Lutang ako kasi Nagseselos ako!

Alam kong kailangan kong gawin to para maging maayos ang pakiramdam ko. Para masettle ko ang nagulo kong mundo.  Hindi ko na pwedeng iwasan to and I know I would feel better if I can release everything in whatever way possible... – which for me is blogging.

Bakit ako messed up? Someone cared enough to ask me why. And thank you Neil for the concern. Now, read this to answer your questions.

Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na lutang ka? Yung bang wala ka sa sarili mo. Physically present and mentally absent. Yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Though, mentally present pa din naman ako, especially sa office kasi ayoko na may magtatanong pa kung okay ako. Sa mga may planong magtanong: OKAY AKO... LUTANG LANG TALAGA...

BAKIT?

Sana masagot ko kung bakit.  Iba lang yung pakiramdam ko. Para akong dagat. Maalon ngayon ang emosyon ko. Masaya tapos biglang malungkot. Parang rollercoaster.  Ang labo no? Eh, sa  yun ang nararamdaman ko eh. Magulo. Sobra.

Confused nga siguro talaga ako ngayon. Nagdecide na kasi akong maglet go. Nagdecide na akong wag magexpect. Nagdecide na akong wag nang umasa. Nagdecide na ako na pakawalan yung love. Nagdecide na ako na tanggapin na baka nga hindi kami para sa isa’t – isa ni Jed. That day, I wrote my blog Jerrold Llavorre Crisostomo was the day I decided to let him go and set myself free.  Ayoko na kasing umasa. Nakakapagod. Ayoko na kasing masaktan. Hindi ko na kasi kaya eh.  Ayoko nang magexpect kase baka hindi magkatotoo. Sabi ko sa sarili ko; maybe, hindi na matutupad yung plano namin ni Jed years  ago. Yung  masayang plano.  Yung honeymoon sa Palawan. At madami pang iba. Sabi ko  ng araw na yun, pakakawalan ko sya at kapag bumalik sya, Akin talaga sya. Inisip ko na lang, yung sinabi nya sa akin 5 months ago... “Find someone real kasi may mga bagay na hindi mo makukuha sa akin. I’ll find you after I settled everything.”

After that, I received a text message from him. Kinukumusta nya ako. Tapos nagtanong sya kung pwede kaming magkita. Nanghina na naman ako. Kelan ba ako HUMINDI kay Jed? I cant remember a single instance that I said no to him. I decided to meet him. Actually kami na ni Les ang nagusap. Pero alam ko naming sasama sya eh. Kaya lang, naset ko na din yung expectation ko nab aka walang Jed na dumating. At tama nga yung pakiramdam ko. Walang Jed na dumating. Sabi ni Les sinundo daw ni Bon. Wala akong magagawa dun. Si bon kasi yung kailangan nyang I-settle eh. Sabi ni Les, sinumpa na daw ng buong angkan ni Bon si Jed. Hindi ko na lang pinansin pero alam ko na nakita ni Les yung disappointment sa mukha ko ng sabihin nyang susunod si Jed. Alam kong halata ni Les yung lungkot sa boses ko ng sabihin kong,  “hayaan mo na sya, hindi na sya makakarating” Tama na naman ako. Hindi nga sya makakarating.

Ulit. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “wag ka nang umasa Rem. Dont Expect anything” I tried to live normally. Went to work. GO home. Facebook. Blog. School.

Last Saturday, nagkita kami ni Jed. And hindi ko alam kung ano yung emotions ko. Hindi ko masabing excitement sya. Blanko yung emotion ko. Tinanong nya ako kung namiss ko sya. Sabi ko, hindi ko alam. Totoo. Hindi ko alam.  Hindi ko siguro alam kung paano idescribe yung naramdaman ko nung nagkita kami. Hindi saya eh. Hindi Excitement. Hindi naman ako nalungkot. Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano yung nararamdaman ko.

Jed, I know you are reading this. Please don’t get me wrong and please tapusin mo para magets mo ha?

