HIGH SCHOOL

I love high school. I can’t deny that. I enjoyed every day of my four years in my precious alma mater. I know during that years; I was happy. Or I must say, I believe I was happy. I have a lot of friends and I started creating my dreams here.  I can still remember the nonsense giggles and “pacute days” before.  The nonstop slum books and autographs. The promises of endless friendships, timeless dreams and aspirations. And it brings a big sigh… a happy memory it is.

I was able to pass by my High school Alma mater yesterday and looking at those teenagers, I wonder if they are enjoying it.

My high school days were not like anybody's. I want to believe mine was different. Maybe because I’m really different. Looking back, I can say now that my high school life was not that fruitful; but I did enjoy it in my own ways. I don’t know why I’m saying this, why it seems that didn’t enjoy it. Maybe my purpose is to show the other side of high school.

I went to a public high school under a special science class program. My classes start at 6:15AM till around 3:30pm or 4pm. Yes. It’s a whole day class. Most of us are classmates since elementary. Others came from private elementary schools. It’s a total mix of students with one thing in a common - most of us are from the top sections in elementary; honor students, achievers; the pride of our primary schools; with talents and skills par excellence.

Honestly, I was too excited to enter High school. My cousins and my neighbors told me that High school is the best. Based on the TV Series and Movies, they describe high school as the "best part of your life". Technically, it’s because; it’s the transition period from being a child to young adult. The adolescence years, the campus courtship; the first love (which later on; you will realize that its just a puppy love) But, nobody warned me that it would as hard as it can be. In this stage you will be labeled. Campus Queen or King, the Jocks, the nerds, the punks, the nobody’s, the elites, the poor, the brainers; the no-brainers and other names.

Building friendship was hard for me. I mean a truly lasting friendship. Or maybe it’s because I can’t easily trust the people around me. Or maybe I was too paranoid as well - I wanted to give out a good impression but I ended up in bad waters. I have a lot of colleagues; people say I’m easy to get along with, I have acquaintances from SOF, DOST 2, Par-Sci and even from the regular sections- from the highest to lowest section.

It’s hard and confusing for me. During our homeroom - our adviser told us that we need to set good first impression because first impression lasts. She has a point but later on I realized; “WTH! It’s like you're hiding yourself, it’s like you're being boxed up; then why not just be me..."

I know people are talking behind my back (as paranoid as ever) I know they’re saying negative things about me. It may appear as if I don’t care but deep inside it’s really killing me. I know it’s a fact because I also talked behind someone else back just because I want to a part of a certain group. I want to win friends but then, it’s hard. Or maybe again; I didn’t try hard enough.

I gained friends and I felt more at ease with the crowd of other people; (I mean students from different sections)I can be myself with them rather than the people in our block. (maybe because I’m superior when I’m with them) or maybe it’s because I heard words like I don’t have finesse; that I’m too Magaslaw and all that... and I do understand that they want me to become better; but again; I’m different remember? - Deep in the back of my mind; I’m wondering if they want me to become better or just to be like them...

Birds of the same feathers flock together - that's the concept in High school. You need to have at least one common point to become friends and right now I find it shallow. For me, friendship is developed by the differences in each person and finding it enduring.

I find my high school as a boxed life. I need to do this to become this. I need to be this because it’s what’s expected from us. I have to or else... High school. I did enjoy it. Really I do, but I can’t deny the fact that right now, looking through these students - wearing the same uniform as what I have worn years ago makes me realize the feeling of being told on what to do, how to move and how to live according to other's expectations and how pathetic I have been following them.

I remembered the days when my teachers will say; "you're in section one, you should be (take note: YOU SHOULD; again the word is SHOULD) the model students." Model students in the sense that we need to make sure that we set proper example - no cutting classes, no late, no violations, we should be perfect for them and I hate it - they won’t allow us to commit mistakes and they forgot that we are also like any other students - we are also teenagers; bound to commit mistakes; bound to have low grades.

