Nasaktan talaga ako sa ginawa nila. I was left in the Limbo. Walang nagsabi sa akin kung bakit. Yung tinanong ko, kibit balikat lang. then, its really true, what you dont know wont hurt you...

its better siguro na hindi ko na lang nalaman. no, buti na lang nalaman ko. sabi nya, may nakapagkuwento daw sa kanila na may sinabi akong against sa barkadahan nila. Naiinis ako kasi sana vinerify muna nila kung totoo. Naiinis ako kasi ang babaw ng tingin nila sa akin. Naiinis ako kasi in a way, sinasabi nilang back fighter ako. NAiinis ako higit sa lahat kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano ba yung sinasabi nilang sinabi ko. at naiinis ako sa taong nagsabi nun sa kanila. Unang-una, sinira nya yung naguumpisang magandang friendship sana. Pangalawa, sinira nya yung pagkatao ko ng wlang kalaban laban.Pangatlo, naiinis ako sa kanya dahil traydor sya.

Sabi ko nga, wala na akong magagawa kundi tanggapin na lang yung nangyari. Wala na rin namang saysay eh. Hindi ko na maibabalik yung ilang buwang hindi nila pagkausap sa akin. Hindi ko maibabalik yung panahong sana kasama ko sila at nakakabiruan. Hindi na mababago yung nangyari na nagmukha akong tanga dahil sa hindi nila pagkausap sa akin. Maraming nasayang at maraming bagay na hindi na mababago.

ayoko nang isipin yun. may mga natutunan naman ako eh. Nalaman ko na hindi sila kawalan. Madaming taong pwede kong makasama. Nalaman ko na hindi sila matatawag na kaibigan dahil hindi nila kayang magsabi ng totoo sa akin.Nalaman ko na okay lang na hindi nila ako pansinin -hindi naman ako namatay eh. hindi din naman ako yayaman kung papansinin nila ako.

yun. At dahil nailabas ko na yung inis at yamot ko- okay na ako... 

magpapasko na. at alam kong mas okay ang christmas ko ngayon. 

wag ko lang malalaman kung sino ang may kagagawan ng lahat ng ito dahil makakatikim siya o sila ng sobra sobra sa akin....

remember, si remrose to... and i believe in the saying "an eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth"

well, let's see.

MY VOW (to the one I truly love)

I wrote this last march 24, 2007.  I wrote this after I realized that it was Jed that I want to spend my whole life with; that it was Jed that I truly love. I wrote this during the time when our relationship was in a brink because of some complicated situation.  Yes, I’ve been weak during this time.  I broke up with him because I was too hurt; because I was so confused because of the things he hides from me; but I know he never lied; it’s just that he can’t tell me everything; afraid that he will hurt me more... (One of his worst decisions...) yes, we broke up and I realized that I need to find myself again. I hibernated for 2 years; tried to forget my feelings for him; I’ve been in another relationship and so he was. We are both trying to forget each other- or maybe; it was just me.

                Then, that day came, 12 March 2009; we met again- and upon looking through his eyes; I feel that the love inside never died, It was always been there.  And yes, we kissed and we started anew. We are working our relationship out. And I guess, the cliché was right; sometimes people need to break up for them to grow up. We are both working on this relationship and I’m sure that He’s the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

                Here’s the vow I’ve written almost 3 years ago...

I vow to love you completely; without hesitations, without reservations and without limitations. I vow to love you for who you are; who you will be and who you’ve been. I vow to love you till my dying days and hours; up to the last breath of my life and I promise you; I’ll love you even more after death. I vow to respect you and your family. I vow to stay with you thru all the ups and downs of our lives.

We’ve been thru all these and that and I vow to grow old with you. I vow to become a good wife to you and a good mom to our children. I love you so much that I won’t even think of leaving you. I will stay for always.

If times of confusion come as our way, if problems will test our faith; I’ll try to be strong for both of us. I will look back to the first time we met, the time I never thought I’ll find you and I’ll gather strength from it. I will endure all the pain and hurts life will give us.

Let me tell the world how special you are to me that though I don’t believe in destiny. I believe that were meant to be. I love you so much and I promise to take good care of myself so I could take good care of you. I thanked the Lord for bringing and giving you to me.

I love you and will love you even more, Mahal ko

Lutang ako kasi Nagseselos ako!

Alam kong kailangan kong gawin to para maging maayos ang pakiramdam ko. Para masettle ko ang nagulo kong mundo.  Hindi ko na pwedeng iwasan to and I know I would feel better if I can release everything in whatever way possible... – which for me is blogging.

Bakit ako messed up? Someone cared enough to ask me why. And thank you Neil for the concern. Now, read this to answer your questions.

Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na lutang ka? Yung bang wala ka sa sarili mo. Physically present and mentally absent. Yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Though, mentally present pa din naman ako, especially sa office kasi ayoko na may magtatanong pa kung okay ako. Sa mga may planong magtanong: OKAY AKO... LUTANG LANG TALAGA...

BAKIT?

Sana masagot ko kung bakit.  Iba lang yung pakiramdam ko. Para akong dagat. Maalon ngayon ang emosyon ko. Masaya tapos biglang malungkot. Parang rollercoaster.  Ang labo no? Eh, sa  yun ang nararamdaman ko eh. Magulo. Sobra.