4 days pass bago ko nalaman kung bakit blanko yung pakiramdam ko nung nagkita kami. Blanko kasi hindi ko na inaasahan yun. Pero di ba dapat Masaya ako? Hindi ko naramdaman na Masaya ako kasi pinapakiramdam ko yung sarili ko. Iniisip ko kung ano dapat yung maramdaman ko. Sabi nga ni Marvin, wag ko gamitan ng isip. Gamitan ko daw ng senses ko. Listen to what my heart says daw. Kaya lang, dinedebunk kasi ng utak ko yung sinasabi ng puso ko... “Tumigil ka nga dyan, hindi ka nadala. Ilang beses ka na bang umasa at nasaktan?”sabi ng utak ko sa pusok ko. Natakot naman ng magreason out yung puso ko. Kaya ayun, no emotions ako nung nagkita kami.

But Jed knows his ways to me. Alam nya kung paano ako lambingin, kaya bago natapos ang mga oras na magkasama kami, alam ko na si Jed pa din yung lalaking gusto kong makasama for the rest of my life. Si Jed pa din yung gusto kong maging tatay ng anak ko. Si Jed pa din yung stranger in my dream. Si Jed pa din ang mahal ko. Natuto na naman akong umasa. Nagexpect na naman ako. Sabi nya, “wala na kami ni Imee. (Bon). Hiwalay na kami, sabi ko sa kanya, gusto nya ibigay nya sa akin yung baby.”

**TAKE NOTE: FIRST TIME READER AT HINDI NAKAKAALAM NG KUWENTO: WALA SYANG ASAWA AT HINDI SYA KASAL ***

Masaya akong umuwi ng gabing yun. Alam ko naman na magiging maayos kami. Ngayon, hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Tama naman sI Jed, hindi maiiwasang magkita sila ni Bon. Hindi maiiwasang pumunta sya don dahil nga sa baby. Tanggap ko naman na yun. Alam ko naman na yun eh. Alam ko kung gaano kakomplikado yung situation. Pero bakit ba ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Sabi nila, assurance daw kasi ang hinahanap ko. Sabi nila tanggapin ko daw na nagseselos ako. Sabi nila, bakit ba si Jed pa eh meron namang iba.

Oo nga naman. Bakit ba si Jed pa? Ito lang ang sagot ko dyan. Kasi si Jed ang mahal ko. Kasi si Jed ang gusto ko. Kasi si Jed ang someone that I want to grow old with. Kasi si Jed ang part ng buhay ko na hindi ko magagawang itapon at pakawalan. Sabi nga nila pathetic. Anong magagawa nila, Mahal ko sya eh.

Oo nga, siguro nga kailangan ko ng assurance, pero alam ko naman yun deep inside eh. I’m assured na kami na talaga. Selos. Tama. Selos nga itong nararamdaman ko.

Hai. Sabi ko na nga ba, kailangan kong isulat ang lahat para malaman ko kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko. OO, nagseselos ako!

Through the Storm

10.16.2009

8.39 AM

Through the Storm

I definitely renewed my faith during the fall of typhoon Ondoy. Not that I don’t believe in God or something. It’s just that I felt God's mercy on me and my family. He spared us from the danger of the typhoon. The Lord kept us safe though we're apart during the typhoon. God made ways to make sure that each and every member of our family safe. And I'm so thankful because not even a drop of water came inside the house, though it’s just an inch and the water will definitely get inside our home.

I was stranded in office that time. Bored and worried. And in my usual grumpy self. I don’t have access to TV news, no access to the outside world aside from the fact that I’m seeing the roads around ELJ building are waist up flooded already. I didn’t even care and I didn’t panic because my brother already informed me that there safe and my mother told me to stay where I am and let the water goes down before going home.

Good thing is that I was able to let myself listen to my mom. I rendered double shift from Saturday night till Sunday afternoon. When I got home; my mom told me everything; all are good news; my family is safe, they were able to cook food and eat. Totally no harm done. And I’m so relieved.

That Sunday night, I was able to watch TV and finally saw what had happened. East side of the metro was really in bad shape. Marikina, Pasig, Rizal was flooded. The CAMANAVA Group of Islands (as what Lordan Obille called it) is also flooded. The event was an eye opener for me... I called it, the fury of nature; revenge of mother earth and such. The incident didn’t choose people. The event made rich and poor meet at the same level. Yes, it’s so devastating.

After all the emotional rush inside of me, I began checking my phonebook, thinking and remembering all of my friends that might be affected by the typhoon. I texted them, checking if they are safe. And most of them are physically safe with their family but almost lost everything. And my usual empathy statement is: "At least you're still alive and kicking"; "At least you're safe". I cannot do anything but to pray for their safety.