                Being in a special science class is an achievement. It’s a feather on our Caps. We can say we are on top of others when it comes to I.Q. but when it comes to E.Q. I doubt if we are developed to have a high E.Q. It’s like were guinea pigs - they are developing us to excel in every subject areas. And I’m thankful for that but the comparison? Teachers can’t understand that each and every student has their own capability; that we have our own identity, talents and skills. One can do something others can’t. One is bound to do great in something. Each and every one of us is different from each other.

I hate them for telling me that I won’t succeed. They don’t know me or life that I had lived. They don’t know anything about me or the dreams that I have. Or the pains that I’m going through or the confusion that I was suffering way back then. But no one cared and I feel during that time, I can’t trust anyone.

I hate high school because I lived according to their expectations. I know I can’t bring back the old times. It’s already a past and regardless of what I have heard before; I am still me no matter what.

I remember one of my teachers saying; that in every flock of sheep, someone will go astray. I can say I’m that sheep; the black sheep. but at least I was able to become me... no matter how hard was the consequences are - I was a floating member of the class; no specific group of friends. Just me and myself. I'm like a butterfly that jumps from one group to another. At least it saved me from the pain of being betrayed or being exalted from your group of friends...

Looking back, it’s so pathetic and immature of us, but as the saying goes; "they can forget what you have said or done, but no one can how you make them feel"

I did enjoy high school but I can say now that it’s not the best part of my life... the best part would be college when I was able to express who I really am... and being with people who lets you be you with no questions asked...

But maybe, that’s high school: a life’s turning point. The point in one’s life where you start building your own self; the part where you start creating a name for you and for yourself; the point where you start building your dreams, the part where you realize your talents and skills, where you discover your real potentials. The part of your life where you start knowing…and learning by your own; where you tend to scar your knees and cry true tears; point in life where you can commit as many mistakes as possible; point wherein you can try challenging your society or just simply going with the flow… (I chose the first option) The funny thing, despite this experiences, I given the chance, to change anything in high school, I won’t even dare because this makes me; ME!

My high school life is a happy one but perhaps, it could have been better if I learned earlier that life is never fair…

Have You Ever?

 Have you ever felt so tired of everything that is happening around you? That; sometimes you are wondering when will it change. Did you feel that certain kind of stress that all you want is to disappear from the world even for a while? That all you want is for the world to stop spinning even for a minute. That sometimes you feel that the time is passing by so quickly that you sometimes you can’t cope up with it. That all you want is for it to remain still; for a moment to last a little longer. Or sometimes, you wished that everything would just end... (A dark thought again...)

Have you ever felt that you are bound to experience a life changing event upon opening your eyes? Did you feel that when you wake up one morning; you suddenly feel so energized and so gay? And that you keep telling yourself that there’s something’s going to happen today that would change your life forever. (Without you realizing that every decision you make is bound to change your life forever?)

Have you ever felt a certain kind of fear? That it makes you so paranoid that you tend to look over your shoulder every now and then? Fear that envelopes your soul, fear that seems to haunts you even you’re in the safety of your bed and at the care of your home. Fear of someone finding your secrets; fear of losing someone; fear of betrayal; fear of anything; fear of every kind. (if you’re still feeling this; then it means you still have your conscience.)

Have you ever felt so down that makes you so grumpy all day? And you dont want to talk to anyone? And if someone will ask you; you will just grunt? You feel so grumpy, you feel so down that no one can ever come close to you except for that someone who knows you deep inside out.

Have you ever felt so disappointed for things that didn’t go as you expected? Or for not getting something that you want? Have you ever wanted something that you did everything just to get it? You plead, you cried, you tried to be good, mean and bad at the same time?

Have you ever cried for no reason at all? You cry simply because you want to and that as of that moment, crying is your best option; your best weapon; your so called anesthesia for whatever you are feeling.

Have you ever laugh out your heart out just because you wanted to laugh? That laughing makes you feel you fooled everyone else around you. That laughing will keep all those scrutinizing eyes away from you for even a while, That laughing it all out will make you someway better.

