DEEP BLUE SEA

Tired; Bored; Hatred

2010-01-28T12:41:00.001+08:00

I dont know what happened to me. I lost the enthusiasm to go to work everyday. I lost the the energy in doing the daily tasks assigned to me. Its like everytime that i came in the office, i wanted to go home as soon as possible. I'm having a hard time dragging myself to work each and every working day. (yes, mel i lack the passion to go to work)

I feel like I'm a monster with a big heavy body with a big big chain ball on my left foot and I have to drag myself. I have to carry my big heavy body and the heavy chain ball on my way to the office that turns to a beautiful princess everytime the shift ended.

I dont know what happened. I lost the energy to go to work everyday. Maybe, i just grew tired of what is happening on the floor. I grew tired of nonlogical process. I grew tired of lies and hullaballoos that the management is telling everyone. I grew tired of working for a company who doesnt even care for their employees. A company who avoids confrontation. A company who cant explain the need of a sudden change. A company who expects their employees to be dumbed -- they want employees that dont think and just simply follow; like a shadow that would imitate everything that the man is doing. A company with too much politics in it.

This company started good because people are happy. Because they listen but now? Those people who used to listen tries to avoid you. Maybe thats how the business works. Maybe we are really failing. But why not go to the root cause of the problem instead of covering it up?

Well, enough... I dont want to rant about how bad I feel about the company cause I know people will read this and might react as well.

One Thing that I kept in mind, all these years: I have two choices: To leave or To Stay and right now, i know I'm about to leave because i dont want to lose my principle. I tried hard to swallow and closed my eyes to everything that is against my principle... but i cant stand it anymore.

For those people who has power: Learn to LISTEN to your subordinates; hear them out loud, they wont complain if they're satisfied or at least compromise with them so that both parties would benefit.

Listening is different from Hearing... and please have a process! A standard one. This is the company that i've worked with that has an organizational chart but the job description of each officer coincides or is either doing more or less than what is expected from them.

A friend once told me, a company that doesnt have a definite job decription means they are paid enough...
(so true :( ).

I'll just discuss more tonight...

A Dream that will Never Come True

2010-01-28T09:32:00.002+08:00

.... Walk me down the aisle daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy don't cry ....

Its a stanza from the song Butterfly Kisses.

I always dream of my dad walking me down the aisle on that special day, but i know, it wouldnt happen. Ever. Reality bites and its hurting me.

Im missing my dad. So Much. And yes, i admit, i'm a daddy's girl;

Daddy take me with you
I promise I'll be good
Daddy, this is next time
And momma said I could

Sittin' in the front seat ridin' down town
An icecream cone I'd rap him around
My little finger
Tighter than my baby could
You can make a tear go a long long way
When you're daddy's little girl

Well he tightened my bike chain from 7 to 13
Taught me to drive when I was a wild thing
Reached and he prayed while I made some mistakes
That I wouldn't have made if I'd have done it his way

Now he hugs me when he sees me
We talk about the past
He tries to give me money
And I try and give it back

He's a book of advice
More than I need
The look in his eyes is saying to me
Let me help you all I can
While I'm still in this world
What will you do when you're daddy's gone
And you're daddy's little girl

I know my dad always wanted the best for me, and right now, I can still remember the look in his eyes when I graduated in college. I remember how proud he was with me and my other siblings. I can remember the pain in his eyes whenever Im loosing path.

And What'll I do when my daddy's gone?

I cried. I cried too much and took me years before I accepted the fact that Daddy wont be there anymore...

I Love You Papa.

BUTTERFLY KISSES

2010-01-28T04:57:00.002+08:00

BUTTERFLY KISSES

Daddy take me with you
I promise I'll be good
Daddy, this is next time
And momma said I could

Sittin' in the front seat ridin' down town
An icecream cone I'd rap him around
My little finger
Tighter than my baby could
You can make a tear go a long long way
When you're daddy's little girl

Well he tightened my bike chain from 7 to 13
Taught me to drive when I was a wild thing
Reached and he prayed while I made some mistakes
That I wouldn't have made if I'd have done it his way

Now he hugs me when he sees me
We talk about the past
He tries to give me money
And I try and give it back

He's a book of advice
More than I need
The look in his eyes is saying to me
Let me help you all I can
While I'm still in this world
What will you do when you're daddy's gone
And you're daddy's little girl

Jeff Carson:
There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
And she's daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus
And I close my eyes
And I think God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all

For butterfly kisses
With her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair

Walk me down the aisle daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy don't cry
With all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning
And butterfly kisses for life

Faith Hill:
What'll I do when my daddy's gone
------------------------------
Butterfly Kisses
By: Bob Carlisle

There's two things I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven, and she’s daddy’s little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank God for all the joy in my life, But most of all...
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony daddy, it’s my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today.
She’s looking like her momma a little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings in a great big world. But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy, but if you don’t mind,
I’m only going to kiss you on cheek this time."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precise time.
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise, and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking, and I said, "I’m not sure,
I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over... and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it’s just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?" "Daddy don’t cry."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses.
I couldn’t ask God for more, man, this is what love is.
I know I’ve gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember

The Dream

2010-01-27T17:30:00.007+08:00

She prayed hard. She asked for signs. Signs that would lead her to the person that she would love forever, the one that is destined for her. She's hurting and it’s all because she thought she is in love. She wants to feel what Love is. She listens to music -- love songs. She read stories -- love stories; books about love and its magic. She watched movies and cried and feels good at the same time. Wondering and hoping one day she will find that special someone that would give her that special throbbing of the heart that she will spend the rest of her life with.

One night, she had a dream. It was her wedding day. But when the pastor asked them to kiss, she shouted and awaken. The man has no face. It’s only a silhouette. She then prayed that night and sleep again. The next morning she felt great.

On the back of her mind, she won’t tell anyone about that dream. She won’t tell how the place looks like but one thing is for sure, it’s not her dream wedding by the lake but she felt so comfortable, contented and happy.

Another dream. She was in some sort of a parking lot and she was waiting with some other people she will be working with. She notice this guy... she didn’t freaked out or something because everyone has a vivid face. And when she woke up, she knows that this would happen soon.

She had another dream. But this time, she was in a house doing laundry. She was with a man, - again a faceless man, she was talking to him. They were joking and playing. And she know deep in her heart -- this is the man she meant to be with forever.

The last two dreams are recurring. And it all stops... One day...

That fortunate day when she finally meets him; like the way in her dreams.

THE MEETING

2010-01-25T15:21:00.005+08:00

She is 20 that time. She just graduated from college and is enjoying her life. She is full of dreams. She has a lot of things in mind. She is just your typical lad in her twenties. She didn’t know what lies ahead but is willing to face everything. She’s someone simple. She’s not that pretty but people say she has expressive eyes. Her smile and the tinkle in her laughter make her attractive.

He is 26 that time. He is currently in a relationship and like any other guys, wanted some thrill. He is full of dreams and wants to achieve more in life. He is a typical guy in his late twenties. He didn’t know what lies ahead but he so thrilled to experience life. He’s simple yet has this x-factor. He’s not handsome but he is oozing with sex appeals. His eyes, his brows are the one that draws her near him.

Both of them didn’t know that one typical morning in that July of 2007, they will cross paths and destiny will play with their hearts; mind and even life. As the saying goes, no one knows what lies ahead through the course of our life. And both of them realize one thing. That typical morning, their lives will be changed.

July 2007

She feels that urge. She can say that something is about to happen. You can call her paranoid or strange but one thing she can prove is that her heart is beating beyond normal. She is an aspiring writer and maybe it’s overcritical but, she’s sure that this day will mark something; she is about to experience a life-changing situation and yes, she’s too excited for it.

He’s there. He saw her coming. She’s wearing jeans and shirts and she looks so ordinary. Her kinky hair was tied with a ponytail. He didn’t know what lies ahead but he felt that this gal will play a great part on his life.

The day went by. She’s not breathing normally. She survived the first day; or she thought… Upon entering the house, she is asked by the guys. She stopped for a little chit chat; anyways, they will be together for a couple of weeks; why not build friendship? He asked her for her number. And there it was; her heart is beating erratically. She asked for signs why she is feeling this, and then she remembered; the stranger in her dreams… And she knows; right there and then; she is about to meet the man that she will love forever.

You can call her as someone who is hopelessly romantically. She is your typical girl who loves to read romance; she loves to read almost everything but she is a fan of Nicholas Sparks. She hopes and dreams that someday; she will get her message in a bottle. She wished that someday; she can write her own notebook and will experience a walk to remember. She wants to have her 50 first date and she wants someone whom she can share her music and lyrics. She wants someone who will remain sleepless and someone she can call her own.

--- To be continued ---

SOON...

2010-01-22T11:30:00.001+08:00

I must say i wish everything was just like before when our love was so simple. when we really hide it cause our eyes shows how much in love we are with each other. But things changed and time changes us. and i really dont know what happened here.

I lost the glitter in my eyes - the love that was there... the stars are no longer bright... and its because a dark cloud came over us. Pain changes everyone. I tried to be tough and build walls around me when in fact its my heart i cant trust. I started despising my heart. I learned to shut her down. everytime, i would listen to my brain who reminds me how hurt i was before. -- and yes, i forgot how to feel the feeling...

but, i cant stay like this. I need to feel the feeling again. but it seems that, my heart turned into a monster since i hid her inside a wall. she cant feel anything, and i needed help.

Good thing is that, the Old Rem never left my side, she was there waiting to be recognized. Old rem helped my heart to heal and turn back into the loving heart she is. But the walls are still strong and its me who can break it up. I dont know how but i will find a way...

I need to break away and learn how to feel the feeling again. My mind needs to forget how hurt I was and my heart needs to get the feeling again...and i hope it would be soon.
Old Rem Promised that she'll help me. and i know, i will be able to get through this and me and old rem will be one again...

One day, my eyes will shine like the night stars -- it will reflect the love that i have for my man once more... one day, i will able to remove the walls that i built and start building our dreams together. and that one day will start now.

I love you bee, i will do everything to make you happy... You're my life.

DEJAVU

2010-01-05T18:02:00.001+08:00

Tsk… Tsk… natutuwa naman ako. Para kaming sira ni Jed habang magkatext. Kung ano-ano na naman napaguusapan naming. Nakakatawa. At para siyang dejavu.

2 years ago, month of april. Niyaya niya ako magpakasal.

Malapit na ding makaalis sila Momi Menchie at Tictac nun papuntang US. Next silang 2 ni JP. Malapit na naman ang camp nun. Mas malaki pera naming na darating since mga Head Teachers kami. Sabi nga ni Leslie. Mas may tiwala sa akin kasi alam nyang pde niyang iwan sa akin ang responsibilidad. Nakakatawa ang mga plano naming nun. Plinano namin ni Jed na pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng Camp. The time na dumating kami ng Manila, tutuloy kami sa Palawan. Magcecelebrate. Kaming 2 lang.. for sure naman, mageenjoy kami.

Sinabi ko sa barkada na nagsabi na si Jed. Nde maganda ang dating sa kanila ng balita. Nagulat ako ng tinanong ako ni tata, Rem, natatandaan mo ba yung Imee? Sabi ko, oo. Sinabi sa akin ni tata na buntis daw si Imee at si Jed ang tatay.

Shock, numb, nde ko alam kung pano ako nagreact that time. Nasa boso boso kami nun.kaming 5, ako, si rox, si les, si jon at si Tata. Si jed lang ang wala. Kaya nagulat ako. Sinabi ni tata na magkasama daw si Imee at si Jed that time.

Ang sakit nun. Sabi nila, umiyak na daw ako, pero wala kaseng pdeng makapagbago ng isip ko. Sabi ko, kakausapin ko muna si Jed. Nilapitan ako ni Roxie. Sabi nya, “sis, sige kausapin mo si jed, pero nde sya basta basta aamin sayo. Mahal ka nun eh.:

Nagusap kami ni Jed. Tinanong ko siya. Nde daw. At if ever man daw na totoo yun, magpapakasal pa din kami at itutuloy lahat ng plano. Papanagutan daw niya yung bata pero nde nya papakasalan si Imee. Dahil ako ang gusto niya. Naniwala ako. Nagtiwala ako.

June 8. Masyado na akong maraming naririnig. Masyado nang nagugulo ang tahimik kong mundo. Nagusap kami. Nde pa din siya umaamin kahit alam ko na ang totoo,. Ang gusto ko lang naman aminin nya na nabuntis nya ang babaeng yun. Nde niya ginagawa. Nakakainis na. Umuwi ako ng Aklan para makapagisip at makapagdecide. Bumalik ako ng June 28.

July. Camp na. Wala siya sa terminal ng genesis. Sabay sabay daw ang dating ng Taytay Boys. After lunch na. Dumating siya. Kinumusta ako. Pero cold ang bati ko. After nun, nagusap kami. Sabi ko, kelangang ayusin niya ang buhay nya. Ayoko ng Complications. Gusto ko ng maayos na buhay. Lie low muna kami.

Nde ako nagging Masaya sa camp na to. Malapit na yung birthday nya nung umamin siyang buntis nga si Imee at siya ang ama. Ang sakit sakit, nde kami nagusap ng ilang araw. Nagiinom ako nun every night, nagpapakalasing.

3^rd day, nde sya nakatiis, kinausap nya ako, ayusin ko daw sarili ko. Sabi ko inaayos ko ang sarili ko. Oo nagiinom ako kasi gusto kong makatulog at makalimot. That time, naghiwalay na din kami. Sabi ko, kelangan nyang panagutan yung bata.

Break up… masakit sa akin at nahirapan ako. Pero andun si Leslie to assist me. natapos ko ang Camp ng maayos. Nakuha ang sweldo ko. Umalis ako magisa. Nagbakasyon ako magisa. Nde natuloy ang Palawan. Nde natuloy ang kasal. At nde na ako nakipagkita pa sa Taytay boys. Si roxie, twice lang kami nagkita after nun.

Wala pa akong balak magtrabaho nun. Aksidente nga lang na napunta akodito sa NCO. Si Eddie yung magaapply sa Job fair nun kaya lang ayun, binigyan ako ng form at nagexam ako. Pumasa ako. Pati sa interview. Nagsign ako ng contract. Shit! Me trabaho na naman ako… problema, nakaoo ako nun ke kuya Ron sa events.

Product Training, lagi akong tulog for 5 days kase 9pm-6pm ang training, 10-am-5pm nasa batangas ako para sa events. Mabait lang trainor ko nun.. hahaha. Pumasa ako.. the rest is history. Kung taga NCO Xbox ka. Alam mo na ang mga sumunod na nangyari.

February 20, 2009. Birthday ni Leslie. Tinawagan ko siya at binati. Ayun. Nagulat ako ng sabihan nya ako na, napapariwara ako. Nagmsg ako sa FS nya. March 6, nagtext si Jed. Nagulat ako. Nde ako naniniwalang siya yung nagtetext sa akin. Nagusap kami. Kinumusta nya ako. Nagkuwentuhan sa text. After 2 years saka ko lang nalaman na namatay pala ang baby nila ni Imee. 3 days old lang si Baby Gab, nalungkot ako.

March 12. Nagkita kami. And it seems im back in time... 2 years ago, iba yung pakiramdam ko when I look into his eyes. I see a lonely man inside. Sinabi nya na namiss nya ako. Oo namiss ko din sya. Sobrang namiss. And the moment I laid my eyes on him I realized how much I love this guy. The moment na niyakap nya ako, nde ko na napigilang umiyak at humingi ng sorry. Nagsorry din sya. And that moment, we know, we’re both back in each others arms.

Nagusap kami at sinabi nyang pupunta kami ng Palawan. Pero kasama sila leslie. And he promised me that he will make it extra special.

Masaya ako. Lahat ng pangarap ko natutupad na. Masaya ako kase andito na uli si Jed. At Masaya ako kasi inaayos na nya lahat ng complications sa buhay niya. Masaya ako kase naayos ko na din ang buhay ko.