It’s a real eye opener for everyone. And that event reminded me of the parable of Noah's Ark. If the Lord was able to diminish everything in 40day and if Ondoy left the country in such a disaster for a continuous rain for no more than 48 hours, then what if it continuously rain for; let’s say 5 days? Will there still be metro manila? Let me answer that, yes, perhaps, we can see the big buildings... and maybe if it rains for 40days then, I believe Philippines will no longer be in the globe or in the world map....

Unlikeable idea but experiencing Ondoy made me fears the Lord more. And made me a better Christian. I want to be like Noah. I want my family to be included inside Noah's ark. I want to be saved and I'm so thankful for God's mercy.

                                                                                                                         

One Tree Hill Quotes

Lucas (Voiceover): Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is There Still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, because we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Lucas (Voiceover): Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.

Lucas: Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world...or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives. For better...or worse.
Keith: Just breathe, Lucas. It's all gonna be okay.

Lucas: There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

Lucas: There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

Lucas: Because it´s only when you´re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it´s only when you´re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the HEARTACHE and fear of what life has.

Lucas: But once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quite persistence of a dream.

Lucas: There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

Peyton: Someone once told me, Every song has an ending Jake, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?

Nathan: You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it. God, I love this game.

Nathan: (voiceover) Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

Nathan: (voiceover) Have you ever heard the expression the best things in life are free? Well, that expression's true.

Lucas: (voiceover) Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred.How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children out into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?

Lucas: (voiceover) Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children out into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?

Ellie: Every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life

Lucas: (voice over) Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?"

Lucas Scott (Voiceover): "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote: 'All are architects of fate... living in these walls of time.'" "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote: 'All are architects of fate... so look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again.'"

Lucas: (voice over) Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "Live each season as it passes. Breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, but resign yourself to the influences of each."

Peyton: (voiceover) at this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.

Lucas: Tennessee Williams once wrote: We all live in a house of fire. No fire department to call. No way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns down the house...with us trapped, locked in it.

Lucas: Lives better---money, popularity, fame---we ignore what truly matter--the simple things-- like friendship, family, love--the things we probably already had.

Nathan: (voiceover) Douglas Adams once wrote, he felt that his whole life was some kind of dream, and he sometimes wondered who's it was, and whether they were enjoying it.

Lucas: Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore simply rise above the pain in the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team braced against the tempests of the world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred space in our hearts.

Lucas: Kahlil Gibran once wrote: Your reason and your passion are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining. And passion, unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Lucas: Kahlil Gibran once wrote: Your reason and your passion are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone is a force confining. And passion, unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Brooke :( Brooke’s Election Speech): I thought I knew you. But I guess it's easier to see what we want than to look for the truth. You think you know me but you don't. And that means you don't know what I can do. You see me as someone popular and have all the answers but that's not true. I may not always know what I'm doing but I'll try to make things better. And when I make a mistake, because face it, we all do, I promise I'll ask for your help. I can't do this alone, but if you'll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise if you believe in me, I'll find the courage to reach for your every dream. John F. Kennedy said, "The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality".

Lucas: Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote: No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.

Lucas (Voiceover) - Oliver Wendell Holmes once said: Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.

Lucas: (voiceover) some people believe that ravens guide travelers to their destinations. Others believe that the sight of a solitary raven is considered good luck. While more than one raven together, predicts trouble ahead (He looks out the window and sees many ravens are flying above the car)

Is this our Time now?

                I’m with Jed since 5pm yesterday until 1am this morning. We met at Gateway LRT McDo and went to meet JR and Loi yesterday. We ate and he bought some new clothes. Well, he badly needs some new clothes since most of it was soaked in mud during Ondoy.

He asked me if I missed him. And I answered, I don’t know. Honestly, I really don’t know. I don’t know if I missed him. I even don’t know how and what to feel towards him.  When he hugged me, it seems like; I can’t remember the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. When he kissed me, I can’t remember the feeling of his lips touching mine. Everything seems all new to me. It seems that I everything was a dream.

                TO JED: (oist, magbasa ka muna bago ka magreact ha?)

                 Yes, everything seems new. And I don’t know why. It’s been only months since the last time he held me close. It’s been 5months to be exact. 5 long months.  We talked.  I joke him about the thing, Leslie told me. The sunduan moments. He told me, the best news I ever received for the past few weeks... “wala na kami”

                It’s great news. It’s what we’ve been waiting. It’s what he promised me. That he will settle everything and he’ll find me again. And I asked him,  “maniniwala na ba ako?” and he answered, ever so sweetly, “Ikaw, nasa sayo yun” Reminded me that he’s still the Jed I once knew.