Have you ever had your heart broken? Broken into pieces, broken by someone whom you give it all to?

Have you ever had everything crashing down on you? Like you just simply crash and burn. All of your dreams, all of your wish and all of your hard work just fell down on you.

Have you ever had that weirdest dream? A dream you never think of. A dream that surprise your subconscious mind while sleeping and makes you wonder why?

Have you ever had that feeling so at peace? That no one can ruin your day, not even a thousand hurtful words can destroy the peace you made for yourself?

Have you ever watched the sunset and sigh at its beauty? Wondering if someone is also sighing at its beauty and wondering if you can be like the sunset… simply wonderful.

Have you ever gaze up onto the night sky and try to figure as much as constellations as possible? Or just simply watching and counting the falling stars? Thinking that one of those stars is you and that there are people gazing up to you.

Have you ever wished to go back in time? To change something that you did or simply to relive the moment or to simply remember it to every detail.

Have you ever wish something yet it didnt come true?

Have you ever lost a friend? a loved one? a pet or anything or anyone special and close to you?

Have you ever wished to find that someone who will sweep you off your feet... to find that someone that will make you feel complete, someone that you know you will love for the rest of your life and someone you will stand up with all the odds that will come....

            and all other Have you ever…

Naranasan mo na ba?

Naramdaman mo na ba yung naiinis ka pero wala kang magagawa.

Naranasan mo na ba yung ikaw mismo ang bumabara sa sarili mo dahil walang ibang makakaintindi sayo?

Naranasan mo na din ba yung sabihan ka na hindi ka part ng grupo at kung bakit ka nakikisama sa kanila?

Masakit pala. Kahit pa sabihing biro lang sya. Sabi nga di ba - "all jokes are half meant." 

Naranasan mo na ba yung bigyan ka ng cold shoulder treatment na wala kang kaalam alam kung bakit? Tapos out of the blue, malalaman mo na dahil may nasabi ka daw na nakasakit sa kanila.

Nakakapikon yun. Sana hindi mo na lang nalaman kasi tama din pala yung kasabihang;  "what you dont know wont hurt you". Nakakainis din kasi akala mo kaibigan mo sila; sa halip na tanungin ka nila para naman may justice sa side mo, walang gumawa. May mga nakakausap ka sa kanila pero hindi sila nagsalita. Cold shoulder pa din. Hanggang sa nasanay ka na lang.

Sabi mo okay lang ang lahat; sumagot ka ng oo na mababalik pa sa dati pero alam mong deep inside hindi na mangyayari yun. Kaya tuloy tuloy na yung pag-alis mo. Yung pag-iwas mo. Civil lang kumbaga.

Maiinis ka pa kasi binibiro ka nila. isinasama ka sa kalokohan nila. Pakiramdam mo tuloy, eh pinaglalaruan ka.Akala nga kasi nila okay na uli; pero ikaw deep inside; nde na magiging okay. Na nde na pdeng bumalik sa dati.

Sabi nga ni Dao Ming Xe; "Ano pa ang silbi ng Parak kung lahat madadaanan sa sorry". at isa pa, nde ka naniniwala sa kiss and make up. At alam mo din sa sarili mo na masyado ng madaming nabago at masyadong malalim ang lamat para maibalik pa sa dati ang lahat. 

Oo, nde na maibabalik sa dati ang lahat. At ayaw mo ding magexert ng effort dahil ayaw mo ng mapahiya at ayaw mo ng masaktan. 

HIndi ka siguro nila maiintindihan. Wala naman talagang makakaintindi sayo kung hindi sarili mo. Sabi nga nila, sa 10 taong kilala mo, 5 sa kanila walang pakialam sayo at 5 sa kanila ang natutuwa kasi nasasaktan ka.

 Eh bakit mo sila bibigyan ng kasiyahan, eh di hayaan mo na lang sila, wag mong pagpilitan ang sarili mo. Di ba nga, nasanay ka na wala sila sa tabi mo at dati naman wala sila sa buhay mo. 

