Tired; Bored; Hatred

I dont know what happened to me. I lost the enthusiasm to go to work everyday. I lost the the energy in doing the daily tasks assigned to me. Its like everytime that i came in the office, i wanted to go home as soon as possible. I'm having a hard time dragging myself to work each and every working day. (yes, mel i lack the passion to go to work)

I feel like I'm a monster with a big heavy body with a big big chain ball on my left foot and I have to drag myself. I have to carry my big heavy body and the heavy chain ball on my way to the office that turns to a beautiful princess everytime the shift ended.

I dont know what happened. I lost the energy to go to work everyday. Maybe, i just grew tired of what is happening on the floor. I grew tired of nonlogical process. I grew tired of lies and hullaballoos that the management is telling everyone. I grew tired of working for a company who doesnt even care for their employees. A company who avoids confrontation. A company who cant explain the need of a sudden change. A company who expects their employees to be dumbed -- they want employees that dont think and just simply follow; like a shadow that would imitate everything that the man is doing. A company with too much politics in it.

This company started good because people are happy. Because they listen but now? Those people who used to listen tries to avoid you. Maybe thats how the business works. Maybe we are really failing. But why not go to the root cause of the problem instead of covering it up?

Well, enough... I dont want to rant about how bad I feel about the company cause I know people will read this and might react as well.

One Thing that I kept in mind, all these years: I have two choices: To leave or To Stay and right now, i know I'm about to leave because i dont want to lose my principle. I tried hard to swallow and closed my eyes to everything that is against my principle... but i cant stand it anymore.

For those people who has power: Learn to LISTEN to your subordinates; hear them out loud, they wont complain if they're satisfied or at least compromise with them so that both parties would benefit.

Listening is different from Hearing... and please have a process! A standard one. This is the company that i've worked with that has an organizational chart but the job description of each officer coincides or is either doing more or less than what is expected from them.

A friend once told me, a company that doesnt have a definite job decription means they are paid enough...
(so true :( ).

I'll just discuss more tonight...

A Dream that will Never Come True

.... Walk me down the aisle daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy don't cry ....

Its a stanza from the song Butterfly Kisses.

I always dream of my dad walking me down the aisle on that special day, but i know, it wouldnt happen. Ever. Reality bites and its hurting me.

Im missing my dad. So Much. And yes, i admit, i'm a daddy's girl;

Daddy take me with you
I promise I'll be good
Daddy, this is next time
And momma said I could

Sittin' in the front seat ridin' down town
An icecream cone I'd rap him around
My little finger
Tighter than my baby could
You can make a tear go a long long way
When you're daddy's little girl

Well he tightened my bike chain from 7 to 13
Taught me to drive when I was a wild thing
Reached and he prayed while I made some mistakes
That I wouldn't have made if I'd have done it his way

Now he hugs me when he sees me
We talk about the past
He tries to give me money
And I try and give it back

He's a book of advice
More than I need
The look in his eyes is saying to me
Let me help you all I can
While I'm still in this world
What will you do when you're daddy's gone
And you're daddy's little girl

I know my dad always wanted the best for me, and right now, I can still remember the look in his eyes when I graduated in college. I remember how proud he was with me and my other siblings. I can remember the pain in his eyes whenever Im loosing path.

And What'll I do when my daddy's gone?

I cried. I cried too much and took me years before I accepted the fact that Daddy wont be there anymore...

I Love You Papa.

BUTTERFLY KISSES

BUTTERFLY KISSES

Daddy take me with you
I promise I'll be good
Daddy, this is next time
And momma said I could

Sittin' in the front seat ridin' down town
An icecream cone I'd rap him around
My little finger
Tighter than my baby could
You can make a tear go a long long way
When you're daddy's little girl

Well he tightened my bike chain from 7 to 13
Taught me to drive when I was a wild thing
Reached and he prayed while I made some mistakes
That I wouldn't have made if I'd have done it his way

Now he hugs me when he sees me
We talk about the past
He tries to give me money
And I try and give it back

He's a book of advice
More than I need
The look in his eyes is saying to me
Let me help you all I can
While I'm still in this world
What will you do when you're daddy's gone
And you're daddy's little girl

Jeff Carson:
There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
And she's daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus
And I close my eyes
And I think God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all

For butterfly kisses
With her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair

Walk me down the aisle daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy don't cry
With all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning
And butterfly kisses for life