One step at a time kami ngayon. Starting a new beginning. Getting to know each other uli. Madaming nagbago sa amin. And ito kami ngayon. Masaya. One day at a time. Soon, makakarating din kami dun… J

This time, I wont let him go. Now I know, the real meaning of Faith. And its about time. Bilog ang mundo… J

JEd 5.23.2009

2010-01-05T18:00:00.000+08:00

Well, there are a lot of things that puzzles me. And amaze me at the same time.

Jed was not himself lately. Gone was the confident man I was once knew. He seems to be in deep thought. Jealousy eating him up and I don’t know why. I cant seem to understand why.

Before, ako kasi yung praning. Ako yung nagseselos at ako yung tumatahimik bigla. Pero ngayon parang nagbaligtad. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero naguguluhan ako sa takbo ng utak nya.

Ako na ngayon yung confident. Ako na positive thinker sa amin na kahit anong mangyari kami na talaga. Na kahit anong mangyari hindi na kami magkakahiwalay ulit.

Si jed ang ganun dati. Si jed ang nagpapakalma sa akin. Pero ngayon ako ang gumagawa nun (sana lang kumakalma sya).

Nde ko alam kung matutuwa ako or matataranta. Pero alam ko dapat ko syang hayaan to find himself. And to fixed himself. Mahal ako nun and I know for sure he wont leave me.

Maybe that’s it. I’m confident that he wont leave me no matter what. Why? If he was able to accept me after all that happened to me? That’s something that I need to hold on to. After kong magpaalam sa kanya noon, after ng camp, naghibernate ako. Uprooted myself from the prairie were we both belong and planted myself on a new land, bloomed and blossomed, lived and shared a life with someone else. Maybe, he’s thinking, if I have done it once, I could do it again…

Maybe I can but I chose to stay with him and I will be staying with him for the rest of my life, till my dying breath. Alam nya yan.

Sya ang kaisa-isahang lalaking gusto kong makasama habang buhay. Siya ang kaisa-isahang lalaki na mamahalin ko and he’s the only guy that can give me everything. He filled me with happiness and contentment. And being with him is all I ask for.

He’s my dream and prayer come true. The epitome of my ideal man. The stranger in my dream.

We’ll be seeing each other again this week.

He wished that it would be like before where we are on the same place, seeing each other every day, spending each night together, chattering, dreaming. But its not. I chose a different path and it much better cause he is missing me terribly… (peace tayo, mahal ko! J)

If you can read this jed, then don’t be afraid or don’t let negative emotions bury you down. I’m here for you and I’m always yours. I’ve always been yours. Even those times that I’m not with you. You’re still the man I want to be with. Remember? I vow to love you till my dying breath. I love you.

Jed 5.26.2009

2010-01-05T17:59:00.000+08:00

I know you’re going through a rough time right now. You’re thinking that I don’t get your point, but I do. Maybe, I want you to stop thinking that way. I don’t want you to feel that way but I can’t help it. You’re entitled to every emotion that you feel.

I know how much you love me. I have no doubt in that. I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. I know you’re not that type of person who says things. You show them. I feel and I believe in your love.

Maybe I don’t really understand you that much. I just don’t want you to live in your “What if’s”. I told you before. Everything happens for a reason and every decision we make comes a consequence that we need to face.

We were separated for 2 years. It was my decision. I broke up with you for the reasons you know. You seen me hurting and in pain. And yes, you tried talking me out of it. I didn’t listen. I choose not to listen and not to believe you that time. I have every right that was my decision. You tried reaching out to me while we are still together in Bataan but I closed myself. I made myself look busy and told you that there’s nothing we should be talking about. I choose that. You choose to let me be.

I left. I hide. I hibernate. You can still find if you really want. I believe that you did your part. I believe that you tried hard to reach for me. You keep yourself updated with what is happening in my life. You know you can call me through my mobile phone. You can meet me at home. You can send me message through FS or through my email. But did you do that? No, because you thought that I was happy with my life. And I know how much my happiness means to you. You keep silent all those years that we’re apart. While I’m silently praying, in my sleep and in my dreams that you will come back and picked me up. But you never did.

I could have done the same thing. I can send you an email. I can call you. I can reach you through Jon or Les or Roxie. I can come over to your house to talk to you but I choose not to. Why? It was because of pride. Because I’m thinking that if you really love me, you should be the one looking for me. You should come to me. And I forgot that if I love you, I should do whatever it takes to get to you again. But my pride eats me up. And I was scared to know what lies ahead. I keep on wondering.

Honestly, I was surprised when you send me a message in my FS. When you texted me. It was an answered prayer. And I feel so great. When I first I saw you again, after two years, I was really afraid. And I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid to look back through that pair of dark eyes that I long so much to see again. I’m afraid that you might see the emotions deep inside of me. That my eyes might gave me up. And it did give me up. But it was such a relief because that moment, I finally got back home. I was right home. Back in your loving arms. I finally got back the missing piece of my life. I started to dream again and I was right back on track. I know from that from point on, the answer to the question: what do you really want in your life. The answer is to live my life with the one person I truly love. I got all my answers in one night. And from that night on, I started my life again. I’m finally happy again. I’m really happy.

I’m just afraid of what is happening with you. You keep things to yourself. Yeah, you’re right to believe that, “What you don’t know, wont hurt you” and I know you don’t want to crash and burn. I know there are things that you want to ask me, but you’re afraid of the answers that I might give you.

I know you’re still the jealous guy I once knew. I know you want me to keep by yourself. But you also know that you can’t keep me with you that way. You know that you need to let me grow on my own. To be known as REM ROSE. I know you trust but you don’t trust yourself. I know how much you want me close but I choose not to. I want to be with you but I want to keep myself. I want you to be Jerrold, to be Jed. And I want me to be me. And I want us to us. I believe that we can’t be US not unless we are both REM and JED.

It’s been a long time. A lot of things have changed. You changed. I changed. But we’re going to make it. I love you so much and it was always been you.

Non dang sin eul sarangheyo, nayi agi!

Bataan Escapades

2010-01-05T17:58:00.000+08:00

Umalis kami ng barkada ko last May 16-17, 2009. Originally ang usapan eh, magkita kita dapat kami ng 3:00AM. Kaya lang may mga bagay na nde inaasahan na nangyari. Ayun, si Tin tin kasi nahold sa office ng bitag kase biglang bago ng isip yung boss nya… biglang nagrush editing si Tin. So yung 3:00am naging 5:30am…

Naunang dumating si annie. Katapos ko lang maligo ng sabihin nyang, nasa meeting place na sya sa cubao. Mamaya daw dumating na si Ninya. Mga banding 6am, dumating ako… so mayabang kaming 3 kase maaga kami kahit late pa kaming dumating. Hehehe…

Syempre kawawa ang pinakalate na dumating. Lagi namang ganun eh.., super mega dinikdik yung pinakalate… tradisyon na yun ng grupo… mga quarter to 7 ata dumating si ninja…. Syempre… nadikdik din sya… eh, si Tin tin ang pinakalate… so, ayun, nadikdik na naman sya…. Hahahaha….

Nakaalis kami ng manila, around 8am… dun na kami sa pinakadulo ng bus naupo… sakto kaming lima… ako nasa may bintana, katabi ko si ninja. Si tin tin sa gitna tas si ninya at si annie yung nasa kabilang bintana.

Since late na kami nakaalis. Nde na naming nagawa yung planong sorpresahin ang mga tao sa bataan. Ayun, tinext din naming si mama ghie. Nagpasundo kami tuloy. Hehehe… J

Ang saya saya… kaya lang, nde talaga naiiwasan yung tampuhan ng mga tao sa bataan. Nagdamdam sila nanay beak at tatay macoy. Tas inaasar pa ni mama ghie. Hainaku. Pero Masaya yung kabuuan ng lakad.

Unang araw. Kina nanay beak kami kumain ng tanghalian. Daing na bangus ang ulam. Hehehe. Nakatulog kami hanggang hapon. Nagising kami, tapos nanood ng boys over flowers… J naalala naming yung lokohan nung college na barkadang f4 ang barkada namin, kami kasi yung makukulit na barkada. Unlike ng iba, na puro mga gimikera, nde din kami yung barkadang matatalino na laging me study group. Kami yung outgoing na barkada. Mahilig umakyat sa bundok, mahilig sa mga volunteer work. Pero kami ang pinakaclose sa iba pang mga barkada. Since kami ang makukulit, at kami din daw yung bully though me nambubully din sa amin…. Kami pa din ang mango tango.

Wag nyo na itanong kung bakit mango tango… nde ko alam kung san nanggaling yan. Pero mukhang Masaya at nakasanayan na namin yun pangalan hanggang sa yun na yung tawag sa amin… hai…

Masaya naman ang buhay… so mabalik tayo sa bataan. Nung gabi kelangan naming dumalaw kina mama ghie. Actually dun talaga kami matutulog. Naghapunan kami at sinabing, gusto naming umakyat sa natib… open na daw uli eh… so, nagplano kami na magkikita ng 530am sa bahay nila annie… hulaan nyo kung anong nangyari?

Ayun, late na naman. Yung 530 naging 630am…hahaha. So nagalmusal kami. Parang ang sarap ng tuyo sa probinsiya no? nagtampo si nanay beka… kase nagluto uli sya ng almusal. Eh, busog na busog pa kami saka gusto naming makaakyat ng maaga… ayun…

Nde kami natuloy sa natib kase late na… malamang tanghali na kami dumating dun di ba? So sa ilog ng orani kami napunta… (sayang wala pa yung mga pix) nakakatuwa kase me mga hagdan na yung trek… madali yung pababa… naguunahan pa nga kami eh…. Pagdating sa ilog… gandang ganda kami sa ilog. Ang linaw ng tubig tapos sobrang lamig. Yung dala tuloy naming softdrinks, inilagay naming sa ilalim ng bato.. instant freezer… hehehe

Naglangoy kami ng naglangoy hanggang mapagod. Nang magutom, kumain kami. Nang nabusog naligo uli. Tas pinakain uli kami. Tanghalian na yun. Sardinas ung ulam… ang sarap nga nya… iba talaga kapag libre… hehehe

Pagakyat namin, Ayun. Naguunahan kami nila ninya at ani at nja… ewan ko ba… adik kami eh… ang sarap kase ng pakiramdam na nauuna ka… hahaha…. Ano pa ba? Ayun… si tin nagtampo at nagself pity kase feeling nya hinang hina sya… hahaha… (tin, alam mo naman yung kaadikan natin di ba?) so pagdating sa taas, nagmamalaki kami…. Hahaha…. J

Tapos…dumaan kami kina nanay beka.. at since nakaluto na sya, at nahiya naman kami, kumain uli kami.. adobong manok ang ulam… (bawal sa akin yun kahit yung sardinas) pero kumain pa din ako… nakakahiya kase eh… so ayun.. nananghalian kami. Pagkatapos nun konting pahinga para maghanda sa pagpunta sa bahay nila ma ghie.. andun kase yung gamit naming eh…

Pagdating kina ma ghie, natuyuan na yung mga damit naming… ayun… ang saya… nagbanlaw kami tas naghanda na pauwi. Pareho pareho ang reaction ng mga taga doon. Bakit daw saglit lang kami. Gustuhin man namin na magtagal nde pde kase me mga pasok pa kami. Saka kelangan kong umuwi me entrance exam ako eh. Tas yun, umuwi na nga kami pero, kelangan pa din naming kumain kina ma ghie… wah… naka-apat na pananghalian kami…

Umuwi kami. Si Tin nilagnat. Tulog kami lahat sa bus. Sa cubao na kami naghiwa-hiwalay. Si annie sa kamachile bumaba, naiwan si ninja kase sa ortigas or shaw ata sya baba….

Iba yung experience. Masayang makasama ang barkada ko. Namiss naming ang isa’t isa. Namiss ko yung mga ganitong lakad. Nakakamiss talaga. Narealize namin na madaming nagbago sa amin. Iba nay un takbo ng utak namin though andun pa din yung kakulitan, mejo seryoso na kami ngayon. Nakaset yung mga priorities pero may time pa din kami para sa isa’t isa.

Hai… J sa ngayon, eto nagpaplano kami ng susunod na lakad… J excited na ako….

Namimiss ko ang probinisya

2010-01-05T17:54:00.001+08:00

I’m a traveler by heart. I love going to places. I love meeting people, learning their way of living. I love spending time under the trees, swimming in the rivers or seas, running in the rice fields, and simply lying in the grass or spending time inside a nipa hut.

My mom is from Leyte. I’ve been there only once. I guess I was in 4^th year high school then… no, I’ve in my first year college that time when I spent my Christmas vacation with my balikbayan aunt (my mother’s youngest sister)

Maganda ang lugar pero nde siya nakakastarstruck. Boring. Super boring. Siguro kase wala akong kakilala. O dahil naiinis ako kapag ang daming daming bumibisita sa akin na nde ko kilala at nde ko alam yung mga pinagsasabi nila. (nakakainis kasi…nde ko masyado maintindihan yung dialect nila… kase yung alam kong salita sa aklanon, iba pala ibig sabihin sa kanila…)

Ang nakakainis pa nun. Binilhan lang ako ng ticket tas binigyan lang ako ng 1500 na pera para makauwi. Wah. Mag-isa ako tas since rush na yung byahe kase karamihan nagmamadaling makauwi, trucking na lang ang available. Huhuhu… wala kaseng barko.. either by land or air lang. wala ng available seats sa eroplano kaya no choice ako… land trip ako… 17-20 hours yung byahe. Nde ako masyado nakakain sa byahe. Nde din ako nakatulog. Huhuhuh.. ang dami ko pang bitbit. Isang backpack na damit saka mga prutas. Pagdating sa pasay station ng philtranco, nagtaxi na ako hanggang bahay. Nakakaiyak. Nde ako natuwa sa lugar. Nalungkot ako. Nde ko naenjoy ang dagat kase medyo madumi saka ayaw pumayag ni Auntie baka daw alunin ako. Pacific ocean na kasi yun eh.

My dad is from Aklan. I’ve been there almost every summer vacation that I have when I was younger. The last time that I went there was 2 years ago for my dad’s burial.(Sad na naman tuloy ako…)

I love my dad’s place. I love the antique house. I love the ricefields. I love the food, the beach, the trees, the plaza and the school grounds. Every month of May, lagi ako kasali sa Santa Cruzan simula pa noong bata ako. Ang mananahi ko si Auntie Lily. Yung tita ni Rio. Lima kaming magkakaibigan. Ako, si Le-an na pinsan ko, si Bhye na katabing bahay naming saka yung kapatid nya na si Mel, saka si Rio na katapat bahay namin.

Ewan ko pero pasaway daw kami. Lagi kaming nasa likod bahay nila Rio. Namimingwit ng talangka sa ilog. Promise, talangka yung andun. Me mga isda pero maliliit lang. tas pag nakahuli na kami. Maglalaro na kami ng lutu-lutuan. Napalo ako nun ng ako yung nautusang bumili ng gas. Huhuhu… L nde pde maligo sa ilog dun kasi madumi saka medyo malakas yung agos.

Pero kapag sobrang init na ng summer, magkakayaan kaming magpipinsan na pumunta ng dagat. Sa navitas kami lagi. 2-3 tricycle yung sasakyan namin, wla ng pagkain pagkain… tinapay lang na kinuha naming sa panaderya nila mel. Hindi naman kami pinapagalitan eh. Tas nde na din kami nagdadala ng tuwalya or pamalit. Malapit lang kasi yung dagat eh. Ehehehe

Naalala ko pa yung huli kong ligo sa dagat. Kasama pa naming nun si papa ko. Para syang butanding na naglalangoy at madaya sya kase kami ayaw nyang papuntahin sa malalim. Nasa may baybay lang kami. Yun yung huli kong ligo pero nde yun ang huli kong punta dun. Huli kong punta dun eh yung pagkatapos ng libing ni papa, buo kaming magkakapatid, kasama si mama saka sila auntie virgie, ate joy, yung 2 kong pamangkin sa pinsan, si kuya eric, nde ako naligo kasi nalulungkot ako kasi parang nakikita ko si Papa na naglalangoy sa dagat. Late masyado kasi yung reaction ko. Sa mismong libing na ako nakaiyak habang ako yung nagpapasalamat sa simbahan. Dun pumasok sa utak ko na wala na talaga si papa ko.