 Ilang beses na akong nasaktan. At masasabi ko namang me natutunan ako. Ang pagkakaibigan at ang relasyon ay parang buhangin.- Isara mo ang kamay mo at unti unti silang mawawala sayo. Ibukas mo ang palad mo at makikita mong andyan lang sila.
 Kailangan mong hayaan ang mga kaibigan mong maging sila. Pabayaan mo sila sa mga gusto nilang gawin. Maging masaya ka sa kanila. Ganun din sa taong mahal mo. Hayaan mo lang sya. Hindi naman sya mawawala sayo kung ayaw nyang mawala sa sayo.
 
            Teka, ano na ba tong pinagsusulat ko? Kelangan ko na sigurong matulog... :)

PARA SA MAHAL KONG INA 11.10.2009

Para sa Mahal kong Ina

 Hindi ko alam kung napasalamatan na kita sa pagdadala mo sa akin sa loob ng 9buwan sa iyong sinapupunan. Salamat sa paglalagay mo ng isa mong paa sa hukay para lang maisilang ako. Hindi ko alam ang hirap na dinanas mo ng mga panahong nagpupumilit akong lumabas mula sa iyong sinapupunan upang makita ang mundong inihanda mo sa aking pagdating.

Hindi pa din siguro kita napapasalamatan sa mga panahong napupuyat ka para palitan ako ng lampin sa tuwing ako'y maiihi o madudumi sa kalaliman ng gabi o sa tuwing ako'y nagugutom - kailangan mong bumangon para ipagtimpla ako ng gatas. Napupuyat ka din sa kababantay sa akin sa tuwing ako'y magkakasakit.
 Hindi mo ako hinayaang malamigan, sa tuwing ako'y giniginaw, yakap mo ang nagbibigay init. Hindi ka din nagsawang ipaghele ako sa gabi. 

Hindi matatawaran ang pagmamahal na binigay mo sa akin simula pagkasilang ko hanggang ngayon. Ginabayan mo ako simula sa aking paggapang hanggang sa mga unang hakbang. Hawak mo ang kamay ko habang isinusulat ko ang aking unang abakada. Hindi matawaran ang tuwa mo ng unang banggitin ko ang mga salitang "mama". Hindi ka nagsawang pakinggan ang mga kuwento ko; lagi mo akong sinusuportahan sa bawat pangarap ko. Lagi kang nakaalalay sa tuwing nabibigo ako. Lagi mo akong pinapaalalahanan na muling tumayo at lumaban; na wag akong sumuko.
Simula noon hanggan ngayon - nasa tabi kita. Hindi mo ako iniwan. Kasama kitang umabot sa bawat pangarap ko. -- Maraming maraming salamat!

Hindi mabilang ang pagkakataong sumakit ang ulo mo dahil sa kasutilan ko. Hindi mabilang ang mga sandaling nagaalala ka dahil sa paguwi ko ng disoras ng gabi at sa ilang ulit na hindi ko paguwi at pagalis ng walang paalam. Hindi mabilang ang sama ng loob na binigay ko sayo sa tuwing sumasagot ako ng pabalang at nagkakamali; sa mga pagkakataong hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinasabi ko dahil lang sa hindi ko nakuha ang gusto ko. Ilang beses din ba kitang tinakot dahil sa mga bagay na inaakala kong tama. Hindi ako naging mabuting anak. Hindi ako tulad ng iba na ehemplo sa kabaitan. Hindi ako santa. Madalas akong magkamali at madalas kong sinusunod ang gusto ko - walang pasintabi kung masaktan man kita pero hindi ka nagsawa. Hinayaan mo akong matuto sa mga sarili kong pagkakamali. Hinayaan mo akong gawin ang gusto ko ngunit sa tuwing bumabalik akong luhaan at nasasaktan - wala akong sumbat na naririnig bagkus nakahanda ang iyong kamay para muli akong yakapin. Hindi mo ako kailanman itinaboy at itinakwil. Lagi kang nakaabang sa aking paguwi.