Faith Hill:
What'll I do when my daddy's gone
------------------------------
Butterfly Kisses
By: Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven, and she’s daddy’s little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank God for all the joy in my life, But most of all...
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony daddy, it’s my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today.
She’s looking like her momma a little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings in a great big world. But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy, but if you don’t mind,
I’m only going to kiss you on cheek this time."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precise time.
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise, and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking, and I said, "I’m not sure,
I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over... and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it’s just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?" "Daddy don’t cry."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses.
I couldn’t ask God for more, man, this is what love is.
I know I’ve gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember

The Dream

She prayed hard. She asked for signs. Signs that would lead her to the person that she would love forever, the one that is destined for her. She's hurting and it’s all because she thought she is in love. She wants to feel what Love is. She listens to music -- love songs. She read stories -- love stories; books about love and its magic. She watched movies and cried and feels good at the same time. Wondering and hoping one day she will find that special someone that would give her that special throbbing of the heart that she will spend the rest of her life with.

One night, she had a dream. It was her wedding day. But when the pastor asked them to kiss, she shouted and awaken. The man has no face. It’s only a silhouette. She then prayed that night and sleep again. The next morning she felt great.

On the back of her mind, she won’t tell anyone about that dream. She won’t tell how the place looks like but one thing is for sure, it’s not her dream wedding by the lake but she felt so comfortable, contented and happy.

Another dream. She was in some sort of a parking lot and she was waiting with some other people she will be working with. She notice this guy... she didn’t freaked out or something because everyone has a vivid face. And when she woke up, she knows that this would happen soon.

She had another dream. But this time, she was in a house doing laundry. She was with a man, - again a faceless man, she was talking to him. They were joking and playing. And she know deep in her heart -- this is the man she meant to be with forever. 

The last two dreams are recurring. And it all stops... One day...

That fortunate day when she finally meets him; like the way in her dreams.

THE MEETING

She is 20 that time. She just graduated from college and is enjoying her life. She is full of dreams. She has a lot of things in mind. She is just your typical lad in her twenties. She didn’t know what lies ahead but is willing to face everything. She’s someone simple. She’s not that pretty but people say she has expressive eyes. Her smile and the tinkle in her laughter make her attractive.

           

He is 26 that time. He is currently in a relationship and like any other guys, wanted some thrill. He is full of dreams and wants to achieve more in life. He is a typical guy in his late twenties. He didn’t know what lies ahead but he so thrilled to experience life. He’s simple yet has this x-factor. He’s not handsome but he is oozing with sex appeals. His eyes, his brows are the one that draws her near him.

Both of them didn’t know that one typical morning in that July of 2007, they will cross paths and destiny will play with their hearts; mind and even life.  As the saying goes, no one knows what lies ahead through the course of our life.  And both of them realize one thing. That typical morning, their lives will be changed.

July 2007

She feels that urge. She can say that something is about to happen. You can call her paranoid or strange but one thing she can prove is that her heart is beating beyond normal. She is an aspiring writer and maybe it’s overcritical but, she’s sure that this day will mark something; she is about to experience a life-changing situation and yes, she’s too excited for it.

            He’s there. He saw her coming. She’s wearing jeans and shirts and she looks so ordinary. Her kinky hair was tied with a ponytail. He didn’t know what lies ahead but he felt that this gal will play a great part on his life.

            The day went by. She’s not breathing normally. She survived the first day; or she thought… Upon entering the house, she is asked by the guys. She stopped for a little chit chat; anyways, they will be together for a couple of weeks; why not build friendship? He asked her for her number. And there it was; her heart is beating erratically. She asked for signs why she is feeling this, and then she remembered; the stranger in her dreams… And she knows; right there and then; she is about to meet the man that she will love forever.

            You can call her as someone who is hopelessly romantically. She is your typical girl who loves to read romance; she loves to read almost everything but she is a fan of Nicholas Sparks. She hopes and dreams that someday; she will get her message in a bottle. She wished that someday; she can write her own notebook and will experience a walk to remember. She wants to have her 50 first date and she wants someone whom she can share her music and lyrics. She wants someone who will remain sleepless and someone she can call her own.

 --- To be continued ---

SOON...

I must say i wish everything was just like before when our love was so simple. when we really hide it cause our eyes shows how much in love we are with each other. But things changed and time changes us. and i really dont know what happened here.

I lost the glitter in my eyes - the love that was there... the stars are no longer bright... and its because a dark cloud came over us. Pain changes everyone. I tried to be tough and build walls around me when in fact its my heart i cant trust. I started despising my heart. I learned to shut her down. everytime, i would listen to my brain who reminds me how hurt i was before. -- and yes, i forgot how to feel the feeling...

but, i cant stay like this. I need to feel the feeling again. but it seems that, my heart turned into a monster since i hid her inside a wall. she cant feel anything, and i needed help.