                “Bakit ngayon ka lang nagparamdam?” I asked.

                “Masaya ka nun di ba? May boyfriend ka eh” he answered.

                I ended up confused. He then, reminded me of the entry I have in my live spaces about my secret Laurel. I told him that, my secret laurel is my crush and we never had a relationship. I don’t know why I’m explaining myself to him but I can feel that he was still the same jealous Jerrold. But then, I’m guarding my mind and my heart. I really can’t believe that we are together.

                But, then as hours pass us by. I remembered how I miss this man. How much I loved him. And I want to scream and shout. I want to tell the world how happy I am but, why do I feel something is missing. If not missing, something’s wrong.

                Well, I really don’t know. Maybe, I was not expecting this. Or maybe because I stopped hoping for a happy ever after for both of us. Maybe, I was hurt enough and I don’t want to be in pain again. And maybe, I managed to learn to feel by my brain and not through my heart.

                Or maybe, I was just caught off guard. I was taken by surprise and my heart was able to counter the attack. I’m totally confused.

                And maybe, this time, Jed needs to prove his love for me. But why then, I told my mom about him going to our house?

                Confused. Totally.

Life Lessons at 24

I'm 24 years old. Old enough. When I was in High school I dream that at this age I'm already engaged, waiting for my 25th birthday then got married and then have a baby by the age of 26 or 27. I dreamt that at this age I’m already successful. And I remember that day in Hs when I started weaving my dreams. I believed that after graduating in college, I will be get a stable job, have my own house at the age of 22, and then I’ll buy my first car. But then, life was not easy.

I enjoyed my college life so much. I became a student leader, I became a community leader. I joined several seminars, organizations and enjoyed every subject that I have. I saw myself in college the way I planned.   I have several flings in college, and I told myself, right after college, I will take my relationship seriously.

I started weaving my other dreams before graduating in college. I will visit every place in the Philippines before going abroad. I told myself, I don’t want to work abroad; I just want to visit the places that I only read in books. I want a simple life here in the country. I have so many dreams. Too many that we need to change and sometimes give it up.

When my uncle got sick and died, my fairytale story ends. When my father got sick and died, my dreams vanished into thin air. I need to give up my dreams of buying my own house at 22, I need to give up my dream car, I need to give up my dreams of the Philippine tour and abroad. I need to give up everything. I need to choose between my wants and needs. And I need to choose from being selfish or selfless. I choose being good. I choose to give up my dreams. I choose to give up my wants. I choose to be selfless. Right now, I’m the sole breadwinner of our family. I'm sending my siblings to school, 2 colleges, 2 high school and 2 in elementary. I'm the one who gives the money for our food and for the bills and for everything else that we need.

I know it’s not my obligation. I know I can stop anytime that I want. Honestly I tried but I can’t bear the sight seeing my mother at her 50's now working. I can’t bear the thought that my two brothers won’t be able to finish their course. And most of all I can’t bear the thought that my family is starving while I’m having the time of life.

Life has been hard on me. Life made me tougher though. Despite all of this, I'm still thankful that we (my family) are still eating 3 times a day and I was able to provide the basic necessities. I'm thankful that all of us are in good health. I'm thankful that despite all of this, my family remained strong.

Life made me choose. And I want to believe that I made the right one. Though, I can’t deny the fact that sometimes, I’m still holding on to those dreams...

And I can’t deny the fact that right now, getting married and having my own family is far from getting into reality. I'm enjoying being single and I don’t think I will be able to enjoy a relationship... a romantic one with someone. Not now. Not in the next 2 years or so. And a horrible thought crossed my mind today, and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to end up alone. An Old maid, a spinster.

Later, I know, I need to open my mind for relationship. Actually, I’m open for one, if they can understand my situation. And if one day, I will learn to love again...

The greatest lessons that I’ve learned so far are:  Dreaming is free but you need to stick with reality. Life is hard and it’s up to you to make it easy. And most of all, I learned to be tough and strong to let go of my wants.

Too many Buts...