Hindi ko alam kung paano kita mapapasalamatan sa lahat ng bagay na ginawa mo para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung paano masusuklian ang pagmamahal na buong puso at buhay mong ibinigay. Sana sapat na ang sabihin ko ang mga salitang; Patawarin mo ako, salamat at mahal kita. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakabawi sa lahat ng kabaitan, pagmamahal at pagaaruga mo sa akin. Sana sapat na sabihin kong buong buhay kong tatanawin ang mga bagay na ginawa mo sa akin. Na lahat ng ginawa mo sa akin ay pipilitin kong mahigitan kapag nagkaanak na ako.  Hindi ko alam kung paano at kung ano ang tamang paghingi ng tawad o ang tamang pagpapasalamat. Alam kong hindi sapat ang mga materyal na bagay na pinipilit kong maibigay sayo. Alam kong hindi sapat ang pagpapaalam ko sa tuwing ako'y umaalis; ang pagtatanong ko kung kumain ka na ba sa tuwing ipinaghahain mo ako; ang pangungumusta ko sa araw mo. Alam kong kailanman hindi ko matatapatan ang bagay na ibinigay at patuloy mong ibinibigay.

Isinulat ko ito dahil ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago ko masabing Mahal na Mahal kita, ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago kita mapasalamatan sa lahat lahat at ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago ako makahingi sayo ng tawad. 

Mama, patawarin mo ako sa lahat ng maling nagawa ko. sa lahat ng sakit ng ulong ibingay ko, sa lahat ng sama ng loob at sakit na ibinigay   ko sayo.  Mama, maraming maraming salamat sa pagmamahal, pagaaruga, pagpapatawad, sa bawat yakap at tapik sa balikat, sa bawat paghele at paghalik mo. sa walang sawang pagaalala at pagpapaalala, sa mga kuwento at mga payo, sa bawat kuskos na ginagawa mo sa damit ko, sa bawat pagkaing inihahanda mo, sa bawat gabing hindi ka makatulog, sa bawat sandaling hindi ka mapakali, sa bawat gabay mo sa buhay ko, sa bawat araw na patuloy nating inaabangan para sa katuparan ng ating pangarap, sa bawat butil ng pawis mo para mabigyan ako ng magandang bukas, sa lahat lahat ng ginawa at patuloy mong ginagawa para sa akin - MARAMING MARAMING SALAMAT.

Mama, Mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw ang nagturo sa akin kung paano magmahal ng walang kapantay - ikaw ang nagturo ng tunay na pagmamahal - ang pagmamahal na hindi nagaantay ng kapalit. Ang pagmamahal na marunong magpatawad at magparaya. Ang pagmamahal na handang magpakasakit. Mahal na mahal kita. Mama, sana balang araw maging katulad kita - isang butihing ina.

what you dont know wont hurt you...

I hate this feeling. Sabi nga ni Jed, chillax lang. pero naiinis talaga ako eh.

naiinis ako. Naiinis pa rin ako. Naiinis ako kasi pakiramdam ko pinagkaisahan ako. Naiinis ako kasi hindi ko nagawang maipagtanggol ang sarili ko. Naiinis ako kasi hindi ko silang nagawang komprontahin.

Siguro tama sya. Nagsorry naman sya. Pero sya lang ang nagsorry. at wala naman akong karapatang magdemand ng sorry from them, pero totoo din naman yung sinabi ko sa kanya. Balewala na sa akin yung nagawa nila. Balewala na sa akin na iniignore nila ako dito sa office... HELLO! hindi naman nila hawak ang happiness ko and besides, hindi lang sila ang tao dito. Sabi nga nila, you cannot please everybody at part sila ng everybody na hindi ko mapiplease.