Good thing is that, the Old Rem never left my side, she was there waiting to be recognized. Old rem helped my heart to heal and turn back into the loving heart she is. But the walls are still strong and its me who can break it up. I dont know how but i will find a way...

I need to break away and learn how to feel the feeling again. My mind needs to forget how hurt I was and my heart needs to get the feeling again...and i hope it would be soon.
Old Rem Promised that she'll help me. and i know, i will be able to get through this and me and old rem will be one again...

One day, my eyes will shine like the night stars -- it will reflect the love that i have for my man once more... one day, i will able to remove the walls that i built and start building our dreams together. and that one day will start now.

I love you bee, i will do everything to make you happy... You're my life.

DEJAVU

Tsk… Tsk… natutuwa naman ako. Para kaming sira ni Jed habang magkatext. Kung ano-ano na naman napaguusapan naming. Nakakatawa. At para siyang dejavu.

2 years ago, month of april. Niyaya niya ako magpakasal.

Malapit na ding makaalis sila Momi Menchie at Tictac nun papuntang US. Next silang 2 ni JP. Malapit na naman ang camp nun. Mas malaki pera naming na darating since mga Head Teachers kami. Sabi nga ni Leslie. Mas may tiwala sa akin kasi alam nyang pde niyang iwan sa akin ang responsibilidad. Nakakatawa ang mga plano naming nun. Plinano namin ni Jed na pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng Camp. The time na dumating kami ng Manila, tutuloy kami sa Palawan. Magcecelebrate. Kaming 2 lang.. for sure naman, mageenjoy kami.

Sinabi ko sa barkada na nagsabi na si Jed. Nde maganda ang dating sa kanila ng balita. Nagulat ako ng tinanong ako ni tata, Rem, natatandaan mo ba yung Imee? Sabi ko, oo. Sinabi sa akin ni tata na buntis daw si Imee at si Jed ang tatay.

Shock, numb, nde ko alam kung pano ako nagreact that time. Nasa boso boso kami nun.kaming 5, ako, si rox, si les, si jon at si Tata. Si jed lang ang wala. Kaya nagulat ako. Sinabi ni tata na magkasama daw si Imee at si Jed that time.

Ang sakit nun. Sabi nila, umiyak na daw ako, pero wala kaseng pdeng makapagbago ng isip ko. Sabi ko, kakausapin ko muna si Jed. Nilapitan ako ni Roxie. Sabi nya, “sis, sige kausapin mo si jed, pero nde sya basta basta aamin sayo. Mahal ka nun eh.:

Nagusap kami ni Jed. Tinanong ko siya. Nde daw. At if ever man daw na totoo yun, magpapakasal pa din kami at itutuloy lahat ng plano. Papanagutan daw niya yung bata pero nde nya papakasalan si Imee. Dahil ako ang gusto niya. Naniwala ako. Nagtiwala ako.

June 8. Masyado na akong maraming naririnig. Masyado nang nagugulo ang tahimik kong mundo. Nagusap kami. Nde pa din siya umaamin kahit alam ko na ang totoo,. Ang gusto ko lang naman aminin nya na nabuntis nya ang babaeng yun. Nde niya ginagawa. Nakakainis na. Umuwi ako ng Aklan para makapagisip at makapagdecide. Bumalik ako ng June 28.

July. Camp na. Wala siya sa terminal ng genesis. Sabay sabay daw ang dating ng Taytay Boys. After lunch na. Dumating siya. Kinumusta ako. Pero cold ang bati ko. After nun, nagusap kami. Sabi ko, kelangang ayusin niya ang buhay nya. Ayoko ng Complications. Gusto ko ng maayos na buhay. Lie low muna kami.

Nde ako nagging Masaya sa camp na to. Malapit na yung birthday nya nung umamin siyang buntis nga si Imee at siya ang ama. Ang sakit sakit, nde kami nagusap ng ilang araw. Nagiinom ako nun every night, nagpapakalasing.

3^rd day, nde sya nakatiis, kinausap nya ako, ayusin ko daw sarili ko. Sabi ko inaayos ko ang sarili ko. Oo nagiinom ako kasi gusto kong makatulog at makalimot. That time, naghiwalay na din kami. Sabi ko, kelangan nyang panagutan yung bata.

Break up… masakit sa akin at nahirapan ako. Pero andun si Leslie to assist me. natapos ko ang Camp ng maayos. Nakuha ang sweldo ko. Umalis ako magisa. Nagbakasyon ako magisa. Nde natuloy ang Palawan. Nde natuloy ang kasal. At nde na ako nakipagkita pa sa Taytay boys. Si roxie, twice lang kami nagkita after nun.