Anyways, madaming magagandang alaala yung bahay nila papa sa aklan. Madami pa akong dapat asikasuhin dun. Ako yung kelangang magayos ng property naming eh, sana one of these days, makauwi ako dun para maayos ko yung dapat ayusin.

Gusto kong pumunta kina Uncle Jim sa Cebu saka Kina Uncle Than sa Bicol. Magagawa ko yun. Baka next year. Masaya naman ako kahit nde na ako masyado nakakauwi ng Aklan kasi madami pa akong lugar na napupuntahan.

Nakarating na ako ng Pampanga, bulacan, Bataan at Zambales. Sa bataan, me bahay akong tinutuluyan dun. At balak naming magbabarkada (mango tango) na bumili ng lupa para sa amin.. hehehe.

Mas lalo na sa Rizal, pero parang city na din kase yun eh, pero may mga ilang part pa na nde naabot ng technology. Isa na dun yung Daraitan. At natuwa naman ako sa pagsakay sa Habal-habal.

Nakarating na din ako ng Laguna at Mindoro. Babalikan ko ang Palawan. At one of this days, makakaakyat kami sa Sagada.

Pasalamat na lang din ako kasi si Jed mahilig sa Outdoors, nakarating ako ng Cavite at Batangas, isang bundok lang pala ang pagitan nila. From Cavite umakyat kami sa Piko de Loro at pagbaba naming nasa Batangas na kami. Ang sarap magswimming sa dagat, at ang sarap tumawid ng China Sea na ang gamit mo eh bangkang de sagwan…

Ang sarap kumain ng corn meal. Giniling na mais na sinangag yun. Masarap maglaro sa pilapil. Masarap manghuli ng kuhol sa mga palay.at masakit kapag nakagat ka ng langgam or ng hantik. Masarap sumakay sa kabayo kahit wala kang saddle. Masarap umangkas sa kalabaw. At masarap manggatas ng baka kahit sablay yung gawa ko. Masarap manguha ng itlog mula sa pugad ng manok at masakit sila manuka. Masakit mapalo kapag naglunoy ka patubigan para manghuli ng dalag o manghabol ng mga pato. Ang gansa ay nanghahabol kapag nagalit. Ang gandang panoorin ng baboy na nanganganak at kelangan palang putulan agad ng ngipin ang mga biik paglabas pa lang nila ng tyan ng nanay nila. Masarap at makati ang paghahabas (pamimitas ng mga prutas o gulay) at masakit sa tyan ang usok ng sinunog na dayami.

Simple lang ang buhay sa probinsiya. Nde ka magugutom pero mabagal ang araw dun. At alam ko nde ako mabubuhay ng matagal dun. Hanggang pagbabakasyon lang ang pde sa akin dun. One of these days, makakarating din ako ng La Union, at makakabalik sa Cagayan de Oro (kuya hani, mayor ka na ba sa Cagayan?) oi, Alvin, kelan tayo uuwi ng Nueva Ecija? Jed, yung Palawan trip natin? Tay Les, uwi tayo sa inyo… Dave, tara, mukhang Malabo yung kina Les eh.

Madami pa akong pupuntahan dito sa Pilipinas. Kapag napuntahan ko yung mga gusto ko, saka ako lalabas ng bansa. Promise yan.

FAITH 4.1.2009

2010-01-05T17:52:00.000+08:00

Ilang araw na akong ganito. Low Self Esteem na naman, bakit kaya? Siguro dahil malapit na ang monthly period ko.

Maybe not. Maybe this is happening for a reason.

Everything has its own reason. Sabe ko nga ke Jed. Everything that had happened in the past is because of reasons. So there, we have managed to find out the reason why we need to broke up that time.

I’m too young then, I’m to idealistic. I’m full of pride, I’m thinking of what others might say. And most of all, I believe it’s the right thing to do. I told him that I can’t be a mother of someone else’s child. That thing already is in the past right now. All that matters right now is what we have today.

I’ve missed him and I realized that I really love him. that I do care for him. that, no matter where I am, where I’ll ever be, I’ll love him. and he knows that. We both need time to settle things. Our own complications then, we can be together forever.

Complications never depart our relationship. I need to trust him more this time. FAITH. And this time, I know, he is doing the right thing as well. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way. And I need to trust his heart.

Roxie, I hope you’re right.

Oh, Jed… You’re still the stranger on that corner. And I’m still the same me, running toward that corner.

Sigh.

My Dream Wedding

2010-01-05T17:46:00.000+08:00

I was wearing pearl earrings today when Eon told me not to wear pearl earrings on my wedding. I told her I don’t have any plans of doing so because I want to wear a set of white gold jewelry with a dolphin design on it. I was just actually joking but my mind was already creating an image of my dream wedding… (DAMN!)

Honestly, I don’t have any dream wedding cause I don’t want to get married. But when Jed comes back, I came back to the point that this is the man I want to spend my whole life with and this is the only man I want to marry. And, any kind of wedding will do. A simple civil wedding is enough for me. anything that he can offer me cause having him is actually more than enough. As the song goes, I really couldn’t ask for more… J

But they told me, every woman dreamt of her wedding day as special it can be. And that happens to me right now. Damn… but I think I’m just being a normal girl. a girl that dreams. A girl who believes. So let me share my dream wedding to you…

Again, I really want a simple wedding. A solemn one, just family and few chosen friends. I want a beach wedding or rather a wedding in the lake. (para maiba lang) or basta sa ibabaw sya ng tubig. A civil wedding it is. Me, jed, and the judge will be at a big raft with post full of flowers. Blue Holland tulips (my favorite!) and of course yellow and blue. (that would be motif!)

Gusto ko, me entourage pa din ako. Since wala na si papa, si jun-jun na lang yung magsasagwan para sa akin papunta dun sa raft na pagganapan ng wedding. The wedding itself will happen at a certain date, late afternoon. Kelangan sakto na na inaanounce ng judge na husband and wife kami eh, nagmeet na ang sun at waves sa horizon. Then syempre pa, me dalawang dolphin na tatalon na magmemeet at magkikiss sa ere. At syempre pa dami-daming pictures…

So when it comes to family and friends, kumpleto dapat ang mango tango. Saka taytay boys. Yun lang, ang reception? Somewhere near the place tas since gabi na sya. Ihaw party to… with lots of beers… hahaha J

Wedding Dress? It’s a simple below the knee dress na flowing tas me blue and yellow, ill draw it later paguwi… J

Yun lang. ganun lang sya kasimple. J

A dream of My Dad 2.13.2009

2010-01-05T17:37:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wondered what is beyond that horizon?
I dreamed of my dad last night. I can’t forget the feeling the way he hold me close to him. I wished I had that hug for real. Its such a comforting one.

In my dream, I should be going some place but my dad won’t allow me, he said to me that he’ll accompany me to the place. I don’t know where I am, I was in a temple where everyone should wear all red. Annie was there and then I feel the need to pee. I peed and my father was still outside the comfort room. He didn’t leave me then he took me by the hand and we walk through a path.

We are then sitting on a bench; I was hugging my dad, its feels like I’m a little girl again. I’m happy, so happy and contented staying there with my dad. Then he asked me, “Neng, alam mo ba kung ano pa ang nasa dako pa doon?” (Have you ever wondered what is beyond there?”) While pointing to a beautiful horizon, mixtures of blue, pink and orange are in the sky. I’m not sure if it’s a sunset but it’s very beautiful.

I answered, “No, but I want to know.”
He said, that’s what lies ahead in your life. No matter how painful it can be, you need to be strong. I will still be with you.. I love you ’nak.

Then Jam, wakes me up.
And I feel lighter today, its like I can be anyone I want to be and I can do whatever I want.
My dad really loves me and I will be his little girl no matter what…
I love him so much…

QUOTES

2010-01-05T17:30:00.000+08:00

You can shed tears that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone, or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” Neil Gaiman quote

“Sometimes questions are more important than answers.”

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -- Nelson Madela

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.
-Blaine Lee, The Power Principle

For MY ANGEL

2010-01-05T17:23:00.000+08:00

WHAT YOU ARE TO ME

To be honest, I dont know you… The Real YOU

I barely know details about you, but then i dont care

For what you are to me is enough

You are a gift sent from up above

a heaven’s grace to me

You are a curse from down below

a hell’s promise to me

You are my joy, my smiles and laughters

You are my agony, my pain and tears

You are my perfect world filled with love and happiness

You are my destruction filled with hatred and sadness

You are my greatest fan

the one who believes I can make it

You are my my greatest critic

the one who thinks"its worth a try"

You are my best pal, my supporter

You are my worst enemy, my worst downer

You are my coach and mentor

You pushes me to extend my limits

and to reach the top of the world

You are my daredevil and challenger

you put that jail of barrier in me

and pull me deep down to the earth’s core

You are my greatest courage

the roots of my bravery

You are my greatest fear

the cause of all my nightmares

You are my strength, my force and energy

You are my weakness, my stress and sickness

You are my pensieve who reflects my virtues

You are my mirror who retracts my flaws

You are my sunrise and sunset

my day and night, my sun and moon

my waking and sleeping moments

my sweetness and bitterness

my pro’s and con’s

the positive and negative ions in me

my success and failures

my ups and downs

my secretkeeper and intriguer

my very soul an very heart

my every dream and fetish

my goals and obsessions

my ideals and thinking

my every word, every phrase, my sentence and paragraph

my poems,essays, stories and novels

my every sound and noise

my breath of life and death

my all and my everything

YOU ARE THE EVERY LITTLE PART OF ME

AND TO ME YOU ARE MY ANGEL

Im going home soon (12/22/2008)

2010-01-05T17:14:00.003+08:00

I know, I’ve made a lot of choices, I know, I’ve made a lot of mistakes but you can’t tell me to grow up or to change. I’m me and it’s not that I’m not growing up. It’s how I deal with my own issues. Sad that it was you who became my sounding board. What’s the use of me writing down everything when you just read it without my permission?

All those things are supposed to be mine, alone but that never happens when I’m with you. You just read them all. And I decide, to just let it out, to speak all about it… and what happens now?

You’ve read my life. You’ve read me, but still, you can’t understand me. Yeah, maybe my life is full of drama, even tragedy. Tell me now, is it wrong to think like a child sometimes when I feel so weak and nowhere to run.

You’ve opened out when it should just be me alone.
It should be mine. It should be.

I lost my world, when I start renting. I simply gave up my room so that I can reach outside of my own dark world. It’s just a room, and I have my own sacred secret life with me. And then, someone open it. Someone not allowed to.

It should be mine. And now, I feel like I’m naked. I feel so weak, so cold.

And no one there’s for me.

I want my old life back but I know that’s impossible.
Is it okay to ask to have my refuge back?

There’s no turning back though, I can’t go back.
I must go forward and continue my journey, and on my way, ill pick up all my shattered pieces.

As the song goes, it will be a long journey and I will find my way home again.

Soon.
12/22/2008

ROXIE TADEJA

2009-12-18T15:18:00.000+08:00

Roxie. Foxy. I really don’t know the meaning of foxy but I guess that’s the perfect word to describe her. Not only because it rhymes with have her name but I found it cute. J

Roxie? She’s a friend and a sister to me at the same time. I never expected that our friendship will flourish to what it is right now but I’m so thankful because of that. People can find her intimidating at times. I mean, if you don’t know her or if you’ll be seeing her first time, you’ll be intimated about her. She has this air of attitude that says; “hey, I’m the boss here” but no, she’s not bossy. She won’t even ask for help even if she needed it when it comes to work. She tends to hide it to herself and try to resolve any issues on her own.

She’s someone so sweet. The boys in the camp can also attest to that. She’s caring and very motherly. By the way, she‘s the mother of a wonderful girl name Neve. She has her own set of ups and down that made her who she is right now. She’s a tough lady with a big big heart.

People find her sexy. We’ll no doubt about that. For beauty and sexiness doesn’t mean you have the loveliest face or the most beautiful body; Roxie says she’s fat and big, but for me, I find her sexy. There’s something in her that makes her sexy. Maybe the way she smiles and the way her eyebrow arches at times. Or the way she taps her fingers. And maybe because she is simply who she is.

Yeah, I was intimidated with her before but we’ve past that stage. I know I’ve given her a lot of headaches before. She’s right, she doesn’t like what I’m doing but she loves the person more. And that what makes her special to me. She may not understand me at times but she lets me be me. No questions asked. She’s always there for me. She’s more than a friend. She’s a sister to me. A sister who without any hesitation will tell me that what I’m doing is wrong; a sister who can give me a slap if needed but will also tap my back at the same time. A sister that will say everything is fine when you’re feeling blue. A sister who have a kind heart that shed tears and will cry with you if you need someone to cry with. A sister that will run through the rain and do crazy things with you and a sister that will remind you to stop. A sister with never ending love…

I may not have said it directly, but sis, I owe you so much and thank you for being that someone I can run to when everything’s going wrong. Thank you for being that someone that I can share my crazy ideas and stupidest acts with and thank you for reminding me to stay on track. Thank you for being you and for letting me be me… I love you Sis! Or Mother (sabi ni Leslie) any how, I love you for who you are.

CHAPTER 3: Sa Isla ng Talim; isla ng walang kasiguraduhan

2009-12-10T09:56:00.000+08:00

ilang buwan ang lumipas. September, October, November. tatlong buwan ang natapos. hindi ko inaasahan na magtetext si roxie sa akin. Ang alam ko kasi naiinis sa akin si roxie dahil sa mga kasalanan ko sa kanya noong nakaraang camp. May parang gathering daw ang mga teachers. Fiesta kina teacher connie; nagimbita. Nagdecide akong sumama. anticipating na magkikita kami. Wondering how should i act infront of them, infront of him. at higit sa lahat- tinanong ko ang sarili ko if i'm really over him. And the usual adventurous me. I was diving into it, Bahala na- Que cera cera.Overnight daw yun. So nagdala ako ng gamit; something enough for me to survive the night. Nagkita kita kami sa tropical nila roxie. Andun na sila Ate Janet; Roxie, Vangie at iba pa. Surprisingly, malapit naman sila sa akin - no judgement. wala akong narinig na kung ano man. puro pangungumusta. Siguro nga namiss namin ang bawat isa. Kuwentuhan. Kulitan habang nasa dyip. Bumaba kami sa may caltex ba o petron yun. Sabi ni roxie, dadaanan daw namin ang "da boys"

Kabado na ako. alam mo yung sound effects sa mga horror films kapag alam mo na may mangyayaring hindi maganda; ganung ganung yung tibok ng puso ko... nagrarambol ika nga. Maya maya pa, nakita na namin yung tatlo. Si Leslie, Jon and Jed. oh my, ang gwapo nya. Nagpakalbo si Jed. simpleng ngiti lang ang bati ko sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung paano kikilos. Hindi ko alam kung pano yung tamang pagbating dapat gawin. Naririnig ko yung puso ko. Nakakainis. Nanlalamig din yung kamay ko. Its hard ignoring his presence. Kuwentuhan. Kulitan. Pero hindi nya ako masyadong binabati. I tend to ignore him as well and reminded myself, i cannot demand for anything from him. Masaya akong makita sya but at the same time, naiinis ako kasi it seems that fate is playing with me. Inside my head were questions like; "why do we need to crossed our paths again when it will just make it hard for me?" "Mahal nya rin kaya ako? or this is just a one way love affair -- kung saan ako ang tanga at ang talo?"