Confused nga siguro talaga ako ngayon. Nagdecide na kasi akong maglet go. Nagdecide na akong wag magexpect. Nagdecide na akong wag nang umasa. Nagdecide na ako na pakawalan yung love. Nagdecide na ako na tanggapin na baka nga hindi kami para sa isa’t – isa ni Jed. That day, I wrote my blog Jerrold Llavorre Crisostomo was the day I decided to let him go and set myself free.  Ayoko na kasing umasa. Nakakapagod. Ayoko na kasing masaktan. Hindi ko na kasi kaya eh.  Ayoko nang magexpect kase baka hindi magkatotoo. Sabi ko sa sarili ko; maybe, hindi na matutupad yung plano namin ni Jed years  ago. Yung  masayang plano.  Yung honeymoon sa Palawan. At madami pang iba. Sabi ko  ng araw na yun, pakakawalan ko sya at kapag bumalik sya, Akin talaga sya. Inisip ko na lang, yung sinabi nya sa akin 5 months ago... “Find someone real kasi may mga bagay na hindi mo makukuha sa akin. I’ll find you after I settled everything.”

After that, I received a text message from him. Kinukumusta nya ako. Tapos nagtanong sya kung pwede kaming magkita. Nanghina na naman ako. Kelan ba ako HUMINDI kay Jed? I cant remember a single instance that I said no to him. I decided to meet him. Actually kami na ni Les ang nagusap. Pero alam ko naming sasama sya eh. Kaya lang, naset ko na din yung expectation ko nab aka walang Jed na dumating. At tama nga yung pakiramdam ko. Walang Jed na dumating. Sabi ni Les sinundo daw ni Bon. Wala akong magagawa dun. Si bon kasi yung kailangan nyang I-settle eh. Sabi ni Les, sinumpa na daw ng buong angkan ni Bon si Jed. Hindi ko na lang pinansin pero alam ko na nakita ni Les yung disappointment sa mukha ko ng sabihin nyang susunod si Jed. Alam kong halata ni Les yung lungkot sa boses ko ng sabihin kong,  “hayaan mo na sya, hindi na sya makakarating” Tama na naman ako. Hindi nga sya makakarating.

Ulit. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “wag ka nang umasa Rem. Dont Expect anything” I tried to live normally. Went to work. GO home. Facebook. Blog. School.

Last Saturday, nagkita kami ni Jed. And hindi ko alam kung ano yung emotions ko. Hindi ko masabing excitement sya. Blanko yung emotion ko. Tinanong nya ako kung namiss ko sya. Sabi ko, hindi ko alam. Totoo. Hindi ko alam.  Hindi ko siguro alam kung paano idescribe yung naramdaman ko nung nagkita kami. Hindi saya eh. Hindi Excitement. Hindi naman ako nalungkot. Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano yung nararamdaman ko.

Jed, I know you are reading this. Please don’t get me wrong and please tapusin mo para magets mo ha?

4 days pass bago ko nalaman kung bakit blanko yung pakiramdam ko nung nagkita kami. Blanko kasi hindi ko na inaasahan yun. Pero di ba dapat Masaya ako? Hindi ko naramdaman na Masaya ako kasi pinapakiramdam ko yung sarili ko. Iniisip ko kung ano dapat yung maramdaman ko. Sabi nga ni Marvin, wag ko gamitan ng isip. Gamitan ko daw ng senses ko. Listen to what my heart says daw. Kaya lang, dinedebunk kasi ng utak ko yung sinasabi ng puso ko... “Tumigil ka nga dyan, hindi ka nadala. Ilang beses ka na bang umasa at nasaktan?”sabi ng utak ko sa pusok ko. Natakot naman ng magreason out yung puso ko. Kaya ayun, no emotions ako nung nagkita kami.

But Jed knows his ways to me. Alam nya kung paano ako lambingin, kaya bago natapos ang mga oras na magkasama kami, alam ko na si Jed pa din yung lalaking gusto kong makasama for the rest of my life. Si Jed pa din yung gusto kong maging tatay ng anak ko. Si Jed pa din yung stranger in my dream. Si Jed pa din ang mahal ko. Natuto na naman akong umasa. Nagexpect na naman ako. Sabi nya, “wala na kami ni Imee. (Bon). Hiwalay na kami, sabi ko sa kanya, gusto nya ibigay nya sa akin yung baby.”

**TAKE NOTE: FIRST TIME READER AT HINDI NAKAKAALAM NG KUWENTO: WALA SYANG ASAWA AT HINDI SYA KASAL ***

Masaya akong umuwi ng gabing yun. Alam ko naman na magiging maayos kami. Ngayon, hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Tama naman sI Jed, hindi maiiwasang magkita sila ni Bon. Hindi maiiwasang pumunta sya don dahil nga sa baby. Tanggap ko naman na yun. Alam ko naman na yun eh. Alam ko kung gaano kakomplikado yung situation. Pero bakit ba ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Sabi nila, assurance daw kasi ang hinahanap ko. Sabi nila tanggapin ko daw na nagseselos ako. Sabi nila, bakit ba si Jed pa eh meron namang iba.

Oo nga naman. Bakit ba si Jed pa? Ito lang ang sagot ko dyan. Kasi si Jed ang mahal ko. Kasi si Jed ang gusto ko. Kasi si Jed ang someone that I want to grow old with. Kasi si Jed ang part ng buhay ko na hindi ko magagawang itapon at pakawalan. Sabi nga nila pathetic. Anong magagawa nila, Mahal ko sya eh.

Oo nga, siguro nga kailangan ko ng assurance, pero alam ko naman yun deep inside eh. I’m assured na kami na talaga. Selos. Tama. Selos nga itong nararamdaman ko.

Hai. Sabi ko na nga ba, kailangan kong isulat ang lahat para malaman ko kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko. OO, nagseselos ako!