Wala pa akong balak magtrabaho nun. Aksidente nga lang na napunta akodito sa NCO. Si Eddie yung magaapply sa Job fair nun kaya lang ayun, binigyan ako ng form at nagexam ako. Pumasa ako. Pati sa interview. Nagsign ako ng contract. Shit! Me trabaho na naman ako… problema, nakaoo ako nun ke kuya Ron sa events.

Product Training, lagi akong tulog for 5 days kase 9pm-6pm ang training, 10-am-5pm nasa batangas ako para sa events. Mabait lang trainor ko nun.. hahaha. Pumasa ako.. the rest is history. Kung taga NCO Xbox ka. Alam mo na ang mga sumunod na nangyari.

February 20, 2009. Birthday ni Leslie. Tinawagan ko siya at binati. Ayun. Nagulat ako ng sabihan nya ako na, napapariwara ako. Nagmsg ako sa FS nya. March 6, nagtext si Jed. Nagulat ako. Nde ako naniniwalang siya yung nagtetext sa akin. Nagusap kami. Kinumusta nya ako. Nagkuwentuhan sa text. After 2 years saka ko lang nalaman na namatay pala ang baby nila ni Imee. 3 days old lang si Baby Gab, nalungkot ako.

March 12. Nagkita kami. And it seems im back in time... 2 years ago, iba yung pakiramdam ko when I look into his eyes. I see a lonely man inside. Sinabi nya na namiss nya ako. Oo namiss ko din sya. Sobrang namiss. And the moment I laid my eyes on him I realized how much I love this guy. The moment na niyakap nya ako, nde ko na napigilang umiyak at humingi ng sorry. Nagsorry din sya. And that moment, we know, we’re both back in each others arms.

Nagusap kami at sinabi nyang pupunta kami ng Palawan. Pero kasama sila leslie. And he promised me that he will make it extra special.

Masaya ako. Lahat ng pangarap ko natutupad na. Masaya ako kase andito na uli si Jed. At Masaya ako kasi inaayos na nya lahat ng complications sa buhay niya. Masaya ako kase naayos ko na din ang buhay ko.

One step at a time kami ngayon. Starting a new beginning. Getting to know each other uli. Madaming nagbago sa amin. And ito kami ngayon. Masaya. One day at a time. Soon, makakarating din kami dun… J

This time, I wont let him go. Now I know, the real meaning of Faith. And its about time. Bilog ang mundo… J

JEd 5.23.2009

Well, there are a lot of things that puzzles me. And amaze me at the same time.

Jed was not himself lately. Gone was the confident man I was once knew. He seems to be in deep thought. Jealousy eating him up and I don’t know why. I cant seem to understand why.

Before, ako kasi yung praning. Ako yung nagseselos at ako yung tumatahimik bigla. Pero ngayon parang nagbaligtad. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero naguguluhan ako sa takbo ng utak nya.

Ako na ngayon yung confident. Ako na positive thinker sa amin na kahit anong mangyari kami na talaga. Na kahit anong mangyari hindi na kami magkakahiwalay ulit.

Si jed ang ganun dati. Si jed ang nagpapakalma sa akin. Pero ngayon ako ang gumagawa nun (sana lang kumakalma sya).

Nde ko alam kung matutuwa ako or matataranta. Pero alam ko dapat ko syang hayaan to find himself. And to fixed himself. Mahal ako nun and I know for sure he wont leave me.

Maybe that’s it. I’m confident that he wont leave me no matter what. Why? If he was able to accept me after all that happened to me? That’s something that I need to hold on to. After kong magpaalam sa kanya noon, after ng camp, naghibernate ako. Uprooted myself from the prairie were we both belong and planted myself on a new land, bloomed and blossomed, lived and shared a life with someone else. Maybe, he’s thinking, if I have done it once, I could do it again…

Maybe I can but I chose to stay with him and I will be staying with him for the rest of my life, till my dying breath. Alam nya yan.

Sya ang kaisa-isahang lalaking gusto kong makasama habang buhay. Siya ang kaisa-isahang lalaki na mamahalin ko and he’s the only guy that can give me everything. He filled me with happiness and contentment. And being with him is all I ask for.

He’s my dream and prayer come true. The epitome of my ideal man. The stranger in my dream.

We’ll be seeing each other again this week.

He wished that it would be like before where we are on the same place, seeing each other every day, spending each night together, chattering, dreaming. But its not. I chose a different path and it much better cause he is missing me terribly… (peace tayo, mahal ko! J)

If you can read this jed, then don’t be afraid or don’t let negative emotions bury you down. I’m here for you and I’m always yours. I’ve always been yours. Even those times that I’m not with you. You’re still the man I want to be with. Remember? I vow to love you till my dying breath. I love you.