Bumaba kami sa Pretil sa may binangonan. Inaantay namin sila Kat at Carol at si Herline. Iniwan nya sa akin yung jacket nya. kinuha ko naman with no questions asked. Pagdating sa talim, nagkukulitan pa din. Pero medyo malapit na kami.Magkatabi kami sa upuan. Overnight kami sa palaisdaan ng tatay ni ate connie. andun kame sa may bench. Magkayakap kami for the rest of the night. wala na naman ako sa tamang pag-iisip. Bahala na. Que cera cera... basta ang alam ko mahal ko sya.

The next day, nagkukulitan. Pumunta naman kami kina Te Roda. Tamang kulitan ulit. saka ko lang nalaman na nagkita kita pala sila noong birthday ni Kat. - asa pa ako na imbitado ako di ba? siguro super busy lang talaga ako... or i was in mundane, ignoring them... but as far as i know; wala akong natatanggap na text at nahihiya naman akong magtext sa kanila.Nagkakuwentuhan na magkakaroon ng second camp at nalaman ko na inaayos na nila Leslie at Roxie. They asked me if sasama ako - sumagot akong hindi pa ako sigurado. Si Leslie ang nagreact at sinabihan akong daldal. Tahimik lang ako. ayoko ng magreact. baka magkamali pa.Basta, ang alam ko sulit yung pagsama ko at sana makasama ako sa meeting sa susunod na linggo. Sabi ko aayusin ko yung schedule ko; tinanong ko kung magkano yung offer, kung wala naman akong gagawin bakit hindi di ba? siguro tama yung sagot ko kasi hindi na sila nagreact pa. Magkatabi kami ni jed sa upuan. Nagiging malambing sya.--- kung kailan naman sabi ko sa sarili ko i need to forget him; saka me ganito...

deep inside; i was praying nasana hindi na matapos yung araw. na sana kung kami talaga; sana maging okay kaming dalawa. sana wala na lang complications, sana wala na lang bon na nagaantay sa kanya.. sana its rem and jed na lang... puro sana na hindi ko alam kung mabibigyan katuparan...

bagong kanta na naman --- Maybe it's wrong to say please love me too coz i know you never do somebody else is waitin' there inside for you.... maybe its wrong to love you more each day coz i know she's here to stay.... but i know to whom you should belong....

matatapos na naman ang araw. Kumusta naman kaming dalawa, patuloy ba kaming magsasayaw sa isang ritmo na walang kasiguraduhan? pero sabi ko nga, masaya ako kasi mahal ko sya... and maybe its wrong to love him more each day.... -sigh-

BE MINE FOREVER

2009-12-10T09:53:00.000+08:00

This morning I received an email from one of the most influential person in my life and she's mad at me. She asked me to stop going to their house even if she's miles away. and i know i have to obey her. I informed Jed about it. I texted him and told him everything because my heart cant take it. Before, this influential person and I was so close but right now, i dont know what really happened.

He replied and told me not to mind it. We texted each other until i feel better. He told me that he loves me so much and he wont allow anyone to take me away from him. I told him that he let me go before and he told me that it wont happen again.

I trust him. I know this time everythings good between us... and just when everything's good... here' comes another complication. I feel like were romeo and juliet. fighting against all odds and i hope that ours will be a happy ending...

he asked me to be his forever and i agreed and told him that even from the start, he owns me...

CHAPTER 2: somewhere down the road

2009-12-08T09:49:00.000+08:00

Nagkita kami uli matapos ang isang linggo. May usapan kami na aakyat ng bundok. Maaga pa lang andun na ako sa meeting place. Late sila. Badtrip. Hapon na sila dumating. Natuwa akong makita sya. iba pa din ang tibok ng puso ko tuwing nakikita ko sya. may kaba pa din. Magkasama kami at parang masasabi kong mahal nya ako. Alagang alaga nya ako. at gusto kong kalimutan na may iba syang karelasyon. At sana nga nde na matapos yung araw na magkasama kami. Masaya ako. at yun ang mahalaga.
Naging maayos ang akyat. Maulan pero masaya yung lakad. Inulan kami sa campsite at
basa na din ang loob ng tent. Bumaha na nga sa loob ng tent namin eh. ang laki laki
kasi eh. Good for 10 persons ata yung tent. Masaya yung unang gabi. Magkasama kami sa tent at yakap yakap nya ako. Paano ko pa mararamdaman yung lamig ng gabi kung kayakap mo ang taong mahal mo. OO, inaamin ko.Mahal na mahal ko sya. pero maling mahalin sya. pero masaya pa ako.
Maaga kaming gumising kinabukasan. Kailangan namin mgbreak camp at bumaba na. sayang. Hindi na kami makakapagpeak kasi umuulan. pero, may pupuntahan pa daw kami. magbebeach daw kami. Cutad ata yun.
Masaya naman yung pagbaba namin. Pero andun pa din hiya. Nahihiya ako sa mga kasama namin. Puro barkada nya yung mga yun eh. Alam kong alam nila yung sitwasyon namin. Yung sitwasyon ko. Ako yung other woman. Pero masaya akong kasama sya eh. Gusto kong
kasama sya. pero, alam kong kailangan kong pigilan yung sarili ko. Kailanga kong putulin kung ano man yung kaugnayan ko sa kanya... kahit mahirap; kahit masakit; kahit na yun na yung huling bagay na gusto kong mangyari. kailangan kong gawin yung tama. Kailangan kong gawin yung dapat.
Gusto kong maging masayang alaala tong lakad na to. Habambuhay kong ilalagay sa alala ko yung sayang naramdaman ko. alam ko naman na pagkatapos nito, hindi na kami magkikita o malabo na kaming magkita kita. At ayokong humingi ng sign sa taas--
remember the movie serendipity? if we are meant to be; fate will play its part.
Mula batangas;nagbus kami pa-pasay. Bumaba ako sa tambo. At nararamdaman ko na sa pagbaba ko, kasabay noon ang pagtalikod ko sa taong mahal ko.

Nagkaroon ako ng sariling buhay. Ilang beses din akong nangumusta sa kanila. Ilang
beses din akong nagtext pero wala akong sagot na nakuha. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, tama
na; tigil na. Tuloy lang ang buhay pero lagi kong naalala yung araw na nagkakilala
kami.Laging bumabalik yung pakiramdam ng araw na malaki ung pagbabagong naganap sa
buhay ko. Sobrang madami yung nangyari. Kailangan kong unahin ang mga bagay bagay
kasya sa kanya. May mga personal na bagay na kailangan kong gawin. Nagpapakapagod ako sa trabaho kasi ayoko ng maisip sya kasi nasasaktan lang ako.
Masokista-- maybe thats the right term to use. Pero, kung ako nga hindi ko alam kung
bakit ko minahal yung taong yun e. Basta mahal ko sya. Siguro dapat tama na yun. Namatay si Uncle Nonoy. Kailangan kong ayusin ang mga bagay bagay. Kailangan kong
asikasuhin si Uncle. For a while, nakalimutan ko sya. For a while, ibang klaseng loneliness yung naramdaman ko. For a while, ibang tao ang namimiss ko. For a while, iba yung ipanagmumukmok ko. Umalis kami at nagpunta sa Aklan. Malaki ang nagawa ng 2
linggong pagbabakasyon ko. Nawala sya sa isip ko. at unti unti;binuo ko ang mga
pangarap ko. Pangarap para sa sarili ko. Hanggang makabalik ako ng Manila; hindi ko na sya naalala. May ibang mga lalaki na ako na napapansin. At alam ko natutuwa para sa akin si Ycar. Natutuwa din si Mama kasi alam nyang okay na uli ako. Na hindi na ako nasasaktan. Sabi nga nya, ganun talaga kapag nagmamamahal.

I know, i'm ready to moved on. and that i'm taking one step forward. Balik na sa dating buhay... parang hindi ko siya nakikilala... in my head; a song is humming... we had the right love at the wrong time.... guess i always knew inside i wouldnt have you for a long time...

CHAPTER 1: Ang Estranghero sa Panaginip Ko

2009-12-03T17:06:00.000+08:00

Nagkakilala kami noong July 2006. Masasabi kong nakaplano ang lahat na magkakilala kami. Kagagraduate ko lang noon at atat pa akong magkatrabaho, so lahat halos ng offer pinapatulan ko. Late akong dumating sa sta.lucia. Hindi ko pa alam yung lugar na yun noon. Habang papasok ang sinasakyan naming dyip, iba yung pakiramdam ko. Nakakatawa mang isipin pero pakiramdam ko noon, may life changing event na mangyayari. Habang iniiwan namin ang mga gamit namin sa guesthouse; iba din ang dalang emosyon ng bahay. DEJAVU!; parkiramdam ko nangyari na ito noon pero alam ko namang first time ko na makapunta sa bahay na yun.
Coffee time. Tamang tama hindi ako nagbreakfast. Late na kasi kami nagising ni Ate ycar... nagkulitan pa kasi kami nung gabi. Nakakatawa. Tahimik lang ako at nakikiramdam. Tipid ang mga sagot sa mga tanong. Nag-iisip kung anong ginagawa ko sa lugar na yun. Ayoko ng pakiramdam ko ng mga sandaling yun. Kakaiba sya. Iba yung tibok ng puso ko... para akong nagpapalpitate. Parang may hinahanap ang mga mata ko; at sa paglingon ko; alam kong nakita ko yung dahilan ng kakaibang pakiramdam na ito.
Andun sya sa kabilang mesa. Pamilyar ang mukha nya pero alam kong ngayon ko lang sya nakita. Mukha syang masaya. Ang sarap pakinggan ng tawa nya. Ang sarap nyang tingnan. Lumingon sya at biglang akong nahiya. Ibinalik ko ang atensyon ko sa mga kasama ko sa mesa. Nakipagkuwentuhan at pinipilit syang tanggalin sa isip.
Training. Getting to know each other. Pangalan, edad, course, interes, libangan at kung ano- ano pa. Minsan me follow up question. Kabado ako pero hindi ko alam kung bakit parang naglalaro lang ako. Nahiya bigla kasi nagche-cheer yung grupo nila sa likod. Siya na yung kasunod. At yun pala yung pangalan nya... Very Manly. Mukha syang seryoso. Bagay sa kanya yung pangalan nya. Nakakatuwa din yung mga kaibigan nya. Yung chinito saka yung long hair na me clown face Hindi ko pa alam na magiging mahaba at magiging malaking bahagi sila ng buhay ko.
Tapos na ang training. Kulitan. Kuwentuhan. Nakakatuwa sila. I never felt this so at ease with strangers. Kinuha nya number ko. Kulitan sa text. Kuya pa nga ang tawag ko sa kanya eh. His first text message was; “can you be my textmate” and i replied back; “kulit mo kuya ___”
Lumipas yung mga araw. Dumating ang mga estudyante naming. Busy busyhan na ang lahat. Nagkaroon ng rest day. Inuman. To make the long story short; a life changing event happened. Oo, sa mga nakakalam na nung kuwento, malaking pagbabago ang naidulot sa akin ng nangyaring yun. Naguluhan ako umiwas sa kanya ng ilang araw dahil hindi ko maamin sa sarili ko na nahulog na ang loob ko sa kanya. Madami akong narinig. Maraming nagsasabing mali. Maraming ayaw sa nangyari. Pero matigas ang ulo o sadyang lulong lang ang puso ko? Minahal ko sya noon pa. Mahal ko sya sa panaginip pa lang. Nasabi ko naman na dejavu yung lugar? Hapon yun ng marealize ko kung saan ko sya unang nakita. Nakita ko sya sa panaginip ko. Parehong pareho yung nangyari. Naglalaba ako nun ng lumapit sya at naupo at nakipagkulitan sa akin. That very moment, the way he smiles and the ringing of his voice reminds me of the faceless man in my dreams. He’s the stranger in my dreams. At unti unti, lumilinaw ang mukha ng estranghero sa panaginip ko. Siya at wala ng iba.
Hindi ko alam pero ng mga sandaling yun, pakiramdam ko para akong taong may amnesia na binalikan ng alaala. Hindi ko alam kung nakita nya ang reaksyon sa mukha ko o kung nabasa nya ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. Nakakatuwa ang ngiti sa labi nya at bigla akong nalungkot dahil alam kong malaki ang posibilidad na hindi na kami magkita uli. May iba syang karelasyon. May nagaantay sa pagbabalik nya. At kelangan kong tanggapin yun. Magkaibigan lang kami. Wala ng iba pa. At ayokong umasa dahil ayokong masaktan. At gusto kong paniwalain ang sarili ko na alam ko ang lugar ko sa buhay nya. Kaibigan. Magkaibigan lang kami.
Malapit nang matapos ang camp. Ilang araw na lang binibilang namin. Masaya ako kasi nakilala ko sya. Malungkot ako kasi kailangan kong kalimutan na sya ang lalaki sa panaginip ko. Kailangan kong tanggapin ang katotohanang hindi magkakaroon ng katuparan ang pangarap kong makasama sya. – habambuhay.
Oo, nakita ko ang sarili kong kasama sya sa pagtanda ko; sa pagabot ng mga pangarap ko. Sa bawat ngiti at luha. Oo, mahal ko na sya. At alam kong ito ang life changing event sa buhay ko. Ang mainlove ako ng totohanan. Ang malaman ko ang ibig sabihin ng pag-ibig at pagmamahal. Kung paano ba talaga ang magmahal. Siguro, hindi pa ganun kalalim ang nararamdaman ko pero ayoko ng palawigin pa. Baka mas masaktan lang ako. Ayokong lumusong sa kumunoy. At wala akong karapatan.
Naisip ko, nakilala ko ang taong mamahalin ko sa maling panahon. Nakilala ko ang lalaking alam kong handa kong paglingkuran. Yung taong alam kong kaya kong talikuran ang lahat para sa kanya pero bakit bas a maling panahon? Bakit ba may pero pa? Sadyang mapagbiro ang tadhana pero sabi ko sa sarili, kung kami, kami talaga! Ayoko kasing makasira ng relasyon. Kung ako ang gusto nya. Ayusin nya lahat ng problema.
Huling Gabi. Magkakuwentuhan kami. Kung pwede nga lang hindi na matapos ang gabi. Puro Oo lang ang sinasagot ko sa kanya, gusto ko kasing matandaan ang lahat. Mata, ngiti, kilos at amoy nya. Gusto kong baunin ang pakiramdam ng niyayakap nya ako at kung paano sya maglambing. Gusto kong isiping matatapos na ang isang magandang panaginip. Oo, mahal ko siya kaya handa akong pakawalan sya.
Ilang tula at ilang kuwento na ba ang nagawa ko dahil sa kanya? “hopeless romantic” yan ang tawag nila sa akin. Hindi ko naman kasi maaring ipagkaila eh. Sobrang nabaliw ako sa atensyong binibigay nya at masasabi kong nalulong ako sa mga yakap at halik nya. Masarap pala talaga ang di tama. Hindi naman maling magmahal. Sadyang hindi lang tama ang panahon at oras naming dalawa.
Naghiwalay kami kung san kami unang nagkita. Gustuhin ko mang lumingon alam kong hindi dapat. Dapat ko nang tapusin ang kahibangan ko. Kailangan kong mabuhay sa reyalidad. Kung talagang para kami sa isa’t isa, tadhana na ang bahala.

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HIGH SCHOOL

2009-11-24T14:40:00.006+08:00

I love high school. I can’t deny that. I enjoyed every day of my four years in my precious alma mater. I know during that years; I was happy. Or I must say, I believe I was happy. I have a lot of friends and I started creating my dreams here. I can still remember the nonsense giggles and “pacute days” before. The nonstop slum books and autographs. The promises of endless friendships, timeless dreams and aspirations. And it brings a big sigh… a happy memory it is.

I was able to pass by my High school Alma mater yesterday and looking at those teenagers, I wonder if they are enjoying it.

My high school days were not like anybody's. I want to believe mine was different. Maybe because I’m really different. Looking back, I can say now that my high school life was not that fruitful; but I did enjoy it in my own ways. I don’t know why I’m saying this, why it seems that didn’t enjoy it. Maybe my purpose is to show the other side of high school.