I’ve never been this cautious in my entire life. I am actually surprised myself. I know myself as someone who’s go with the thrill, an adventurous and daring; daring in the sense that I’m going to do everything even if its life threatening. I never had problem trusting people. I make friends easily; I don’t care if I’m hearing negative things about that person, as long as they don’t do something bad to me...  I easily fall in love. No matter how bitchy I am, I have a soft heart, a hopeless romantic and I’m someone who enjoys few quiet moments with my partner.

People asked me, my workmates bugs me to get a boyfriend and have a life. It was never an issue before. It’s as easy as counting 1 to 10. I’m not saying that I jump from one relationship to another but I have a lot of choices. I have suitors and all of them are incredibly hot and all of them are good catch, but... there’s this but...

I have a lot of buts right now. But, I can’t trust again. But I can let down my guard. But I’m afraid. Basically that’s it! I have fear of being into another relationship again. I fear that I might get hurt again though; I believe that love is a gamble; you can either win or lose. I guess I’m making up excuses. I guess the bottom line is, I’m afraid to be in a relationship simply because they find me as someone who can fulfill their lustful fantasies.

I’ve asked several guy friends and I’m so surprised to hear their answers. I asked them if I’m nakakalibog and they answered me, with a big yes. Yes, I’m surprised because I know for a fact that I’m not that beautiful. I’m just a simple girl, I wear simple clothes. I love wearing jeans and simple blouses or shirts and slippers or sneakers. I only have 36B boobies. That’s all. Why do they find me as someone who can fulfill their lust?

It’s a question that I often ask to my suitors and they get tongue tied. Yesterday, a special someone admits that, he felt the same way since the first day he met me. And it kept wondering more, what if they convinced me to have sex with them, will they stop pestering my life?  Will they stop courting me? And is sex all they want from me?

Maybe, that’s my fear right now; I fear that men want me because of sex not because of who I really am...   L

Until then

I received a lot of negative reactions from my last post. And i cant blame them. But they dont know why i feel this way. They dont know how i really feel. They simply dont understand anything.

As what I've said they can call me pathetic, they can call me stupid. They can call me any word they want to use but they are not helping.I already know it even before they open their mouth. And i hate myself as well for loving him this much.

Maybe, ras is right. He just need someone who will scratch his itch and i was the one stupid enough to do it for him. But, Ras dont know anything.Ras dont know our past and the situation before.

Or maybe its me that really cant let go. Letting Go is never an easy thing especially if you found that something that you really wanted. The special thing that made you whole and complete. That special person that you're seeing your whole life with. That special person that you want to build your dreams with and to spend every single breath.

Life is not always good. There are times that i need to learn to let go. There are things that i need to give up. There are persons that i need to forget no matter how hard.

I love Jed so much. I loved him till the point of losing myself. I loved him until now and i will love him every single day of my life until i cant love him any more.until my heart grew tired of loving him. Until all the love in my heart flows.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of hoping and i wish i can grew tired of loving him so that i can open up my heart again... until then..

Just when...

I woke up in the middle of sleep last night because I need to pee. It’s been my habit to check my cell phones if I have some missed call or text message. And I received one from Jed last night. Yes, he texted me last night and I was able to reply to his text after almost 2 hours. I stayed up for more than an hour until I dozed off to sleep again; waiting for his response. I wasn’t able to sleep well because I was subconsciously listening for my cell phone’s beep.

He sent me a simple message. “muzta-jed”. I replied... “Hi Jed! Sori 4d l8 reply, ngaun ko lang nabasa txt mu s smart q. Aus lang aq, me class aq mya skul. Things r working fyn. E2 new landlyn nmin 9733079..musta- rem” I put his name and my name because I believe that he was using his brother’s cell phone. He can’t use his own sim card because the mother of his child keeps on checking it.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart because he didn’t replied. I wanted to call him but I can’t. And I don’t know why. I wanted to talk to him. Tell him that I hate him. Tell him that I love him. Tell him that I can’t sleep because of him. Tell him that I miss him. Tell him that he still keeps my heart beating and he is still the man I dreamt of being with forever.

I wanted to tell him that I hate him. I hate him because every single time, that I try to move my feet forward, I end walking two steps backward. I hate him because he keeps me hanging; holding on the promise he made. And I wanted to tell him that I’m tired of waiting for him. And that I hate him for letting me fall for him over and over again.

It’s his fault if I still believe in him after all these years. We met and I fall in love with him when I was 20 and now, I’m already 24... 4 years passed and I still feel the same way. And I hate myself more for loving him.