Jed 5.26.2009

I know you’re going through a rough time right now. You’re thinking that I don’t get your point, but I do. Maybe, I want you to stop thinking that way. I don’t want you to feel that way but I can’t help it. You’re entitled to every emotion that you feel.

I know how much you love me. I have no doubt in that. I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. I know you’re not that type of person who says things. You show them. I feel and I believe in your love.

Maybe I don’t really understand you that much. I just don’t want you to live in your “What if’s”. I told you before. Everything happens for a reason and every decision we make comes a consequence that we need to face.

We were separated for 2 years. It was my decision. I broke up with you for the reasons you know. You seen me hurting and in pain. And yes, you tried talking me out of it. I didn’t listen. I choose not to listen and not to believe you that time. I have every right that was my decision. You tried reaching out to me while we are still together in Bataan but I closed myself. I made myself look busy and told you that there’s nothing we should be talking about. I choose that. You choose to let me be.

I left. I hide. I hibernate. You can still find if you really want. I believe that you did your part. I believe that you tried hard to reach for me. You keep yourself updated with what is happening in my life. You know you can call me through my mobile phone. You can meet me at home. You can send me message through FS or through my email. But did you do that? No, because you thought that I was happy with my life. And I know how much my happiness means to you. You keep silent all those years that we’re apart. While I’m silently praying, in my sleep and in my dreams that you will come back and picked me up. But you never did.

I could have done the same thing. I can send you an email. I can call you. I can reach you through Jon or Les or Roxie. I can come over to your house to talk to you but I choose not to. Why? It was because of pride. Because I’m thinking that if you really love me, you should be the one looking for me. You should come to me. And I forgot that if I love you, I should do whatever it takes to get to you again. But my pride eats me up. And I was scared to know what lies ahead. I keep on wondering.

Honestly, I was surprised when you send me a message in my FS. When you texted me. It was an answered prayer. And I feel so great. When I first I saw you again, after two years, I was really afraid. And I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to look back through that pair of dark eyes that I long so much to see again. I’m afraid that you might see the emotions deep inside of me. That my eyes might gave me up. And it did give me up. But it was such a relief because that moment, I finally got back home. I was right home. Back in your loving arms. I finally got back the missing piece of my life. I started to dream again and I was right back on track. I know from that from point on, the answer to the question: what do you really want in your life. The answer is to live my life with the one person I truly love. I got all my answers in one night. And from that night on, I started my life again. I’m finally happy again. I’m really happy.

I’m just afraid of what is happening with you. You keep things to yourself. Yeah, you’re right to believe that, “What you don’t know, wont hurt you” and I know you don’t want to crash and burn. I know there are things that you want to ask me, but you’re afraid of the answers that I might give you.

I know you’re still the jealous guy I once knew. I know you want me to keep by yourself. But you also know that you can’t keep me with you that way. You know that you need to let me grow on my own. To be known as REM ROSE. I know you trust but you don’t trust yourself. I know how much you want me close but I choose not to. I want to be with you but I want to keep myself. I want you to be Jerrold, to be Jed. And I want me to be me. And I want us to us. I believe that we can’t be US not unless we are both REM and JED.

It’s been a long time. A lot of things have changed. You changed. I changed. But we’re going to make it. I love you so much and it was always been you.

Non dang sin eul sarangheyo, nayi agi!

Bataan Escapades

Umalis kami ng barkada ko last May 16-17, 2009. Originally ang usapan eh, magkita kita dapat kami ng 3:00AM. Kaya lang may mga bagay na nde inaasahan na nangyari. Ayun, si Tin tin kasi nahold sa office ng bitag kase biglang bago ng isip yung boss nya… biglang nagrush editing si Tin. So yung 3:00am naging 5:30am…

Naunang dumating si annie. Katapos ko lang maligo ng sabihin nyang, nasa meeting place na sya sa cubao. Mamaya daw dumating na si Ninya. Mga banding 6am, dumating ako… so mayabang kaming 3 kase maaga kami kahit late pa kaming dumating. Hehehe…

Syempre kawawa ang pinakalate na dumating. Lagi namang ganun eh.., super mega dinikdik yung pinakalate… tradisyon na yun ng grupo… mga quarter to 7 ata dumating si ninja…. Syempre… nadikdik din sya… eh, si Tin tin ang pinakalate… so, ayun, nadikdik na naman sya…. Hahahaha….