I went to a public high school under a special science class program. My classes start at 6:15AM till around 3:30pm or 4pm. Yes. It’s a whole day class. Most of us are classmates since elementary. Others came from private elementary schools. It’s a total mix of students with one thing in a common - most of us are from the top sections in elementary; honor students, achievers; the pride of our primary schools; with talents and skills par excellence.

Honestly, I was too excited to enter High school. My cousins and my neighbors told me that High school is the best. Based on the TV Series and Movies, they describe high school as the "best part of your life". Technically, it’s because; it’s the transition period from being a child to young adult. The adolescence years, the campus courtship; the first love (which later on; you will realize that its just a puppy love) But, nobody warned me that it would as hard as it can be. In this stage you will be labeled. Campus Queen or King, the Jocks, the nerds, the punks, the nobody’s, the elites, the poor, the brainers; the no-brainers and other names.

Building friendship was hard for me. I mean a truly lasting friendship. Or maybe it’s because I can’t easily trust the people around me. Or maybe I was too paranoid as well - I wanted to give out a good impression but I ended up in bad waters. I have a lot of colleagues; people say I’m easy to get along with, I have acquaintances from SOF, DOST 2, Par-Sci and even from the regular sections- from the highest to lowest section.

It’s hard and confusing for me. During our homeroom - our adviser told us that we need to set good first impression because first impression lasts. She has a point but later on I realized; “WTH! It’s like you're hiding yourself, it’s like you're being boxed up; then why not just be me..."

I know people are talking behind my back (as paranoid as ever) I know they’re saying negative things about me. It may appear as if I don’t care but deep inside it’s really killing me. I know it’s a fact because I also talked behind someone else back just because I want to a part of a certain group. I want to win friends but then, it’s hard. Or maybe again; I didn’t try hard enough.

I gained friends and I felt more at ease with the crowd of other people; (I mean students from different sections)I can be myself with them rather than the people in our block. (maybe because I’m superior when I’m with them) or maybe it’s because I heard words like I don’t have finesse; that I’m too Magaslaw and all that... and I do understand that they want me to become better; but again; I’m different remember? - Deep in the back of my mind; I’m wondering if they want me to become better or just to be like them...

Birds of the same feathers flock together - that's the concept in High school. You need to have at least one common point to become friends and right now I find it shallow. For me, friendship is developed by the differences in each person and finding it enduring.

I find my high school as a boxed life. I need to do this to become this. I need to be this because it’s what’s expected from us. I have to or else... High school. I did enjoy it. Really I do, but I can’t deny the fact that right now, looking through these students - wearing the same uniform as what I have worn years ago makes me realize the feeling of being told on what to do, how to move and how to live according to other's expectations and how pathetic I have been following them.

I remembered the days when my teachers will say; "you're in section one, you should be (take note: YOU SHOULD; again the word is SHOULD) the model students." Model students in the sense that we need to make sure that we set proper example - no cutting classes, no late, no violations, we should be perfect for them and I hate it - they won’t allow us to commit mistakes and they forgot that we are also like any other students - we are also teenagers; bound to commit mistakes; bound to have low grades.

Being in a special science class is an achievement. It’s a feather on our Caps. We can say we are on top of others when it comes to I.Q. but when it comes to E.Q. I doubt if we are developed to have a high E.Q. It’s like were guinea pigs - they are developing us to excel in every subject areas. And I’m thankful for that but the comparison? Teachers can’t understand that each and every student has their own capability; that we have our own identity, talents and skills. One can do something others can’t. One is bound to do great in something. Each and every one of us is different from each other.

I hate them for telling me that I won’t succeed. They don’t know me or life that I had lived. They don’t know anything about me or the dreams that I have. Or the pains that I’m going through or the confusion that I was suffering way back then. But no one cared and I feel during that time, I can’t trust anyone.

I hate high school because I lived according to their expectations. I know I can’t bring back the old times. It’s already a past and regardless of what I have heard before; I am still me no matter what.

I remember one of my teachers saying; that in every flock of sheep, someone will go astray. I can say I’m that sheep; the black sheep. but at least I was able to become me... no matter how hard was the consequences are - I was a floating member of the class; no specific group of friends. Just me and myself. I'm like a butterfly that jumps from one group to another. At least it saved me from the pain of being betrayed or being exalted from your group of friends...

Looking back, it’s so pathetic and immature of us, but as the saying goes; "they can forget what you have said or done, but no one can how you make them feel"

I did enjoy high school but I can say now that it’s not the best part of my life... the best part would be college when I was able to express who I really am... and being with people who lets you be you with no questions asked...

But maybe, that’s high school: a life’s turning point. The point in one’s life where you start building your own self; the part where you start creating a name for you and for yourself; the point where you start building your dreams, the part where you realize your talents and skills, where you discover your real potentials. The part of your life where you start knowing…and learning by your own; where you tend to scar your knees and cry true tears; point in life where you can commit as many mistakes as possible; point wherein you can try challenging your society or just simply going with the flow… (I chose the first option) The funny thing, despite this experiences, I given the chance, to change anything in high school, I won’t even dare because this makes me; ME!

My high school life is a happy one but perhaps, it could have been better if I learned earlier that life is never fair…

Have You Ever?

2009-11-21T17:38:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt so tired of everything that is happening around you? That; sometimes you are wondering when will it change. Did you feel that certain kind of stress that all you want is to disappear from the world even for a while? That all you want is for the world to stop spinning even for a minute. That sometimes you feel that the time is passing by so quickly that you sometimes you can’t cope up with it. That all you want is for it to remain still; for a moment to last a little longer. Or sometimes, you wished that everything would just end... (A dark thought again...)

Have you ever felt that you are bound to experience a life changing event upon opening your eyes? Did you feel that when you wake up one morning; you suddenly feel so energized and so gay? And that you keep telling yourself that there’s something’s going to happen today that would change your life forever. (Without you realizing that every decision you make is bound to change your life forever?)

Have you ever felt a certain kind of fear? That it makes you so paranoid that you tend to look over your shoulder every now and then? Fear that envelopes your soul, fear that seems to haunts you even you’re in the safety of your bed and at the care of your home. Fear of someone finding your secrets; fear of losing someone; fear of betrayal; fear of anything; fear of every kind. (if you’re still feeling this; then it means you still have your conscience.)

Have you ever felt so down that makes you so grumpy all day? And you dont want to talk to anyone? And if someone will ask you; you will just grunt? You feel so grumpy, you feel so down that no one can ever come close to you except for that someone who knows you deep inside out.

Have you ever felt so disappointed for things that didn’t go as you expected? Or for not getting something that you want? Have you ever wanted something that you did everything just to get it? You plead, you cried, you tried to be good, mean and bad at the same time?

Have you ever cried for no reason at all? You cry simply because you want to and that as of that moment, crying is your best option; your best weapon; your so called anesthesia for whatever you are feeling.

Have you ever laugh out your heart out just because you wanted to laugh? That laughing makes you feel you fooled everyone else around you. That laughing will keep all those scrutinizing eyes away from you for even a while, That laughing it all out will make you someway better.

Have you ever had your heart broken? Broken into pieces, broken by someone whom you give it all to?

Have you ever had everything crashing down on you? Like you just simply crash and burn. All of your dreams, all of your wish and all of your hard work just fell down on you.

Have you ever had that weirdest dream? A dream you never think of. A dream that surprise your subconscious mind while sleeping and makes you wonder why?

Have you ever had that feeling so at peace? That no one can ruin your day, not even a thousand hurtful words can destroy the peace you made for yourself?

Have you ever watched the sunset and sigh at its beauty? Wondering if someone is also sighing at its beauty and wondering if you can be like the sunset… simply wonderful.

Have you ever gaze up onto the night sky and try to figure as much as constellations as possible? Or just simply watching and counting the falling stars? Thinking that one of those stars is you and that there are people gazing up to you.

Have you ever wished to go back in time? To change something that you did or simply to relive the moment or to simply remember it to every detail.

Have you ever wish something yet it didnt come true?

Have you ever lost a friend? a loved one? a pet or anything or anyone special and close to you?

Have you ever wished to find that someone who will sweep you off your feet... to find that someone that will make you feel complete, someone that you know you will love for the rest of your life and someone you will stand up with all the odds that will come....

and all other Have you ever…

Naranasan mo na ba?

2009-11-21T17:12:00.000+08:00

Naramdaman mo na ba yung naiinis ka pero wala kang magagawa.

Naranasan mo na ba yung ikaw mismo ang bumabara sa sarili mo dahil walang ibang makakaintindi sayo?

Naranasan mo na din ba yung sabihan ka na hindi ka part ng grupo at kung bakit ka nakikisama sa kanila?

Masakit pala. Kahit pa sabihing biro lang sya. Sabi nga di ba - "all jokes are half meant."

Naranasan mo na ba yung bigyan ka ng cold shoulder treatment na wala kang kaalam alam kung bakit? Tapos out of the blue, malalaman mo na dahil may nasabi ka daw na nakasakit sa kanila.

Nakakapikon yun. Sana hindi mo na lang nalaman kasi tama din pala yung kasabihang; "what you dont know wont hurt you". Nakakainis din kasi akala mo kaibigan mo sila; sa halip na tanungin ka nila para naman may justice sa side mo, walang gumawa. May mga nakakausap ka sa kanila pero hindi sila nagsalita. Cold shoulder pa din. Hanggang sa nasanay ka na lang.

Sabi mo okay lang ang lahat; sumagot ka ng oo na mababalik pa sa dati pero alam mong deep inside hindi na mangyayari yun. Kaya tuloy tuloy na yung pag-alis mo. Yung pag-iwas mo. Civil lang kumbaga.

Maiinis ka pa kasi binibiro ka nila. isinasama ka sa kalokohan nila. Pakiramdam mo tuloy, eh pinaglalaruan ka.Akala nga kasi nila okay na uli; pero ikaw deep inside; nde na magiging okay. Na nde na pdeng bumalik sa dati.

Sabi nga ni Dao Ming Xe; "Ano pa ang silbi ng Parak kung lahat madadaanan sa sorry". at isa pa, nde ka naniniwala sa kiss and make up. At alam mo din sa sarili mo na masyado ng madaming nabago at masyadong malalim ang lamat para maibalik pa sa dati ang lahat.

Oo, nde na maibabalik sa dati ang lahat. At ayaw mo ding magexert ng effort dahil ayaw mo ng mapahiya at ayaw mo ng masaktan.

HIndi ka siguro nila maiintindihan. Wala naman talagang makakaintindi sayo kung hindi sarili mo. Sabi nga nila, sa 10 taong kilala mo, 5 sa kanila walang pakialam sayo at 5 sa kanila ang natutuwa kasi nasasaktan ka.

Eh bakit mo sila bibigyan ng kasiyahan, eh di hayaan mo na lang sila, wag mong pagpilitan ang sarili mo. Di ba nga, nasanay ka na wala sila sa tabi mo at dati naman wala sila sa buhay mo.

Ilang beses na akong nasaktan. At masasabi ko namang me natutunan ako. Ang pagkakaibigan at ang relasyon ay parang buhangin.- Isara mo ang kamay mo at unti unti silang mawawala sayo. Ibukas mo ang palad mo at makikita mong andyan lang sila.
Kailangan mong hayaan ang mga kaibigan mong maging sila. Pabayaan mo sila sa mga gusto nilang gawin. Maging masaya ka sa kanila. Ganun din sa taong mahal mo. Hayaan mo lang sya. Hindi naman sya mawawala sayo kung ayaw nyang mawala sa sayo.

Teka, ano na ba tong pinagsusulat ko? Kelangan ko na sigurong matulog... :)

PARA SA MAHAL KONG INA 11.10.2009

2009-11-10T12:38:00.002+08:00

Para sa Mahal kong Ina

Hindi ko alam kung napasalamatan na kita sa pagdadala mo sa akin sa loob ng 9buwan sa iyong sinapupunan. Salamat sa paglalagay mo ng isa mong paa sa hukay para lang maisilang ako. Hindi ko alam ang hirap na dinanas mo ng mga panahong nagpupumilit akong lumabas mula sa iyong sinapupunan upang makita ang mundong inihanda mo sa aking pagdating.

Hindi pa din siguro kita napapasalamatan sa mga panahong napupuyat ka para palitan ako ng lampin sa tuwing ako'y maiihi o madudumi sa kalaliman ng gabi o sa tuwing ako'y nagugutom - kailangan mong bumangon para ipagtimpla ako ng gatas. Napupuyat ka din sa kababantay sa akin sa tuwing ako'y magkakasakit.
Hindi mo ako hinayaang malamigan, sa tuwing ako'y giniginaw, yakap mo ang nagbibigay init. Hindi ka din nagsawang ipaghele ako sa gabi.

Hindi matatawaran ang pagmamahal na binigay mo sa akin simula pagkasilang ko hanggang ngayon. Ginabayan mo ako simula sa aking paggapang hanggang sa mga unang hakbang. Hawak mo ang kamay ko habang isinusulat ko ang aking unang abakada. Hindi matawaran ang tuwa mo ng unang banggitin ko ang mga salitang "mama". Hindi ka nagsawang pakinggan ang mga kuwento ko; lagi mo akong sinusuportahan sa bawat pangarap ko. Lagi kang nakaalalay sa tuwing nabibigo ako. Lagi mo akong pinapaalalahanan na muling tumayo at lumaban; na wag akong sumuko.
Simula noon hanggan ngayon - nasa tabi kita. Hindi mo ako iniwan. Kasama kitang umabot sa bawat pangarap ko. -- Maraming maraming salamat!

Hindi mabilang ang pagkakataong sumakit ang ulo mo dahil sa kasutilan ko. Hindi mabilang ang mga sandaling nagaalala ka dahil sa paguwi ko ng disoras ng gabi at sa ilang ulit na hindi ko paguwi at pagalis ng walang paalam. Hindi mabilang ang sama ng loob na binigay ko sayo sa tuwing sumasagot ako ng pabalang at nagkakamali; sa mga pagkakataong hindi ko alam kung ano ang sinasabi ko dahil lang sa hindi ko nakuha ang gusto ko. Ilang beses din ba kitang tinakot dahil sa mga bagay na inaakala kong tama. Hindi ako naging mabuting anak. Hindi ako tulad ng iba na ehemplo sa kabaitan. Hindi ako santa. Madalas akong magkamali at madalas kong sinusunod ang gusto ko - walang pasintabi kung masaktan man kita pero hindi ka nagsawa. Hinayaan mo akong matuto sa mga sarili kong pagkakamali. Hinayaan mo akong gawin ang gusto ko ngunit sa tuwing bumabalik akong luhaan at nasasaktan - wala akong sumbat na naririnig bagkus nakahanda ang iyong kamay para muli akong yakapin. Hindi mo ako kailanman itinaboy at itinakwil. Lagi kang nakaabang sa aking paguwi.

Hindi ko alam kung paano kita mapapasalamatan sa lahat ng bagay na ginawa mo para sa akin. Hindi ko alam kung paano masusuklian ang pagmamahal na buong puso at buhay mong ibinigay. Sana sapat na ang sabihin ko ang mga salitang; Patawarin mo ako, salamat at mahal kita. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakabawi sa lahat ng kabaitan, pagmamahal at pagaaruga mo sa akin. Sana sapat na sabihin kong buong buhay kong tatanawin ang mga bagay na ginawa mo sa akin. Na lahat ng ginawa mo sa akin ay pipilitin kong mahigitan kapag nagkaanak na ako. Hindi ko alam kung paano at kung ano ang tamang paghingi ng tawad o ang tamang pagpapasalamat. Alam kong hindi sapat ang mga materyal na bagay na pinipilit kong maibigay sayo. Alam kong hindi sapat ang pagpapaalam ko sa tuwing ako'y umaalis; ang pagtatanong ko kung kumain ka na ba sa tuwing ipinaghahain mo ako; ang pangungumusta ko sa araw mo. Alam kong kailanman hindi ko matatapatan ang bagay na ibinigay at patuloy mong ibinibigay.