I can’t move forward. I’m stuck here. Every time I try. Every single time that I decide to let him go, he will do something that leads me holding on; stronger than before. And I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. I can’t move on. I can’t let him go and there are times that I hate him for teaching me how to love him more and more.

It’s just a simple text but it affects my whole night and whole day and up tonight and maybe until tomorrow night or the next night after or maybe every night of the year... I will still dream of holding him back. Hugging him. Kissing him. Loving him more and more. And yet, those might remain as dreams... dreams that won’t ever come true...

Call me stupid. Call me mad. Call me every word you’ve got. But I just can’t help it. And I hate it.

yes-- i'm a drama queen

10.6.2009
6F ELJ
my dad's birthday

I dont know what is happening with me. I dont know what to say. I dont even know what to write. im just simply letting my thought flow. and its all about jed... its been about jed since i saw his picture in facebook.
i really dont know if im sad or happy. maybe it would be safe to say that i feel something positive upon seeing his picture holding his child. i can say that i'm happy for him. He got a one big blessing in life - a child; which right now i know i cant give him. i can say also that i am sad. sad for the fact that i was not the one who shares the half of his joy. sad because i'm not the mother of the child.
reality strikes me. i cant have him now. maybe just for now. i remember his words when he confesses about this baby beforehand. "I'm going to leave her but i will still support the child and you cannot tell me to marry her because its you i want to be with." it may sound cheesy but its against my values. i cant stand thinking that i will be taking a family away from this innocent child. i myself doesnt want to have a broken family and thus, this child has a right for a home and a happy family...
his arguments are also strong. how can the child have a happy family when the father doesnt love the mother... and i cant debunk this one...maybe because i grew up within a home, with walls of love and windows of understanding and he grew up in a home where both parents are pretending that there's still love, a father hiding a second wife. a mother covering for the head of the family. he doesnt want his child to grew up in such condition and again, i cannot argue...
my mind is full of his thoughts, of his memories... and i must admit i want to hugged him tight right now, i want to see the smile on his face, his playful laughter and twinkling eyes. i want to be with him but i cant... or rather i wont... as much as i wanted to, i need to give him up...he's no longer mine... and i dont want to make it hard for him to choose his now-family. i dont want to make it hard for myself either -- waiting for him to figure how to resolve things...
my horoscope said that, i need to let others decide for themselves --- maybe. yes, maybe i need to let them decide but i'm already decided.-- i'm letting him go.... and i wont hold him back now. i must say goodbye-- no matter how hard... i love him so much that its tears my heart while writing this...
yes-- now i admit, im a drama queen.

Jerrold Llavorre Crisostomo

10.5.2009

Seeing his photo in facebook holding his baby, I remember that he is still the man I wanted for the rest of my life. Seeing his solemn, peaceful and happy face while holding his child, reminds me that he’s the man I wanted to become the father of my children.

Seeing his account in facebook makes me realize that I already lost the guy I truly love. Seeing his account in facebook makes me accept that he cant be mine… now and forever. He is part of my past that I cannot bring to my future or even in my present.

Seeing him even virtually makes my heart wonder if I can still love another man the way I loved him. Seeing him that way makes me say that I am happy for him. I am happy because he is happy and I finally realize the true meaning of letting go.

Yes, I’m letting go of the man I always loved. Yes, I’m giving him up now. No more holding on. No more waiting for his promises. No more Merdej. No more remrose and jerrold. Now, it would be just remrose. Me and myself alone.

We’ve always been friends yet he remained as a stranger to me. He never failed to amuse me, to surprise me and he never failed to let me feel how much he loves me. I don’t have any regrets having a relationship with him. Ours was so special. Its something worth remembering. A relationship full of fun, friendship, adventures, understanding and good communication.

Jerrold Llavorre Crisostomo will remain as the man that I first truly love. Yes, he will be the one that I first truly love, cause right now, I’m going to give him up and let others in. Jed will remain as the first man I ever brought home to introduce to my parents. He will remain as the stranger of my life. A special friend that I always have. He was the one who taught the beauty of being in love and being in a relationship. He will remain as the person who taught me how to love unselfishly and truthfully. He will always be the first man I ever dreamt of being my husband.

Its hard giving him up after all these years that we shared together. But, time was not always our friend. I will give him up now, and if someday time will favoured us, then that will the time I’ll decide again.

Mahal ko, I always loved you. Now and forever.