Nakaalis kami ng manila, around 8am… dun na kami sa pinakadulo ng bus naupo… sakto kaming lima… ako nasa may bintana, katabi ko si ninja. Si tin tin sa gitna tas si ninya at si annie yung nasa kabilang bintana.

Since late na kami nakaalis. Nde na naming nagawa yung planong sorpresahin ang mga tao sa bataan. Ayun, tinext din naming si mama ghie. Nagpasundo kami tuloy. Hehehe… J

Ang saya saya… kaya lang, nde talaga naiiwasan yung tampuhan ng mga tao sa bataan. Nagdamdam sila nanay beak at tatay macoy. Tas inaasar pa ni mama ghie. Hainaku. Pero Masaya yung kabuuan ng lakad.

Unang araw. Kina nanay beak kami kumain ng tanghalian. Daing na bangus ang ulam. Hehehe. Nakatulog kami hanggang hapon. Nagising kami, tapos nanood ng boys over flowers… J naalala naming yung lokohan nung college na barkadang f4 ang barkada namin, kami kasi yung makukulit na barkada. Unlike ng iba, na puro mga gimikera, nde din kami yung barkadang matatalino na laging me study group. Kami yung outgoing na barkada. Mahilig umakyat sa bundok, mahilig sa mga volunteer work. Pero kami ang pinakaclose sa iba pang mga barkada. Since kami ang makukulit, at kami din daw yung bully though me nambubully din sa amin…. Kami pa din ang mango tango.

Wag nyo na itanong kung bakit mango tango… nde ko alam kung san nanggaling yan. Pero mukhang Masaya at nakasanayan na namin yun pangalan hanggang sa yun na yung tawag sa amin… hai…

Masaya naman ang buhay… so mabalik tayo sa bataan. Nung gabi kelangan naming dumalaw kina mama ghie. Actually dun talaga kami matutulog. Naghapunan kami at sinabing, gusto naming umakyat sa natib… open na daw uli eh… so, nagplano kami na magkikita ng 530am sa bahay nila annie… hulaan nyo kung anong nangyari?

Ayun, late na naman. Yung 530 naging 630am…hahaha. So nagalmusal kami. Parang ang sarap ng tuyo sa probinsiya no? nagtampo si nanay beka… kase nagluto uli sya ng almusal. Eh, busog na busog pa kami saka gusto naming makaakyat ng maaga… ayun…

Nde kami natuloy sa natib kase late na… malamang tanghali na kami dumating dun di ba? So sa ilog ng orani kami napunta… (sayang wala pa yung mga pix) nakakatuwa kase me mga hagdan na yung trek… madali yung pababa… naguunahan pa nga kami eh…. Pagdating sa ilog… gandang ganda kami sa ilog. Ang linaw ng tubig tapos sobrang lamig. Yung dala tuloy naming softdrinks, inilagay naming sa ilalim ng bato.. instant freezer… hehehe

Naglangoy kami ng naglangoy hanggang mapagod. Nang magutom, kumain kami. Nang nabusog naligo uli. Tas pinakain uli kami. Tanghalian na yun. Sardinas ung ulam… ang sarap nga nya… iba talaga kapag libre… hehehe

Pagakyat namin, Ayun. Naguunahan kami nila ninya at ani at nja… ewan ko ba… adik kami eh… ang sarap kase ng pakiramdam na nauuna ka… hahaha…. Ano pa ba? Ayun… si tin nagtampo at nagself pity kase feeling nya hinang hina sya… hahaha… (tin, alam mo naman yung kaadikan natin di ba?) so pagdating sa taas, nagmamalaki kami…. Hahaha…. J

Tapos…dumaan kami kina nanay beka.. at since nakaluto na sya, at nahiya naman kami, kumain uli kami.. adobong manok ang ulam… (bawal sa akin yun kahit yung sardinas) pero kumain pa din ako… nakakahiya kase eh… so ayun.. nananghalian kami. Pagkatapos nun konting pahinga para maghanda sa pagpunta sa bahay nila ma ghie.. andun kase yung gamit naming eh…

Pagdating kina ma ghie, natuyuan na yung mga damit naming… ayun… ang saya… nagbanlaw kami tas naghanda na pauwi. Pareho pareho ang reaction ng mga taga doon. Bakit daw saglit lang kami. Gustuhin man namin na magtagal nde pde kase me mga pasok pa kami. Saka kelangan kong umuwi me entrance exam ako eh. Tas yun, umuwi na nga kami pero, kelangan pa din naming kumain kina ma ghie… wah… naka-apat na pananghalian kami…

Umuwi kami. Si Tin nilagnat. Tulog kami lahat sa bus. Sa cubao na kami naghiwa-hiwalay. Si annie sa kamachile bumaba, naiwan si ninja kase sa ortigas or shaw ata sya baba….