Isinulat ko ito dahil ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago ko masabing Mahal na Mahal kita, ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago kita mapasalamatan sa lahat lahat at ayokong mahuli ang lahat bago ako makahingi sayo ng tawad.

Mama, patawarin mo ako sa lahat ng maling nagawa ko. sa lahat ng sakit ng ulong ibingay ko, sa lahat ng sama ng loob at sakit na ibinigay ko sayo. Mama, maraming maraming salamat sa pagmamahal, pagaaruga, pagpapatawad, sa bawat yakap at tapik sa balikat, sa bawat paghele at paghalik mo. sa walang sawang pagaalala at pagpapaalala, sa mga kuwento at mga payo, sa bawat kuskos na ginagawa mo sa damit ko, sa bawat pagkaing inihahanda mo, sa bawat gabing hindi ka makatulog, sa bawat sandaling hindi ka mapakali, sa bawat gabay mo sa buhay ko, sa bawat araw na patuloy nating inaabangan para sa katuparan ng ating pangarap, sa bawat butil ng pawis mo para mabigyan ako ng magandang bukas, sa lahat lahat ng ginawa at patuloy mong ginagawa para sa akin - MARAMING MARAMING SALAMAT.

Mama, Mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw ang nagturo sa akin kung paano magmahal ng walang kapantay - ikaw ang nagturo ng tunay na pagmamahal - ang pagmamahal na hindi nagaantay ng kapalit. Ang pagmamahal na marunong magpatawad at magparaya. Ang pagmamahal na handang magpakasakit. Mahal na mahal kita. Mama, sana balang araw maging katulad kita - isang butihing ina.

what you dont know wont hurt you...

2009-11-06T16:33:00.000+08:00

I hate this feeling. Sabi nga ni Jed, chillax lang. pero naiinis talaga ako eh.

naiinis ako. Naiinis pa rin ako. Naiinis ako kasi pakiramdam ko pinagkaisahan ako. Naiinis ako kasi hindi ko nagawang maipagtanggol ang sarili ko. Naiinis ako kasi hindi ko silang nagawang komprontahin.

Siguro tama sya. Nagsorry naman sya. Pero sya lang ang nagsorry. at wala naman akong karapatang magdemand ng sorry from them, pero totoo din naman yung sinabi ko sa kanya. Balewala na sa akin yung nagawa nila. Balewala na sa akin na iniignore nila ako dito sa office... HELLO! hindi naman nila hawak ang happiness ko and besides, hindi lang sila ang tao dito. Sabi nga nila, you cannot please everybody at part sila ng everybody na hindi ko mapiplease.

Nasaktan lang siguro ako. Mali. Nasaktan talaga ako sa ginawa nila. I was left in the Limbo. Walang nagsabi sa akin kung bakit. Yung tinanong ko, kibit balikat lang. then, its really true, what you dont know wont hurt you...

its better siguro na hindi ko na lang nalaman. no, buti na lang nalaman ko. sabi nya, may nakapagkuwento daw sa kanila na may sinabi akong against sa barkadahan nila. Naiinis ako kasi sana vinerify muna nila kung totoo. Naiinis ako kasi ang babaw ng tingin nila sa akin. Naiinis ako kasi in a way, sinasabi nilang back fighter ako. NAiinis ako higit sa lahat kasi hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung ano ba yung sinasabi nilang sinabi ko. at naiinis ako sa taong nagsabi nun sa kanila. Unang-una, sinira nya yung naguumpisang magandang friendship sana. Pangalawa, sinira nya yung pagkatao ko ng wlang kalaban laban.Pangatlo, naiinis ako sa kanya dahil traydor sya.

Sabi ko nga, wala na akong magagawa kundi tanggapin na lang yung nangyari. Wala na rin namang saysay eh. Hindi ko na maibabalik yung ilang buwang hindi nila pagkausap sa akin. Hindi ko maibabalik yung panahong sana kasama ko sila at nakakabiruan. Hindi na mababago yung nangyari na nagmukha akong tanga dahil sa hindi nila pagkausap sa akin. Maraming nasayang at maraming bagay na hindi na mababago.

ayoko nang isipin yun. may mga natutunan naman ako eh. Nalaman ko na hindi sila kawalan. Madaming taong pwede kong makasama. Nalaman ko na hindi sila matatawag na kaibigan dahil hindi nila kayang magsabi ng totoo sa akin.Nalaman ko na okay lang na hindi nila ako pansinin -hindi naman ako namatay eh. hindi din naman ako yayaman kung papansinin nila ako.

yun. At dahil nailabas ko na yung inis at yamot ko- okay na ako...

magpapasko na. at alam kong mas okay ang christmas ko ngayon.

wag ko lang malalaman kung sino ang may kagagawan ng lahat ng ito dahil makakatikim siya o sila ng sobra sobra sa akin....

remember, si remrose to... and i believe in the saying "an eye for an eye; a tooth for a tooth"

well, let's see.

MY VOW (to the one I truly love)

2009-11-02T10:33:00.001+08:00

I wrote this last march 24, 2007. I wrote this after I realized that it was Jed that I want to spend my whole life with; that it was Jed that I truly love. I wrote this during the time when our relationship was in a brink because of some complicated situation. Yes, I’ve been weak during this time. I broke up with him because I was too hurt; because I was so confused because of the things he hides from me; but I know he never lied; it’s just that he can’t tell me everything; afraid that he will hurt me more... (One of his worst decisions...) yes, we broke up and I realized that I need to find myself again. I hibernated for 2 years; tried to forget my feelings for him; I’ve been in another relationship and so he was. We are both trying to forget each other- or maybe; it was just me.

Then, that day came, 12 March 2009; we met again- and upon looking through his eyes; I feel that the love inside never died, It was always been there. And yes, we kissed and we started anew. We are working our relationship out. And I guess, the cliché was right; sometimes people need to break up for them to grow up. We are both working on this relationship and I’m sure that He’s the man I wanted to be with for the rest of my life.

Here’s the vow I’ve written almost 3 years ago...

I vow to love you completely; without hesitations, without reservations and without limitations. I vow to love you for who you are; who you will be and who you’ve been. I vow to love you till my dying days and hours; up to the last breath of my life and I promise you; I’ll love you even more after death. I vow to respect you and your family. I vow to stay with you thru all the ups and downs of our lives.

We’ve been thru all these and that and I vow to grow old with you. I vow to become a good wife to you and a good mom to our children. I love you so much that I won’t even think of leaving you. I will stay for always.

If times of confusion come as our way, if problems will test our faith; I’ll try to be strong for both of us. I will look back to the first time we met, the time I never thought I’ll find you and I’ll gather strength from it. I will endure all the pain and hurts life will give us.

Let me tell the world how special you are to me that though I don’t believe in destiny. I believe that were meant to be. I love you so much and I promise to take good care of myself so I could take good care of you. I thanked the Lord for bringing and giving you to me.

I love you and will love you even more, Mahal ko

Lutang ako kasi Nagseselos ako!

2009-10-29T17:33:00.001+08:00

Alam kong kailangan kong gawin to para maging maayos ang pakiramdam ko. Para masettle ko ang nagulo kong mundo. Hindi ko na pwedeng iwasan to and I know I would feel better if I can release everything in whatever way possible... – which for me is blogging.

Bakit ako messed up? Someone cared enough to ask me why. And thank you Neil for the concern. Now, read this to answer your questions.

Alam mo ba yung pakiramdam na lutang ka? Yung bang wala ka sa sarili mo. Physically present and mentally absent. Yun ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Though, mentally present pa din naman ako, especially sa office kasi ayoko na may magtatanong pa kung okay ako. Sa mga may planong magtanong: OKAY AKO... LUTANG LANG TALAGA...

BAKIT?

Sana masagot ko kung bakit. Iba lang yung pakiramdam ko. Para akong dagat. Maalon ngayon ang emosyon ko. Masaya tapos biglang malungkot. Parang rollercoaster. Ang labo no? Eh, sa yun ang nararamdaman ko eh. Magulo. Sobra.

Confused nga siguro talaga ako ngayon. Nagdecide na kasi akong maglet go. Nagdecide na akong wag magexpect. Nagdecide na akong wag nang umasa. Nagdecide na ako na pakawalan yung love. Nagdecide na ako na tanggapin na baka nga hindi kami para sa isa’t – isa ni Jed. That day, I wrote my blog Jerrold Llavorre Crisostomo was the day I decided to let him go and set myself free. Ayoko na kasing umasa. Nakakapagod. Ayoko na kasing masaktan. Hindi ko na kasi kaya eh. Ayoko nang magexpect kase baka hindi magkatotoo. Sabi ko sa sarili ko; maybe, hindi na matutupad yung plano namin ni Jed years ago. Yung masayang plano. Yung honeymoon sa Palawan. At madami pang iba. Sabi ko ng araw na yun, pakakawalan ko sya at kapag bumalik sya, Akin talaga sya. Inisip ko na lang, yung sinabi nya sa akin 5 months ago... “Find someone real kasi may mga bagay na hindi mo makukuha sa akin. I’ll find you after I settled everything.”

After that, I received a text message from him. Kinukumusta nya ako. Tapos nagtanong sya kung pwede kaming magkita. Nanghina na naman ako. Kelan ba ako HUMINDI kay Jed? I cant remember a single instance that I said no to him. I decided to meet him. Actually kami na ni Les ang nagusap. Pero alam ko naming sasama sya eh. Kaya lang, naset ko na din yung expectation ko nab aka walang Jed na dumating. At tama nga yung pakiramdam ko. Walang Jed na dumating. Sabi ni Les sinundo daw ni Bon. Wala akong magagawa dun. Si bon kasi yung kailangan nyang I-settle eh. Sabi ni Les, sinumpa na daw ng buong angkan ni Bon si Jed. Hindi ko na lang pinansin pero alam ko na nakita ni Les yung disappointment sa mukha ko ng sabihin nyang susunod si Jed. Alam kong halata ni Les yung lungkot sa boses ko ng sabihin kong, “hayaan mo na sya, hindi na sya makakarating” Tama na naman ako. Hindi nga sya makakarating.

Ulit. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, “wag ka nang umasa Rem. Dont Expect anything” I tried to live normally. Went to work. GO home. Facebook. Blog. School.

Last Saturday, nagkita kami ni Jed. And hindi ko alam kung ano yung emotions ko. Hindi ko masabing excitement sya. Blanko yung emotion ko. Tinanong nya ako kung namiss ko sya. Sabi ko, hindi ko alam. Totoo. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko siguro alam kung paano idescribe yung naramdaman ko nung nagkita kami. Hindi saya eh. Hindi Excitement. Hindi naman ako nalungkot. Hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano yung nararamdaman ko.

Jed, I know you are reading this. Please don’t get me wrong and please tapusin mo para magets mo ha?

4 days pass bago ko nalaman kung bakit blanko yung pakiramdam ko nung nagkita kami. Blanko kasi hindi ko na inaasahan yun. Pero di ba dapat Masaya ako? Hindi ko naramdaman na Masaya ako kasi pinapakiramdam ko yung sarili ko. Iniisip ko kung ano dapat yung maramdaman ko. Sabi nga ni Marvin, wag ko gamitan ng isip. Gamitan ko daw ng senses ko. Listen to what my heart says daw. Kaya lang, dinedebunk kasi ng utak ko yung sinasabi ng puso ko... “Tumigil ka nga dyan, hindi ka nadala. Ilang beses ka na bang umasa at nasaktan?”sabi ng utak ko sa pusok ko. Natakot naman ng magreason out yung puso ko. Kaya ayun, no emotions ako nung nagkita kami.

But Jed knows his ways to me. Alam nya kung paano ako lambingin, kaya bago natapos ang mga oras na magkasama kami, alam ko na si Jed pa din yung lalaking gusto kong makasama for the rest of my life. Si Jed pa din yung gusto kong maging tatay ng anak ko. Si Jed pa din yung stranger in my dream. Si Jed pa din ang mahal ko. Natuto na naman akong umasa. Nagexpect na naman ako. Sabi nya, “wala na kami ni Imee. (Bon). Hiwalay na kami, sabi ko sa kanya, gusto nya ibigay nya sa akin yung baby.”

**TAKE NOTE: FIRST TIME READER AT HINDI NAKAKAALAM NG KUWENTO: WALA SYANG ASAWA AT HINDI SYA KASAL ***

Masaya akong umuwi ng gabing yun. Alam ko naman na magiging maayos kami. Ngayon, hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Tama naman sI Jed, hindi maiiwasang magkita sila ni Bon. Hindi maiiwasang pumunta sya don dahil nga sa baby. Tanggap ko naman na yun. Alam ko naman na yun eh. Alam ko kung gaano kakomplikado yung situation. Pero bakit ba ganito yung nararamdaman ko. Sabi nila, assurance daw kasi ang hinahanap ko. Sabi nila tanggapin ko daw na nagseselos ako. Sabi nila, bakit ba si Jed pa eh meron namang iba.

Oo nga naman. Bakit ba si Jed pa? Ito lang ang sagot ko dyan. Kasi si Jed ang mahal ko. Kasi si Jed ang gusto ko. Kasi si Jed ang someone that I want to grow old with. Kasi si Jed ang part ng buhay ko na hindi ko magagawang itapon at pakawalan. Sabi nga nila pathetic. Anong magagawa nila, Mahal ko sya eh.

Oo nga, siguro nga kailangan ko ng assurance, pero alam ko naman yun deep inside eh. I’m assured na kami na talaga. Selos. Tama. Selos nga itong nararamdaman ko.

Hai. Sabi ko na nga ba, kailangan kong isulat ang lahat para malaman ko kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko. OO, nagseselos ako!

Through the Storm

2009-10-26T15:57:00.001+08:00

10.16.2009

8.39 AM

Through the Storm

I definitely renewed my faith during the fall of typhoon Ondoy. Not that I don’t believe in God or something. It’s just that I felt God's mercy on me and my family. He spared us from the danger of the typhoon. The Lord kept us safe though we're apart during the typhoon. God made ways to make sure that each and every member of our family safe. And I'm so thankful because not even a drop of water came inside the house, though it’s just an inch and the water will definitely get inside our home.

I was stranded in office that time. Bored and worried. And in my usual grumpy self. I don’t have access to TV news, no access to the outside world aside from the fact that I’m seeing the roads around ELJ building are waist up flooded already. I didn’t even care and I didn’t panic because my brother already informed me that there safe and my mother told me to stay where I am and let the water goes down before going home.

Good thing is that I was able to let myself listen to my mom. I rendered double shift from Saturday night till Sunday afternoon. When I got home; my mom told me everything; all are good news; my family is safe, they were able to cook food and eat. Totally no harm done. And I’m so relieved.

That Sunday night, I was able to watch TV and finally saw what had happened. East side of the metro was really in bad shape. Marikina, Pasig, Rizal was flooded. The CAMANAVA Group of Islands (as what Lordan Obille called it) is also flooded. The event was an eye opener for me... I called it, the fury of nature; revenge of mother earth and such. The incident didn’t choose people. The event made rich and poor meet at the same level. Yes, it’s so devastating.

After all the emotional rush inside of me, I began checking my phonebook, thinking and remembering all of my friends that might be affected by the typhoon. I texted them, checking if they are safe. And most of them are physically safe with their family but almost lost everything. And my usual empathy statement is: "At least you're still alive and kicking"; "At least you're safe". I cannot do anything but to pray for their safety.

It’s a real eye opener for everyone. And that event reminded me of the parable of Noah's Ark. If the Lord was able to diminish everything in 40day and if Ondoy left the country in such a disaster for a continuous rain for no more than 48 hours, then what if it continuously rain for; let’s say 5 days? Will there still be metro manila? Let me answer that, yes, perhaps, we can see the big buildings... and maybe if it rains for 40days then, I believe Philippines will no longer be in the globe or in the world map....