Nasaktan lang siguro ako. Mali. Nasaktan talaga ako sa ginawa nila. I was left in the Limbo. Walang nagsabi sa akin kung bakit. Yung tinanong ko, kibit balikat lang. then, its really true, what you dont know wont hurt you...

its better siguro na hindi ko na lang nalaman. no, buti na lang nalaman ko. sabi nya, may nakapagkuwento daw sa kanila na may sinabi akong against sa barkadahan nila. Naiinis ako kasi sana vinerify muna nila kung totoo. Naiinis ako kasi ang babaw ng tingin nila sa akin. Naiinis ako kasi in a way, sinasabi nilang back fighter ako. NAiinis ako higit sa lahat kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano ba yung sinasabi nilang sinabi ko. at naiinis ako sa taong nagsabi nun sa kanila. Unang-una, sinira nya yung naguumpisang magandang friendship sana. Pangalawa, sinira nya yung pagkatao ko ng wlang kalaban laban.Pangatlo, naiinis ako sa kanya dahil traydor sya.

Sabi ko nga, wala na akong magagawa kundi tanggapin na lang yung nangyari. Wala na rin namang saysay eh. Hindi ko na maibabalik yung ilang buwang hindi nila pagkausap sa akin. Hindi ko maibabalik yung panahong sana kasama ko sila at nakakabiruan. Hindi na mababago yung nangyari na nagmukha akong tanga dahil sa hindi nila pagkausap sa akin. Maraming nasayang at maraming bagay na hindi na mababago.

ayoko nang isipin yun. may mga natutunan naman ako eh. Nalaman ko na hindi sila kawalan. Madaming taong pwede kong makasama. Nalaman ko na hindi sila matatawag na kaibigan dahil hindi nila kayang magsabi ng totoo sa akin.Nalaman ko na okay lang na hindi nila ako pansinin -hindi naman ako namatay eh. hindi din naman ako yayaman kung papansinin nila ako.

yun. At dahil nailabas ko na yung inis at yamot ko- okay na ako... 

magpapasko na. at alam kong mas okay ang christmas ko ngayon. 

wag ko lang malalaman kung sino ang may kagagawan ng lahat ng ito dahil makakatikim siya o sila ng sobra sobra sa akin....

remember, si remrose to... and i believe in the saying "an eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth"

well, let's see.

MY VOW (to the one I truly love)

I wrote this last march 24, 2007.  I wrote this after I realized that it was Jed that I want to spend my whole life with; that it was Jed that I truly love. I wrote this during the time when our relationship was in a brink because of some complicated situation.  Yes, I’ve been weak during this time.  I broke up with him because I was too hurt; because I was so confused because of the things he hides from me; but I know he never lied; it’s just that he can’t tell me everything; afraid that he will hurt me more... (One of his worst decisions...) yes, we broke up and I realized that I need to find myself again. I hibernated for 2 years; tried to forget my feelings for him; I’ve been in another relationship and so he was. We are both trying to forget each other- or maybe; it was just me.

                Then, that day came, 12 March 2009; we met again- and upon looking through his eyes; I feel that the love inside never died, It was always been there.  And yes, we kissed and we started anew. We are working our relationship out. And I guess, the cliché was right; sometimes people need to break up for them to grow up. We are both working on this relationship and I’m sure that He’s the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

                Here’s the vow I’ve written almost 3 years ago...

I vow to love you completely; without hesitations, without reservations and without limitations. I vow to love you for who you are; who you will be and who you’ve been. I vow to love you till my dying days and hours; up to the last breath of my life and I promise you; I’ll love you even more after death. I vow to respect you and your family. I vow to stay with you thru all the ups and downs of our lives.

We’ve been thru all these and that and I vow to grow old with you. I vow to become a good wife to you and a good mom to our children. I love you so much that I won’t even think of leaving you. I will stay for always.

If times of confusion come as our way, if problems will test our faith; I’ll try to be strong for both of us. I will look back to the first time we met, the time I never thought I’ll find you and I’ll gather strength from it. I will endure all the pain and hurts life will give us.

Let me tell the world how special you are to me that though I don’t believe in destiny. I believe that were meant to be. I love you so much and I promise to take good care of myself so I could take good care of you. I thanked the Lord for bringing and giving you to me.

I love you and will love you even more, Mahal ko