Iba yung experience. Masayang makasama ang barkada ko. Namiss naming ang isa’t isa. Namiss ko yung mga ganitong lakad. Nakakamiss talaga. Narealize namin na madaming nagbago sa amin. Iba nay un takbo ng utak namin though andun pa din yung kakulitan, mejo seryoso na kami ngayon. Nakaset yung mga priorities pero may time pa din kami para sa isa’t isa.

Hai… J sa ngayon, eto nagpaplano kami ng susunod na lakad… J excited na ako….

Namimiss ko ang probinisya

I’m a traveler by heart. I love going to places. I love meeting people, learning their way of living. I love spending time under the trees, swimming in the rivers or seas, running in the rice fields, and simply lying in the grass or spending time inside a nipa hut.

My mom is from Leyte. I’ve been there only once. I guess I was in 4^th year high school then… no, I’ve in my first year college that time when I spent my Christmas vacation with my balikbayan aunt (my mother’s youngest sister)

Maganda ang lugar pero nde siya nakakastarstruck. Boring. Super boring. Siguro kase wala akong kakilala. O dahil naiinis ako kapag ang daming daming bumibisita sa akin na nde ko kilala at nde ko alam yung mga pinagsasabi nila. (nakakainis kasi…nde ko masyado maintindihan yung dialect nila… kase yung alam kong salita sa aklanon, iba pala ibig sabihin sa kanila…)

Ang nakakainis pa nun. Binilhan lang ako ng ticket tas binigyan lang ako ng 1500 na pera para makauwi. Wah. Mag-isa ako tas since rush na yung byahe kase karamihan nagmamadaling makauwi, trucking na lang ang available. Huhuhu… wala kaseng barko.. either by land or air lang. wala ng available seats sa eroplano kaya no choice ako… land trip ako… 17-20 hours yung byahe. Nde ako masyado nakakain sa byahe. Nde din ako nakatulog. Huhuhuh.. ang dami ko pang bitbit. Isang backpack na damit saka mga prutas. Pagdating sa pasay station ng philtranco, nagtaxi na ako hanggang bahay. Nakakaiyak. Nde ako natuwa sa lugar. Nalungkot ako. Nde ko naenjoy ang dagat kase medyo madumi saka ayaw pumayag ni Auntie baka daw alunin ako. Pacific ocean na kasi yun eh.

My dad is from Aklan. I’ve been there almost every summer vacation that I have when I was younger. The last time that I went there was 2 years ago for my dad’s burial.(Sad na naman tuloy ako…)

I love my dad’s place. I love the antique house. I love the ricefields. I love the food, the beach, the trees, the plaza and the school grounds. Every month of May, lagi ako kasali sa Santa Cruzan simula pa noong bata ako. Ang mananahi ko si Auntie Lily. Yung tita ni Rio. Lima kaming magkakaibigan. Ako, si Le-an na pinsan ko, si Bhye na katabing bahay naming saka yung kapatid nya na si Mel, saka si Rio na katapat bahay namin.

Ewan ko pero pasaway daw kami. Lagi kaming nasa likod bahay nila Rio. Namimingwit ng talangka sa ilog. Promise, talangka yung andun. Me mga isda pero maliliit lang. tas pag nakahuli na kami. Maglalaro na kami ng lutu-lutuan. Napalo ako nun ng ako yung nautusang bumili ng gas. Huhuhu… L nde pde maligo sa ilog dun kasi madumi saka medyo malakas yung agos.

Pero kapag sobrang init na ng summer, magkakayaan kaming magpipinsan na pumunta ng dagat. Sa navitas kami lagi. 2-3 tricycle yung sasakyan namin, wla ng pagkain pagkain… tinapay lang na kinuha naming sa panaderya nila mel. Hindi naman kami pinapagalitan eh. Tas nde na din kami nagdadala ng tuwalya or pamalit. Malapit lang kasi yung dagat eh. Ehehehe

Naalala ko pa yung huli kong ligo sa dagat. Kasama pa naming nun si papa ko. Para syang butanding na naglalangoy at madaya sya kase kami ayaw nyang papuntahin sa malalim. Nasa may baybay lang kami. Yun yung huli kong ligo pero nde yun ang huli kong punta dun. Huli kong punta dun eh yung pagkatapos ng libing ni papa, buo kaming magkakapatid, kasama si mama saka sila auntie virgie, ate joy, yung 2 kong pamangkin sa pinsan, si kuya eric, nde ako naligo kasi nalulungkot ako kasi parang nakikita ko si Papa na naglalangoy sa dagat. Late masyado kasi yung reaction ko. Sa mismong libing na ako nakaiyak habang ako yung nagpapasalamat sa simbahan. Dun pumasok sa utak ko na wala na talaga si papa ko.