Unlikeable idea but experiencing Ondoy made me fears the Lord more. And made me a better Christian. I want to be like Noah. I want my family to be included inside Noah's ark. I want to be saved and I'm so thankful for God's mercy.

One Tree Hill Quotes

2009-10-26T10:30:00.000+08:00

Lucas (Voiceover): Sometimes I wonder if anything's absolute anymore. Is There Still right and wrong? Good and bad? Truth and lies? Or is everything negotiable, left to interpretation, grey. Sometimes we're forced to bend the truth, transform it, because we're faced with things that are not of our own making. And sometimes things simply catch up to us.

Lucas (Voiceover): Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.

Lucas: Have you ever wondered what marks our time here? If one life can really make an impact on the world...or if the choices we make matter? I believe they do. And I believe that one man can change many lives. For better...or worse.
Keith: Just breathe, Lucas. It's all gonna be okay.

Lucas: There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

Lucas: Because it´s only when you´re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it´s only when you´re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the HEARTACHE and fear of what life has.

Lucas: But once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quite persistence of a dream.

Lucas: There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroad, afraid, confused, without a roadmap. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

Peyton: Someone once told me, Every song has an ending Jake, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?

Nathan: You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it. God, I love this game.

Nathan: (voiceover) Every once in a while people step up, they rise above themselves. Sometimes they surprise you, and sometimes they fall short. Life is funny sometimes, it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope in the words of children, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

Nathan: (voiceover) Have you ever heard the expression the best things in life are free? Well, that expression's true.

Lucas: (voiceover) Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred.How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children out into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?

Lucas: (voiceover) Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred. How did it find us? Did it steal into our lives or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children out into the world like we send young men to war, hoping for their safe return but knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?

Ellie: Every song has a CODA, a final movement. Whether it fades out or crashes away. Every song ends. Is that any reason not to enjoy the music? The truth is there is nothing to be afraid of. It's just life

Lucas: (voice over) Robert Louis Stevenson once said, "You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?"

Lucas Scott (Voiceover): "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote: 'All are architects of fate... living in these walls of time.'" "Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote: 'All are architects of fate... so look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again.'"

Lucas: (voice over) Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "Live each season as it passes. Breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, but resign yourself to the influences of each."

Peyton: (voiceover) at this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.

Lucas: Tennessee Williams once wrote: We all live in a house of fire. No fire department to call. No way out. Just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns down the house...with us trapped, locked in it.

Lucas: Lives better---money, popularity, fame---we ignore what truly matter--the simple things-- like friendship, family, love--the things we probably already had.

Nathan: (voiceover) Douglas Adams once wrote, he felt that his whole life was some kind of dream, and he sometimes wondered who's it was, and whether they were enjoying it.

Lucas: Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise, like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore simply rise above the pain in the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one. Like a team braced against the tempests of the world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held, promises made long ago in the sacred space in our hearts.

Lucas: Kahlil Gibran once wrote: Your reason and your passion are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone, is a force confining. And passion, unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Lucas: Kahlil Gibran once wrote: Your reason and your passion are the rudder and sails of your seafaring soul. If either be broken, you can but toss and drift or else be held at a standstill in mid-seas. For reason, ruling alone is a force confining. And passion, unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction.

Brooke :( Brooke’s Election Speech): I thought I knew you. But I guess it's easier to see what we want than to look for the truth. You think you know me but you don't. And that means you don't know what I can do. You see me as someone popular and have all the answers but that's not true. I may not always know what I'm doing but I'll try to make things better. And when I make a mistake, because face it, we all do, I promise I'll ask for your help. I can't do this alone, but if you'll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise if you believe in me, I'll find the courage to reach for your every dream. John F. Kennedy said, "The courage of life is a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. A man does what he must, in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures. And that is the basis of all morality".

Lucas: Nathaniel Hawthorne once wrote: No man, for any considerable period can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.

Lucas (Voiceover) - Oliver Wendell Holmes once said: Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.

Lucas: (voiceover) some people believe that ravens guide travelers to their destinations. Others believe that the sight of a solitary raven is considered good luck. While more than one raven together, predicts trouble ahead (He looks out the window and sees many ravens are flying above the car)

Is this our Time now?

2009-10-25T14:37:00.001+08:00

I’m with Jed since 5pm yesterday until 1am this morning. We met at Gateway LRT McDo and went to meet JR and Loi yesterday. We ate and he bought some new clothes. Well, he badly needs some new clothes since most of it was soaked in mud during Ondoy.

He asked me if I missed him. And I answered, I don’t know. Honestly, I really don’t know. I don’t know if I missed him. I even don’t know how and what to feel towards him. When he hugged me, it seems like; I can’t remember the feeling of being wrapped in his arms. When he kissed me, I can’t remember the feeling of his lips touching mine. Everything seems all new to me. It seems that I everything was a dream.

TO JED: (oist, magbasa ka muna bago ka magreact ha?)

Yes, everything seems new. And I don’t know why. It’s been only months since the last time he held me close. It’s been 5months to be exact. 5 long months. We talked. I joke him about the thing, Leslie told me. The sunduan moments. He told me, the best news I ever received for the past few weeks... “wala na kami”

It’s great news. It’s what we’ve been waiting. It’s what he promised me. That he will settle everything and he’ll find me again. And I asked him, “maniniwala na ba ako?” and he answered, ever so sweetly, “Ikaw, nasa sayo yun” Reminded me that he’s still the Jed I once knew.

“Bakit ngayon ka lang nagparamdam?” I asked.

“Masaya ka nun di ba? May boyfriend ka eh” he answered.

I ended up confused. He then, reminded me of the entry I have in my live spaces about my secret Laurel. I told him that, my secret laurel is my crush and we never had a relationship. I don’t know why I’m explaining myself to him but I can feel that he was still the same jealous Jerrold. But then, I’m guarding my mind and my heart. I really can’t believe that we are together.

But, then as hours pass us by. I remembered how I miss this man. How much I loved him. And I want to scream and shout. I want to tell the world how happy I am but, why do I feel something is missing. If not missing, something’s wrong.

Well, I really don’t know. Maybe, I was not expecting this. Or maybe because I stopped hoping for a happy ever after for both of us. Maybe, I was hurt enough and I don’t want to be in pain again. And maybe, I managed to learn to feel by my brain and not through my heart.

Or maybe, I was just caught off guard. I was taken by surprise and my heart was able to counter the attack. I’m totally confused.

And maybe, this time, Jed needs to prove his love for me. But why then, I told my mom about him going to our house?

Confused. Totally.

Life Lessons at 24

2009-10-20T16:16:00.000+08:00

I'm 24 years old. Old enough. When I was in High school I dream that at this age I'm already engaged, waiting for my 25th birthday then got married and then have a baby by the age of 26 or 27. I dreamt that at this age I’m already successful. And I remember that day in Hs when I started weaving my dreams. I believed that after graduating in college, I will be get a stable job, have my own house at the age of 22, and then I’ll buy my first car. But then, life was not easy.

I enjoyed my college life so much. I became a student leader, I became a community leader. I joined several seminars, organizations and enjoyed every subject that I have. I saw myself in college the way I planned. I have several flings in college, and I told myself, right after college, I will take my relationship seriously.

I started weaving my other dreams before graduating in college. I will visit every place in the Philippines before going abroad. I told myself, I don’t want to work abroad; I just want to visit the places that I only read in books. I want a simple life here in the country. I have so many dreams. Too many that we need to change and sometimes give it up.

When my uncle got sick and died, my fairytale story ends. When my father got sick and died, my dreams vanished into thin air. I need to give up my dreams of buying my own house at 22, I need to give up my dream car, I need to give up my dreams of the Philippine tour and abroad. I need to give up everything. I need to choose between my wants and needs. And I need to choose from being selfish or selfless. I choose being good. I choose to give up my dreams. I choose to give up my wants. I choose to be selfless. Right now, I’m the sole breadwinner of our family. I'm sending my siblings to school, 2 colleges, 2 high school and 2 in elementary. I'm the one who gives the money for our food and for the bills and for everything else that we need.

I know it’s not my obligation. I know I can stop anytime that I want. Honestly I tried but I can’t bear the sight seeing my mother at her 50's now working. I can’t bear the thought that my two brothers won’t be able to finish their course. And most of all I can’t bear the thought that my family is starving while I’m having the time of life.

Life has been hard on me. Life made me tougher though. Despite all of this, I'm still thankful that we (my family) are still eating 3 times a day and I was able to provide the basic necessities. I'm thankful that all of us are in good health. I'm thankful that despite all of this, my family remained strong.

Life made me choose. And I want to believe that I made the right one. Though, I can’t deny the fact that sometimes, I’m still holding on to those dreams...

And I can’t deny the fact that right now, getting married and having my own family is far from getting into reality. I'm enjoying being single and I don’t think I will be able to enjoy a relationship... a romantic one with someone. Not now. Not in the next 2 years or so. And a horrible thought crossed my mind today, and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want to end up alone. An Old maid, a spinster.

Later, I know, I need to open my mind for relationship. Actually, I’m open for one, if they can understand my situation. And if one day, I will learn to love again...

The greatest lessons that I’ve learned so far are: Dreaming is free but you need to stick with reality. Life is hard and it’s up to you to make it easy. And most of all, I learned to be tough and strong to let go of my wants.

Too many Buts...

2009-10-19T09:47:00.002+08:00

I’ve never been this cautious in my entire life. I am actually surprised myself. I know myself as someone who’s go with the thrill, an adventurous and daring; daring in the sense that I’m going to do everything even if its life threatening. I never had problem trusting people. I make friends easily; I don’t care if I’m hearing negative things about that person, as long as they don’t do something bad to me... I easily fall in love. No matter how bitchy I am, I have a soft heart, a hopeless romantic and I’m someone who enjoys few quiet moments with my partner.

People asked me, my workmates bugs me to get a boyfriend and have a life. It was never an issue before. It’s as easy as counting 1 to 10. I’m not saying that I jump from one relationship to another but I have a lot of choices. I have suitors and all of them are incredibly hot and all of them are good catch, but... there’s this but...

I have a lot of buts right now. But, I can’t trust again. But I can let down my guard. But I’m afraid. Basically that’s it! I have fear of being into another relationship again. I fear that I might get hurt again though; I believe that love is a gamble; you can either win or lose. I guess I’m making up excuses. I guess the bottom line is, I’m afraid to be in a relationship simply because they find me as someone who can fulfill their lustful fantasies.

I’ve asked several guy friends and I’m so surprised to hear their answers. I asked them if I’m nakakalibog and they answered me, with a big yes. Yes, I’m surprised because I know for a fact that I’m not that beautiful. I’m just a simple girl, I wear simple clothes. I love wearing jeans and simple blouses or shirts and slippers or sneakers. I only have 36B boobies. That’s all. Why do they find me as someone who can fulfill their lust?

It’s a question that I often ask to my suitors and they get tongue tied. Yesterday, a special someone admits that, he felt the same way since the first day he met me. And it kept wondering more, what if they convinced me to have sex with them, will they stop pestering my life? Will they stop courting me? And is sex all they want from me?

Maybe, that’s my fear right now; I fear that men want me because of sex not because of who I really am... L

Until then

2009-10-13T09:41:00.001+08:00

I received a lot of negative reactions from my last post. And i cant blame them. But they dont know why i feel this way. They dont know how i really feel. They simply dont understand anything.

As what I've said they can call me pathetic, they can call me stupid. They can call me any word they want to use but they are not helping.I already know it even before they open their mouth. And i hate myself as well for loving him this much.

Maybe, ras is right. He just need someone who will scratch his itch and i was the one stupid enough to do it for him. But, Ras dont know anything.Ras dont know our past and the situation before.

Or maybe its me that really cant let go. Letting Go is never an easy thing especially if you found that something that you really wanted. The special thing that made you whole and complete. That special person that you're seeing your whole life with. That special person that you want to build your dreams with and to spend every single breath.

Life is not always good. There are times that i need to learn to let go. There are things that i need to give up. There are persons that i need to forget no matter how hard.

I love Jed so much. I loved him till the point of losing myself. I loved him until now and i will love him every single day of my life until i cant love him any more.until my heart grew tired of loving him. Until all the love in my heart flows.

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of hoping and i wish i can grew tired of loving him so that i can open up my heart again... until then..

Just when...

2009-10-11T20:38:00.002+08:00

I woke up in the middle of sleep last night because I need to pee. It’s been my habit to check my cell phones if I have some missed call or text message. And I received one from Jed last night. Yes, he texted me last night and I was able to reply to his text after almost 2 hours. I stayed up for more than an hour until I dozed off to sleep again; waiting for his response. I wasn’t able to sleep well because I was subconsciously listening for my cell phone’s beep.

He sent me a simple message. “muzta-jed”. I replied... “Hi Jed! Sori 4d l8 reply, ngaun ko lang nabasa txt mu s smart q. Aus lang aq, me class aq mya skul. Things r working fyn. E2 new landlyn nmin 9733079..musta- rem” I put his name and my name because I believe that he was using his brother’s cell phone. He can’t use his own sim card because the mother of his child keeps on checking it.

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart because he didn’t replied. I wanted to call him but I can’t. And I don’t know why. I wanted to talk to him. Tell him that I hate him. Tell him that I love him. Tell him that I can’t sleep because of him. Tell him that I miss him. Tell him that he still keeps my heart beating and he is still the man I dreamt of being with forever.

I wanted to tell him that I hate him. I hate him because every single time, that I try to move my feet forward, I end walking two steps backward. I hate him because he keeps me hanging; holding on the promise he made. And I wanted to tell him that I’m tired of waiting for him. And that I hate him for letting me fall for him over and over again.

It’s his fault if I still believe in him after all these years. We met and I fall in love with him when I was 20 and now, I’m already 24... 4 years passed and I still feel the same way. And I hate myself more for loving him.

I can’t move forward. I’m stuck here. Every time I try. Every single time that I decide to let him go, he will do something that leads me holding on; stronger than before. And I don’t know if it’s right or wrong. I can’t move on. I can’t let him go and there are times that I hate him for teaching me how to love him more and more.

It’s just a simple text but it affects my whole night and whole day and up tonight and maybe until tomorrow night or the next night after or maybe every night of the year... I will still dream of holding him back. Hugging him. Kissing him. Loving him more and more. And yet, those might remain as dreams... dreams that won’t ever come true...

Call me stupid. Call me mad. Call me every word you’ve got. But I just can’t help it. And I hate it.

yes-- i'm a drama queen

2009-10-06T05:49:00.000+08:00

10.6.2009
6F ELJ
my dad's birthday

I dont know what is happening with me. I dont know what to say. I dont even know what to write. im just simply letting my thought flow. and its all about jed... its been about jed since i saw his picture in facebook.
i really dont know if im sad or happy. maybe it would be safe to say that i feel something positive upon seeing his picture holding his child. i can say that i'm happy for him. He got a one big blessing in life - a child; which right now i know i cant give him. i can say also that i am sad. sad for the fact that i was not the one who shares the half of his joy. sad because i'm not the mother of the child.
reality strikes me. i cant have him now. maybe just for now. i remember his words when he confesses about this baby beforehand. "I'm going to leave her but i will still support the child and you cannot tell me to marry her because its you i want to be with." it may sound cheesy but its against my values. i cant stand thinking that i will be taking a family away from this innocent child. i myself doesnt want to have a broken family and thus, this child has a right for a home and a happy family...
his arguments are also strong. how can the child have a happy family when the father doesnt love the mother... and i cant debunk this one...maybe because i grew up within a home, with walls of love and windows of understanding and he grew up in a home where both parents are pretending that there's still love, a father hiding a second wife. a mother covering for the head of the family. he doesnt want his child to grew up in such condition and again, i cannot argue...
my mind is full of his thoughts, of his memories... and i must admit i want to hugged him tight right now, i want to see the smile on his face, his playful laughter and twinkling eyes. i want to be with him but i cant... or rather i wont... as much as i wanted to, i need to give him up...he's no longer mine... and i dont want to make it hard for him to choose his now-family. i dont want to make it hard for myself either -- waiting for him to figure how to resolve things...
my horoscope said that, i need to let others decide for themselves --- maybe. yes, maybe i need to let them decide but i'm already decided.-- i'm letting him go.... and i wont hold him back now. i must say goodbye-- no matter how hard... i love him so much that its tears my heart while writing this...
yes-- now i admit, im a drama queen.