Anyways, madaming magagandang alaala yung bahay nila papa sa aklan. Madami pa akong dapat asikasuhin dun. Ako yung kelangang magayos ng property naming eh, sana one of these days, makauwi ako dun para maayos ko yung dapat ayusin.

Gusto kong pumunta kina Uncle Jim sa Cebu saka Kina Uncle Than sa Bicol. Magagawa ko yun. Baka next year. Masaya naman ako kahit nde na ako masyado nakakauwi ng Aklan kasi madami pa akong lugar na napupuntahan.

Nakarating na ako ng Pampanga, bulacan, Bataan at Zambales. Sa bataan, me bahay akong tinutuluyan dun. At balak naming magbabarkada (mango tango) na bumili ng lupa para sa amin.. hehehe.

Mas lalo na sa Rizal, pero parang city na din kase yun eh, pero may mga ilang part pa na nde naabot ng technology. Isa na dun yung Daraitan. At natuwa naman ako sa pagsakay sa Habal-habal.

Nakarating na din ako ng Laguna at Mindoro. Babalikan ko ang Palawan. At one of this days, makakaakyat kami sa Sagada.

Pasalamat na lang din ako kasi si Jed mahilig sa Outdoors, nakarating ako ng Cavite at Batangas, isang bundok lang pala ang pagitan nila. From Cavite umakyat kami sa Piko de Loro at pagbaba naming nasa Batangas na kami. Ang sarap magswimming sa dagat, at ang sarap tumawid ng China Sea na ang gamit mo eh bangkang de sagwan…

Ang sarap kumain ng corn meal. Giniling na mais na sinangag yun. Masarap maglaro sa pilapil. Masarap manghuli ng kuhol sa mga palay.at masakit kapag nakagat ka ng langgam or ng hantik. Masarap sumakay sa kabayo kahit wala kang saddle. Masarap umangkas sa kalabaw. At masarap manggatas ng baka kahit sablay yung gawa ko. Masarap manguha ng itlog mula sa pugad ng manok at masakit sila manuka. Masakit mapalo kapag naglunoy ka patubigan para manghuli ng dalag o manghabol ng mga pato. Ang gansa ay nanghahabol kapag nagalit. Ang gandang panoorin ng baboy na nanganganak at kelangan palang putulan agad ng ngipin ang mga biik paglabas pa lang nila ng tyan ng nanay nila. Masarap at makati ang paghahabas (pamimitas ng mga prutas o gulay) at masakit sa tyan ang usok ng sinunog na dayami.

Simple lang ang buhay sa probinsiya. Nde ka magugutom pero mabagal ang araw dun. At alam ko nde ako mabubuhay ng matagal dun. Hanggang pagbabakasyon lang ang pde sa akin dun. One of these days, makakarating din ako ng La Union, at makakabalik sa Cagayan de Oro (kuya hani, mayor ka na ba sa Cagayan?) oi, Alvin, kelan tayo uuwi ng Nueva Ecija? Jed, yung Palawan trip natin? Tay Les, uwi tayo sa inyo… Dave, tara, mukhang Malabo yung kina Les eh.

Madami pa akong pupuntahan dito sa Pilipinas. Kapag napuntahan ko yung mga gusto ko, saka ako lalabas ng bansa. Promise yan.

FAITH 4.1.2009

Ilang araw na akong ganito. Low Self Esteem na naman, bakit kaya? Siguro dahil malapit na ang monthly period ko.

Maybe not. Maybe this is happening for a reason.

Everything has its own reason. Sabe ko nga ke Jed. Everything that had happened in the past is because of reasons. So there, we have managed to find out the reason why we need to broke up that time.

I’m too young then, I’m to idealistic. I’m full of pride, I’m thinking of what others might say. And most of all, I believe it’s the right thing to do. I told him that I can’t be a mother of someone else’s child. That thing already is in the past right now. All that matters right now is what we have today.

I’ve missed him and I realized that I really love him. that I do care for him. that, no matter where I am, where I’ll ever be, I’ll love him. and he knows that. We both need time to settle things. Our own complications then, we can be together forever.

Complications never depart our relationship. I need to trust him more this time. FAITH. And this time, I know, he is doing the right thing as well. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. And I need to trust his heart.

Roxie, I hope you’re right.

Oh, Jed… You’re still the stranger on that corner. And I’m still the same me, running toward that corner.

Sigh.