Jerrold Llavorre Crisostomo

2009-10-05T16:55:00.002+08:00

10.5.2009

Seeing his photo in facebook holding his baby, I remember that he is still the man I wanted for the rest of my life. Seeing his solemn, peaceful and happy face while holding his child, reminds me that he’s the man I wanted to become the father of my children.

Seeing his account in facebook makes me realize that I already lost the guy I truly love. Seeing his account in facebook makes me accept that he cant be mine… now and forever. He is part of my past that I cannot bring to my future or even in my present.

Seeing him even virtually makes my heart wonder if I can still love another man the way I loved him. Seeing him that way makes me say that I am happy for him. I am happy because he is happy and I finally realize the true meaning of letting go.

Yes, I’m letting go of the man I always loved. Yes, I’m giving him up now. No more holding on. No more waiting for his promises. No more Merdej. No more remrose and jerrold. Now, it would be just remrose. Me and myself alone.

We’ve always been friends yet he remained as a stranger to me. He never failed to amuse me, to surprise me and he never failed to let me feel how much he loves me. I don’t have any regrets having a relationship with him. Ours was so special. Its something worth remembering. A relationship full of fun, friendship, adventures, understanding and good communication.

Jerrold Llavorre Crisostomo will remain as the man that I first truly love. Yes, he will be the one that I first truly love, cause right now, I’m going to give him up and let others in. Jed will remain as the first man I ever brought home to introduce to my parents. He will remain as the stranger of my life. A special friend that I always have. He was the one who taught the beauty of being in love and being in a relationship. He will remain as the person who taught me how to love unselfishly and truthfully. He will always be the first man I ever dreamt of being my husband.

Its hard giving him up after all these years that we shared together. But, time was not always our friend. I will give him up now, and if someday time will favoured us, then that will the time I’ll decide again.

Mahal ko, I always loved you. Now and forever.

Letter From A Parent (this really makes me cry!)

2009-09-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

this email really make me cry.
i miss my dad,
my uncle..

> Mahal kong anak,

Sa aking pagtanda, unawain mo sana ako at pagpasensiyahan.Kapag dala ng kalabuan ng mata ay nakabasag ako ng pinggan o nakatapon ng sabaw sa hapag kainan, huwag mo sana akong kagagalitan.

Maramdamin ang isang matanda. Nagse-self-pity ako sa tuwing sinisigawan mo ako.
Kapag mahina na ang tenga ko at hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi mo, huwag mo naman sana akong sabihan ng "binge!" paki-ulit nalang ang sinabi mo o pakisulat nalang.

Pasensya ka na, anak. Matanda na talaga ako. Kapag mahina na ang tuhod ko, pagtiyagaan mo sana akong
tulungang tumayo, katulad ng pag-aalalay ko sa iyo noong nag-aaral ka pa lamang lumakad.

Pagpasensyahan mo sana ako kung ako man ay nagiging makulit at paulit-ulit na parang sirang plaka. Basta pakinggan mo nalang ako. Huwag mo sana akong Pagtatawanan o pagsasawaang pakinggan.
Natatandaan mo anak noong bata ka pa? kapag gusto mo ng lobo, paulit-ulit mo 'yong sasabihin, maghapon kang mangungulit hangga't hindi mo nakukuha ang gusto mo. Pinagtyagaan ko ang kakulitan mo.

Pagpasensyahan mo na rin sana ang aking amoy. Amoy matanda, amoy lupa. Huwag mo sana akong piliting maligo. Mahina na ang katawan ko. Madaling magkasakit kapag nalamigan, huwag mo sana akong pandirihan.

Natatandaan mo noong bata ka pa? Pinagtyagaan kitang habulin Sa ilalim ng kama kapag ayaw mong maligo.
Pagpasensyahan mo sana kung madalas, ako'y masungit, Dala na marahil ito ng katandaan. Pagtanda mo, maiintindihan mo rin.

Kapag may konti kang panahon, magkwentuhan naman tayo, kahit sandali lang. Inip na ako sa bahay, maghapong nag-iisa. Walang kausap.

Alam kong busy ka sa trabaho, subalit nais kong malaman mo na sabik na sabik na akong makakwentuhan ka, kahit alam kong hindi ka interesado sa mga kwento ko.

Natatandaan mo anak, noong bata ka pa? Pinagtyagaan kong pakinggan at intindihin ang pautal-utal mong kwento tungkol sa iyong teddy bear. At kapag dumating ang sandali na ako'y magkakasakit at maratay sa banig ng karamdaman, huwag mo sana akong pagsawaang alagaan.

Pagpasensyahan mo na sana kung ako man ay maihi o madumi sa higaan. Pagtyagaan mo sana akong alagaan sa mga huling sandali ng aking buhay. Tutal hindi na naman ako magtatagal.
Kapag dumating ang sandali ng aking pagpanaw, hawakan mo sana ang aking kamay. At bigyan mo ako ng lakas ng loob na harapin ang kamatayan. At huwag kang mag-alala, kapag kaharap ko na ang Diyos na lumikha, ibubulong ko sa kanya na pagpalain ka sana ... Dahil naging mapagmahal ka sa iyong ama't ina...

Written by Rev. Fr. Ariel F. Robles
CWL Spiritual Director
St. Augustine Parish
Baliuag, Bulacan

Letting Go

2009-09-26T23:21:00.000+08:00

--its not the fall that will hurt but the sudden stop... jealousy is not healthy, it crushes your soul down. Its a sign of doubt, of having no trust to the one you love or you thought you love...
i certaintly believe that love and trust comes together. but then again, for the nth time, let me ask, is trust the same with understanding?
what if youre tired of everything.
im tired of saying sorry
im tired of explaining myself.
im tired of understanding.
its about time that once again, to think of myself...
but then, i have to wait for him to tell me to give up, and for the time that he'll tell me to stop and the time that he'll finally tell me.."REM< thanks, I dont need you now."

it would hurt but i hope it would for soon.
i dont want gathering my pieces again.
anyways, its not him thats worthy of this love, so better to hold back all these emotions..
he is not deserving of this.
i am not deserving of what he is giving me.
it has to stop. its about goodbye.
its about letting go now.
"REPEATED EXPERIENCES HAVE ONE AIM: TO TEACH YOU LESSONS YOU REFUSED TO LEARN."

Some things are better left unsaid…

2009-09-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

There Are Things Better Left Unsaid "there are questions that need to be asked at just at the right moment..."
Some things are better left unsaid…

There was a time, I turn a corner in my life and everything changed. A stranger was standing there. In sun or in shadows. It doesn’t matter. He was standing in that corner. He was there for me. He move the pieces on the board when I am not looking, wipe tears in my eyes when I though I am laughing and place them in my tongue so I will recognize the taste, wince at the saltiness.

It happens the time when I carefully planned my life, the most protected time of my life. Time in my life when I have put miles around it. A life that have been built far out in the wilderness, under the naive assumption that no hunter will fin me. But a life like this, a life like mine is already like endangered specie, in hunting season, I’m one of the first to go.

I see my life this way and I have examined the interior parts of myself, testing for reflexes, searching for what is still alive and what have died. Something had died, that much I know but by now, so much time had gone by.

It’s all about surrender. It’s about wondering whether fear or trust is leading me and whether or not it matters. It’s about wondering if I am ever younger than this or if I will ever be older because there is a circle drawn around one single moment and time exists outside that circle like a dream I cannot remember. It’s about lying down with danger and closing my eyes. It’s about opening my eyes ad seeing him above me and I’m not being able to imagine it any other way.

Often, its people like me who thought we are the strongest and have spent years guarding the soft spot of our soul who willingly approach the stranger as we round the corner. I though that he’s not there for me, until, I discover that he is there. He always was but by then, it’s too late.

One day, when is searched my own inner landscape, I found his fingerprints everywhere. And no matter how hard it rains; the fingerprints stayed and will forever stay.

Maybe this is how it happens, I met him and its like I already know him and there are questions that need to be asked at just at the right moment or they might as well not be asked at all---

Now let me asked you, was there a time when I wasn’t saying yes to him? Yes there are many questions and the only possible answer is YES.

---There were many questions I should have asked him and even more things that I should have shared with him--yet, id keep quiet, silently cutting some of the strings that are supposed to keep us together. Now when I think about it, I don’t see strings. I see lifelines severed by the things I didn’t say.

The only thing I am certain of was that I will never again as safe as protected as I once believed that I am..

minsan akong naging tanga

2007-08-21T14:41:00.000+08:00

sa ngayon, iniisip ko nag tumuigil na sa pagsulat.

parang nawala lase ang buhay ko ng nwala ka sa akin.

alam mong sayo umiikot ang mga salta. sayo ako kumukuha ng mga ideya. ikaw ang kulay ng buhay. masakit sa akin ang magkahiwal;ay tayo.

ganun siguro yun...ang bagay na mali kahit kailan nde magiging tama.

pero bakit minsan akong naging masaya.

parang panaginip na hindi ko na matandaan. masakit at hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko.

mahal kita at mahal pa din kita. pero nagdesisyon na akong bitiwan ka na.

ayoko ng masakatan pa. ayuoko nang mainsulto pa. nde ako ito.

tama ka les, ito ang labang dapat noon ko pa isinuko.

lunod na lunod pa din ako.

hinahanap pa din kita. sumisisid pa din ako pailalim at nagbabakasakaling nandoon ka pa pero, nauna ka na palang umahon sa akin. wala na akong mgawa kundi ang umahon mag-isa at hanapin ang mga nwalang bahagi ng buhay ko.

at kahit ano pa marahil na pagbubura, paliligo at paglilinis ko, ang mga marka at tatak na iniwan mo sa akin ay habambuhay ko nang dala.

napatawad na kita kasi mahal kita pero hindi ko makakalimutan ang lahat ng sakit na ibinigay mo.

sa pagpasok at paglabas mu sa buhay ko, nawala ang dati kong kulay. nawala ang dating ako.

ngayon bagong tao na umuusbong mula sa mga bahaging nahimay at natitira sa akin.

bilog ang buwan, aakyat uli ang mga talangka. habambuhay kitang maalala kahit pilitin kong kalimutan ka.

minsan, naging tanga ako.

bakit sayo pa?

minsan nagmahal ako ng sobra..

bakit ikaw pa?

at bakit mahal pa din kita?

why?

2007-08-21T14:23:00.000+08:00

a lot of questions that i need an answer.

before i decided to have that closure, you were already making "courting" that weng girl.
then now, sinasabi mo na ako ang nagsimula?
fucking shit!
i drink fofr three consecutive nighhts. pakialam mo?
lumapit ka uli.
puta!
kinabukasan, kinausap ako nng mga tao sa paligid,
kinausap mu ako pagkatapos,
chagee? ano ba ibig sabihin nun?
i thought all along na ayos na uli tayo.thats why i dont even care about what other people thinks and telling me...
pero sobra na yung ginawa mo.
nabastos ako sa mga ginawa mo.
ikaw mismo ang nagpahiya sa akin.
damn!
ilusyanada ba ako?naging akin ka naman di ba?
minahal mo naman ako diba?
wala akong inaway except sayo.
bakit kelangang magkaganun ang mga pangyayari.
mas pinaniwalaan mo ang mga taong kelan mo lang nakilala
fuck!
ano ba ako sa buhay mo?
parausan?
puta!
hanggang nagyon, iniisip ko ang dahilan para gawin mo ang lahat ng iyon sa akin.

i deserve an explanation. i deserve an answer. im demanding for it.

i mistook his eyes for the stars

2007-08-21T14:15:00.000+08:00

i had mistaken your eyes for the stars so i followed you where you went. the sight of those stars made me dream and the dreams were beautiful. but not more beautiful than the lghjt of the stars i thought i saw in your eyes. i chased the stars down to where they stopped and stayed still. you saw me and you said ever so gently, " sorry, you've mistaken my eyes for stars and they

're not"

and i said, ever so gently.. " oh i see that now" and maybe i should have been sad when you were looking at me. they were no stars but they were just as bright, if not more so. "i know they are not stars, " i told you, but i like them, can i stay here to look at them?" i asked you.

and you said, ever so gently" yes you can stay here and look at them" so you let me stay and there i was once and there i had stayed until the time i guess you told me in silence that i have to let you go.

until now, i am waiting in murk for your explanation why those bright stars suddenly became dull and why you did all of this to me..

im hating that girl. i hate her.

2007-05-29T19:08:00.000+08:00

there are questions to be asked at the right time... and might as well not to ask it at all...was there a time i am not saying yes to hiM?

2007-05-29T19:06:00.000+08:00

DIE
(022052k7)
You die, you lady!
You die for you’re my enemy!
You die, ‘cause of you, I cannot rest!
You die, you gentleman!
You die, ‘cause I love you!
You die, for you’re hurting me!
You die, you lady!
You die, ‘cause the gentleman still cares for you!
You die, for I don’t want things halfway!
You die, you gentleman!
You die, ‘cause of you I’m in pain!
You die! You cannot have two ladies in your life!
You die, You Lady!
You die, so he’s all mine!
You die, and leave the both of us alone!
You die, you gentleman!
You die, so I can have your heart to preserve!
In grave, you’ll see how you ruined me!
You die, you lady!
You die and he’ll be alone!
He’s alone and then, he’s mine alone!
You die, you gentleman!
You die and we’ll see each other again!
Death is good, for he’ll let us to be together!
You die, you lady!
You die, you gentleman!
Together, all three of us die!
You die, my man, you die, you lady!
We all die, man, lady and I!
For this love creates death!
--Death for us, for to love is to die!
--rem!

SORRY

2006-09-18T18:36:00.000+08:00

mom, dad

i'm sorry,

i never been a good daughter

to my siblings,

i'm sorry,

i never been the ideal elder sister that i should be

to my aunts and uncles

i'm sorry,

i never grew up the way you expect me to be

to my cousins

i'm sorry,

i never grew up from all the childhood games we used to play

to my friends,

i'm sorry,

i never did listen to any of your advices

to my mentors, teachers and proffessors

i'm sorry,

i never meet yopur standards for a good student

i have been such a pain in the neck

to my classmates

i'm sorry,

i have been bossy and at times, not participating

to my org-mates

i'm sorry,

i never been a good leader

to my colleagues

i'm sorry,

i never noticed your importance in my life

to my ex- boyfriends

i'm sorry,

i never been the girlfriend you want to be

to all of my flings

i'm sorry,

i never intend to hurt you

it just happens

to all the guys who loved wme,

i'm sorry,

i just cant love you back

for if i could perhaps, im happy now

I AM SORRY

THE STRANGER II

2006-09-18T18:12:00.000+08:00

THE STRANGER 2

(a sequel to the the stranger)

we considered ourselves as a

'pair of person with mutual understanding"

two words that binds us together

without committments to each other

"less than lovers, more than friends"

you have your legal girlfriend

i have my own set of flings and casual relationship

we both understand, deep inside we care

and we both know, this is how our story would go

we are used with exchanging text messages

just trying to get in touch with our lives

finding out what's going on with each other's life

sharing each other's secrets, tears and even fears

knowing if the spark still flares between us

but reality crips and it do reflects

that whatever we do, wherever we go

we will remain just what we are

the less than lovers, more than friends

and yes, you will remain to me as "THE STRANGER"

I DONT WANT TO LOVE YOU

2006-09-18T17:54:00.000+08:00

i dont want to love you

08082006

if loving you may mean that i may hurt anyone